After last week’s episode of Total Divas, I was starting to wonder if I’d reached that horrible lull that I experienced with What Would Ryan Lochte Do? and had come to the end of the road as both a fan and recapper of episodes. The only difference would have been that with Total Divas, I’ve lasted into the second season, while I was done after four episodes of that other crap fiesta, because Lochte has the charm and personality of a dead turtle. The Divas, though, had to have more for me to bounce back from last week, so I told myself, “Burnsy, let’s forget about that horrible abomination of an episode and move forward. It has to get better.”
Good news, it did. E!’s reality series about the scripted private lives of seven WWE Divas got back on track this week with some terrifically fake feuding and scandal, but more than anything, it cut right to my core with the most important thing in my own life – poop jokes. You can lose me in the dark wilderness with your fake nonsense, but you’ll always bring me back with the light of fecal fun.
Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Naomi – Still the best and most likable, despite her dwindling presence on the show.
2) Brie Bella – She benefits from the presence of Daniel Bryan, but she’s also the voice of reason to Nikki’s shallow ridiculousness.
3) Cameron – The less I see of Vinnie means the more I like Cameron.
4) Nattie – Poor, poor Nattie. Her bitter jealousies are really getting on my nerves.
5) Nikki Bella and her breasts – Now that she’s back with John Cena, there couldn’t possibly be any more drama, right?
6) Summer Rae – She’s new, but she’s teamed with Eva Marie, and that’s not good for anyone.
7) Eva Marie – I still feel bad for her about what Cameron did, but at the same time, Eva Marie is still the worst.
Now on with the fake drama…
Jimmy Uso is Really Horny
What better way to start out this week’s episode than with Jimmy Uso trying to have sex with Naomi behind a curtain right next to the entrance of the arena? Jimmy Uso has a huge sex drive, y’all. Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan is pissed at everyone because he can’t get any sleep on his own bus. Jimmy’s solution? Just let him have sex with Naomi one time so they can make it through the final four days of the trip. Brie Bella and Nattie have to remind him that there’s no sex on the bus, but because this show is basically a high school cafeteria version of life in the WWE, they refer to sex as a cookie, Jimmy’s penis as a mouse, and Naomi’s vagina as the cheese.
That last sentence is really why I wake up in the morning and keep doing this.
Eva Marie and Summer Rae are Off the Bus
In the wake of the betrayal at the hands of Cameron, who was, of course, Eva Marie’s convenient best friend at the start of last week’s episode, Eva Marie chose to ride separately from the rest of the Divas on their bus. “Even if someone paid me to stay on that bus, I wouldn’t,” she said, completely unaware of what breach of contract means.
Summer Rae chose to join Eva Marie, who turned that into an opportunity to play the classic game of “Hate by Association.” Not familiar with that one? It’s basically when a person pissed everyone off and finds herself all alone, but then a new girl shows up, and at the first sign of a problem between her and another person, the outcast ropes her in and makes her believe that it’s them against the world. It’s classic high school clique strategic planning. I have to actually tip my cap to Eva Marie on this one, because at least for the beginning of the episode, she was able to create a friendship out of chaos. Of course, for Summer it was the dumbest move possible.
Also, has anyone made the Summer’s Eva joke yet? Because I feel like that should be obvious by now.
Quick Side Note and Advice for All the Male Wrestling Fans Out There
It’s totally fine if you want to show up to a WWE event and try to get autographs, but don’t be the guys who hoot and howl at the Divas when they arrive. That’s possibly the lowest form of adult male behavior. You know, short of illegal deviant kind of stuff.
Quote of the Episode (Threeway Tie)
“If you were to have a daughter, that’s what you’d want her to know – that you’re all about the chingle, chingle?” – Daniel Bryan asking Cameron about her music single
I could listen to Daniel Bryan make fun of people all day.
“Yay, Nattie finally won something!” – WWE Divas Champion AJ Lee
I love AJ so much, and I wish she could get rid of some of that pride and success that keeps her from being on this show. And now, perhaps the hardest that I’ve laughed at this show…
“Nattie was putting Icy Hot on her back, and she got it between her legs. And her butt. What?” – Brie Bella, responding to Nattie’s freakout of getting Icy Hot on her, um, cheese
I said that this episode had a lot of making up to do for last week, and this is definitely a good effort.
Oh, and Nattie Pooped on the Bus
We’re talking an Emmy performance from Daniel Bryan in this week’s episode as he grills Nattie with, “Did you poop on the bus? No pooping on the bus! You got Icy Hot in your butt because you pooped. You put the Icy Hot in your butt.” And Cameron really drove the point home with, “You got Icy Hot in your vajayjay, girl-bye.” How are more people not watching this show?
The Most Awkward Transition in Reality TV History
We just got done watching Daniel Bryan make fun of Nattie for accidentally wiping her ass with the hand she just used to apply Icy Hot to her back, while Cameron called her kinky for putting Icy Hot in her lady stuff. So how do we follow that up? By Nattie meeting a young girl with a neurological disorder, because it was her Make-A-Wish to meet her favorite WWE wrestler. How does the WWE expect me to suddenly switch gears from laughing at poop jokes to admiring Nattie for making a difference in someone’s life? We have storyboards and editors for a reason, people. Let’s start using them all a little more wisely.
Jimmy’s Mouse Got Loose and Brie Caught It
The reason that Daniel Bryan is so awesome, in my opinion, has nothing to do with what he does in the ring. It’s because he’s equal parts down-to-Earth and full of common sense. Jimmy just wants to have sex, which is totally fine and we’re not judging him for that. We want him to have sex, too, because he and Naomi are our favorite couple in the world. But a rule’s a rule and there’s no sex on the bus. Nobody wants to sit in the remnants of a wet spot for several hours, and that’s the point that Daniel hammers home when Brie reveals to him that she just caught Jimmy and Naomi playing mash the cookie on the bus couch. But it still led to this classic exchange, better than anything the Divas has given us, between two Superstars:
Daniel: “You were trying to have sex on the bus.”
These guys are so much fun.
NEW BEEF TIME: Brie Bella Vs. Summer Rae in “Don’t Talk to My Man”
Remember how the first thing that this group of adults did on the bus was play a game of Truth or Dare and Nattie asked Summer Rae if she’s slept with a WWE Superstar, and then Daniel was all, “Even I’ve heard that”? Well Summer confronted Daniel privately and he just revealed this to Brie, except the way the show set it up was that Summer said everything suggestively and in a flirtaceous manner, because when Daniel walked away, she stood there and stared at him with one of those looks on her faces like wrestlers have during backstage scenes.
What made this confrontation so much better than last week’s confrontation between Eva Marie and Cameron was Nikki and Daniel hiding behind something so they could spy on Brie giving Summer the business. Summer took the low road and accused Brie of being insecure in her relationship, but her ultimate take on the whole thing was “Yeah, I’m single and yeah, I flirt, but I’m not a whore.” That’s a good philosophy for all of the young women out there.
Summer just doesn’t understand why other girls don’t like it when she flirts with their men. I know, it’s a mystery to me, too. Hopefully scientists will eventually be able to crack that code.
The First Congress of the Pissed Off, Bitter Divas
Summer’s just not having a good week, you guys. First she was torn a new one by Brie, and then she told Nattie that her action figure made her look younger. Their cat fight is coming to a climax – stop laughing, pervs – and that will, of course, be the slap moment that E! keeps teasing us with. In the meantime, Daniel’s injury caused the Bella Twins to reconsider the important things in life, so they decided to round up all of the Divas on this show and let them all hash out their beef for the sake of the WWE.
Summer once again apologized to Brie and it seems like that beef is squashed, but Eva Marie still won’t forgive Cameron for passing around those old nudie pictures of her. Summer claimed that she doesn’t have any issues with Nattie, which is hilarious because she talks so much shit about her that it’s not even funny anymore. Between Nattie and Summer, I just want to see them actually fight at this point, until one of them shouts, “I’M DOOOOOOOONE!”
Instead, Nattie takes her problem to Fandango, and that finally sets Summer off. “Now that she’s brought Fandango into this, she’s crossed the line.” I’m pretty sure that’s basically what FDR said after Japan bombed Pearl Harbor. Almost verbatim. Anyway, Nattie’s conversation with Fandango did give us this strange moment:
Ultimately, this all led to the moment we’ve all been waiting for…
Because Nattie wouldn’t report this to the police and WWE and have Summer fired. God bless the scripted lives of the WWE Divas.
The One Non-Diva that Deserves Her Own Show
Sandra’s the best, you guys.
Post-Episode Power Rankings
1) Naomi – Still the best. Even when she’s giving up her cheese on the bus.
2) Cameron – One of the best parts of this episode was Cameron being able to laugh at herself while Daniel Bryan made fun of her dumb song. She’s really making up a lot of ground.
3) Brie Bella – She’s supposed to be better than the dumb feuds, but Summer’s flirting is already way beyond old, especially the long staring thing. What the hell was that?
4) Nikki Bella – She was barely in this one, but only because the preview for next week showed us what we’re in for. That is going to be fantastic.
5) Eva Marie – She gained a few points for not rolling over and accepting Cameron’s apology. Eva Marie needs to stick to her guns and make Cameron beg.
6) Nattie – She’s totally antagonizing Summer and we still don’t know why, other than she’s jealous. If that’s the lone reason, then so be it. But that’s f*cking weak. I don’t like saying she deserved to be slapped, but if it wrestles like a Neidhart and quacks like a duck. Wait, what?
7) Summer Rae – Look, if Summer could actually play the role of the flirty, stuck-up beeyotch, that would be one thing. But she just doesn’t pull it off. At least not without some real hardcore beeyotch stuff to justify this nonsense. You’re giving us nothing to work with, E!. You have to draw lines and tell us which side Summer is on, because if she’s not good or bad, she’s just an idiot. Nobody wants Summer to be an idiot. That’s Eva Marie’s job.