‘Total Bellas’ Recap: I’m A Million Times More Humble Than Thou Art


Welcome back! This is our fourth Total Bellas recap of the season. If you want to find our other Total Bellas coverage, check out the tag page. And you can find all things Total Divas right over here. So without further ado, let’s get down to business and recap the latest episode of the greatest television franchise known to man. The Bellas and their fellas!

This week’s episode begins with the now-standard “Bellas on a bench in the foyer” setting up the theme of the week. In this case, the theme appears to be “being around a group of people changes you.” We then jump to Brie driving Nikki around while they argue about what an onomatopoeia is. YESSSSS. Unfortunately, Nikki almost immediately breaks down and looks it up. It turns out Brie is right! (Mostly.) Nikki gives examples of onomatopoeia: Honk, Boom and Holy Smokes!

Nailed it.

Later, the Family Bella is sitting by the pool and talking about workouts. The Bellas don’t believe their mom is capable of running a sprint, because they’re assholes. So she sprints to prove them wrong (after Nikki forgets how “On your mark, get set, go” works), and she does a good sprint! Nikki gives her a 6 in sprinting, while Brie gives her an 8.

It’s never too late to disown them, Kathy.

JJ talks about how it’s Saturday, so he’s going to get torn up. He laments that BRIE MODE doesn’t happen much anymore, and Nikki laments that Brie doesn’t “dress sexy” anymore. Nikki says Brie tends to change to suit the guys she’s around and she and JJ are worried that Bryan is changing Brie from who she really is. Brie points out that people can change over time, especially as they get older (yes, I know that’s how time works).

Later, at the pool, JJ’s sister-in-law Lexie is back!

I guess she’s not bothered about hanging with Brie, who insulted her jugs a couple episodes ago. It’s almost like parts of this are a work! Brie talks about how she and Bryan bought property and are going to build a house. She says Nikki and Kathy are mad because they’re only building a four-bedroom. Haha this family. They’re interrupted by Nikki and John’s puppy, Winston, eating his own poop.

Brie cleans up pee while Lexie wipes poop off Winston’s mouth, then Brie comes over and kisses Winston on the mouth, because she already forgot.

Boy, Total Bellas became Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom so gradually I hardly even noticed.

Later, Brie is driving Nikki again and Nikki gives her grief about not having polish on her toes, then gives her grief about not wanting a five-bedroom house. Cut to everyone telling her and Bryan they should build a five-bedroom at the last formal dinner. Nikki says she knows what Brie REALLY wants, deep down, and accuses her of changing, then says she’s not her sister anymore. Not in a mean way, though; just in a shitty way. Not “I wish you died in the womb,” more “I don’t know you anymore.”

At the guest house, we FINALLY meet JJ’s wife, Lauren! Who is also called “Lola,” I guess?

Nice to meet you, Lauren! Hope you’re as nuts as everyone else! Lauren explains she hasn’t seen her husband in a “couple weeks,” so there’s your rough timeline of the first few episodes. She’s here for Kathy’s birthday celebration. They all start talking about Brie and Bryan’s new place — which is in the 30 day escrow — and the entire Bella clan starts once again giving them grief about how they’re definitely going to want a bigger house than 2500 square feet. Bryan points out that he grew up in a house that was 1800 square feet and he was perfectly happy.

Bryan then tells us, the viewer, that it’s difficult to put into words just how different his upbringing was from Brie and Nicole’s. No, I think we get it, dude. They go around and around for a while, and Nikki says if she could have kids, she would, and she would be in a 15,000 square foot home with a San Diego beach house and her kids would be very humble.

Bryan laughs at her, and Nikki says that she is extremely humble. Brie even takes Nicole’s side and everyone in the room but Bryan raises their hands when asked whether she is humble.

Brie says Bryan is not being fair and then he just loses it on Nikki, saying she needs to stop butting in and telling him how to live his life. Nikki says this just sounds like jealousy. He’s a jealous hater.

Luckily, later, Bryan has to drive Nikki around and he apologizes for raising his voice and for getting in a fight with her. Nicole, to her immense credit, says she understands how difficult it must be for him to be in a house with so many people and be the only one with such a diverse opinion and viewpoint.

Soon, it’s time for formal dinner again! Cena notices some tension, but they tell him there was just a difference in opinion. Nikki reveals she got a call from WWE and will be needed for both WrestleMania and the Raw after WrestleMania. Then JJ drops the BIGGEST news of the evening: Lola is pregnant! They all toast and celebrate!

After dinner, the guests retire to their segregated relaxation quarters, as per the house rules. Nikki gives Brie some more grief about how Bryan controls her. In the men’s room, Bryan recaps the fight and Cena just has one question: “Is everything okay?” Bryan says yes and heads to bed. Cena and Johnny agree: “The kid’s tired.” John Cena is four years older than Daniel Bryan.

Also, Cena’s latest suit looks like a couch swallowing an extra from Wall Street.

The next day, Brie and Bryan have been talking all night and have been out by the pool discussing things all morning. He’s going back to Phoenix to visit with some doctors. Brie tells Nicole that he’s been in a really bad place, and since the surgeries and losing his dad, he’s just sort of floundering. This morning, Bryan got a call from his doctor saying there’s no chance at ever getting back in the ring. Nicole is shocked that so much is going on with him.

Bryan tells everyone that he’s flying out and he’ll get back for Kathy’s wedding. Bryan tells the viewers that in this house, he’s not even experiencing any brief moments of joy and he needs to peace out. Brie talks about how hard it was for Bryan to look her in the eye and say he doesn’t want her to come with him and that he needs to be alone right now. It’s difficult, but she’s going to take a step back.

The five Bellas (and two unidentified ladies) take a road trip to Naples, Florida, as part of their celebration of Kathy. Good to finally get away from that workaday hellhole of sitting around John Cena’s house drinking wine. Brie reveals his doctors recommended he go on anxiety medication, but he said no. She thinks his depression is out of control and it’s hard for her to be without him right now.

Nicole, to her credit, feels bad that she gave Bryan so much grief about a house when he’s dealing with so much stuff. They finally get to Naples and a man with a German accent brandishes a knife.

Relax, everyone! He’s just there to open champagne and make a mess! By the way, on of those unidentified women is later identified as “Shawna,” a friend. I think the seventh is Lexie. Out on the patio (sorry, lanai), Nikki briefly threatens to blast everyone with a champagne cork. Everyone then decides to get in their swim gear and head down to the pool.

Kathy emerges in this number and everyone catcalls her before Shawna says she’s dressed like a nun. In fairness, they should all be making fun of JJ’s getup instead:

What a dorkus malorkus. They head down to the pool and Brie thinks that even though it’s hard with her husband is gone, it’s good that she has such a strong circle of friends and family to lean on. Everyone cavorts and frolics in and out of the pool. They also encounter a real hairy situation.

And later, Johnny stops by to surprise Kathy!

But the good times come to an end when BRIE MODE tackles Nicole in the pool, with no regard to her neck injury. She bails and tries to blame it on potential “pent-up anger.” Kathy, Lola and Nikki go to a spa and Brie sticks around the pool to hang out with the others.

Johnny Ace wants to know what all this “Brie you’ve changed” talk is about, and meanwhile, Nicole is talking through the same things with Kathy. Brie wishes her husband wasn’t clinically depressed, and she reveals that he wants to move to Aberdeen, Washington for three months. She’s trying to just roll with the punches.

Later, Nicole and Lola sit around in robes. Nicole says this is the first time in her life that they’re not doing absolutely everything together. She just sees how much Brie has changed and she misses fun days like today, like they used to have all the time. The two sides are continuing to talk through things independently. Nicole says she adores Bryan, but at the same time, she wonders if Brie is truly happy.

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