Previously on Total Bellas: JJ was once again the absolute worst, John Cena wouldn’t share confidential death-related information with Nikki, and no one wanted to treat Mama Bella like a human being. Surely things will be drastically different this time around!
And now, the five most ridiculous, bizarre, and baffling moments of season two, episode five of Total Bellas.
Some preggers yogs
We get a very good opening this week, as Nikki is doing yoga in the yard with a friend, and Brie drops by in a bikini. The other two women marvel at how unreal Brie’s body looks at this stage in her pregnancy (their words, not mine), and Brie complains about not being able to see over her belly, so at this point her bikini line is a haphazard shave job.
Then Brie gets encouraged to do some “yogs” with them, and it turns out you lose flexibility when pregnant! Who knew?
How deep can you plant your seed?
The clan of Kathy, John Laurinaitis, Brie, Bryan, Nikki and JJ head up to Sonoma to spend some time at another palatial estate and officially launch the Bella’s wine, Belle Radici. On their first afternoon there, Bryan brings up that he’s thinking of getting into a business of his own: a seed box, where each month gardeners (or prospective gardeners) are sent a box of fine seeds, with instructions for planting and best practices for successful gardening.
First of all, this is a great idea, and a great fit for Bryan, but Nikki tries to get some single entendres going by suggestively saying “How deep can you plant your seeds?” Bryan points out that she shouldn’t pluralize it if she really wants to make it dirty. This was every bit as good as a bit later in the episode, when Nikki is trying to start a family race, but keeps mixing up the order of a combination of “On your marks, get set, go” and “Get ready, get set, go.”
Everyone is an asshole to Kathy
While Bryan is talking about his seed business, he asks Kathy for advice, and everyone starts clowning on Kathy for various reasons. Elsewhere in the episode, Kathy attempts to offer the twins advice for their wine business, but they basically blow her off and clown on her some more. Basically, no one really takes seriously the fact that she started her own business and has been running it successfully for 19 years.
Combined with the steady mockery of Kathy all season to this point, things finally reach a breaking point when Kathy snaps after being clowned on once too often and for too long. Bryan and Johnny Ace both point out from an outsider’s perspective that sometimes a line gets crossed and you gotta stop or reel it in. Bryan gets choked up talking about Kathy’s frustrations at just wanting to be a good parent and not an embarrassment, because he equates it to what his late father felt.
This is possibly the realest the Total franchise has ever gotten and it was mad intense. We all clown on our mothers from time to time, probably. But maybe … we shouldn’t? I’ll have to get back to you on that one.
JJ is literally a fart machine
JJ’s awfulness continues this week (yes, I am as surprised as you), as he spends literally the entire time in Sonoma “pranking people.” Which basically involves him sneaking up on people and yelling at them, and also installing a fart machine under a chair. He then sets the fart machine off during the first dinner that the family has with their wine partners. Because he’s an adult.
JJ actually plays a GOOD prank by getting someone to ask for a photo with Kathy to make the twins check themselves, and KEEPS it a good prank by not taking credit for it. But that is by far undone when his final prank is jumping out of the bushes at night and yelling BOOGADABOOGAGA at Nikki on her way down some stairs, causing her to fall and land on her wrist. It was a terrifying fall, and JJ was actually briefly ashamed after this.
DON’T JUMP OUT AT PEOPLE GOING DOWN STAIRS AT NIGHT YOU DINGDONG.
Belle Radici FOMO
As the family prepares to taste the Belle Radici wine for the first time, Brie is bummed that she can’t have any of that delicious wine due to her pregnancy. She and Nikki think it’ll probably be fine if she swishes and spits, but Bryan is concerned about what people would think of her if they see her pregnant and drinking wine on a reality show.
To see what it feels like for a girl, Nikki orders a fake belly off Amazon and goes out wine tasting while pretending to be pregnant. She gets a lot of stares, so they go over to ask some women why they’re staring at them and try to call them out. The real answer as to why they were staring was “y’all are making a reality show,” but they say there was no judging.
The moral of the story is that Brie decides against trying the wine at all. Everyone wins?
And that brings us to the end of another episode. Join us next week when JJ probably “pranks” someone with a series of stabs.
