I trust that we’ve all used our time off between these recaps of last night’s double feature of Total Divas to cut our skulls open and rinse our brains with bleach so that we can get right back to the action. When we left the Divas, they were returning from Curacao, and the Bella Twins had made up after their latest fight as they always do, while Eva Marie and Jonathan caused one hotel to implement stronger black light policies, and Cameron and Vincent made the decision to buy a home together. But the star of the show was Nattie, whose entire existence is defined by the fact that she just can’t get laid.
Specifically, her husband, the delightfully goofy Tyson Kidd, won’t body slam her on a bed and go to town on her, and we know this because she says it constantly. In fact, her tombstone will read: “Here lies Nattie, who died because her husband wouldn’t wreck her lady biz.” So how does this episode start off? Did it feature a poignant moment of a woman struggling to achieve success inside the ring, or perhaps wondering about the true identity of a female in a company dominated by male personalities? Nah, it started with a vibrator.
Let’s get on with the recap for the seventh episode of Season 3, “The Double Cross”…
Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
(Please refer to the post-episode rankings from the last episode, since nothing changed in the 20 minutes since I stopped writing that one.)
Rosa Mendes Just Can’t be Satisfied, You Guys
(There wasn’t video available for this, so imagine it looked like this…)
Nattie and Rosa often share a car for traveling from venue to venue, because none of the other Divas can really stand them. Within a few minutes of leaving their latest hotel, they hear a loud buzzing in one of their bags, and it turns out to be Rosa’s vibrator that she readily admits that she just used that morning. I cannot emphasize enough how unsexy Rosa is, if that means anything to the WWE or Total Divas writers who keep trying to shove her big fake breasts in our faces to accept that she possesses any real value to the company and/or series. I hate being a guy who criticizes a woman’s looks or sexuality – as I’ve totally been that bro in the past – but when Rosa shows up on the screen, I just want to say and write awful things. I’m sorry if this makes me an asshole, but after Nattie compared Summer Rae to an ostrich in the last episode, I’m just doing what I learned from this show.
As Nattie and Rosa unpacked in their latest hotel room – it’s nice that they’re sharing a room two episodes removed from Rosa trying to porn it up with her – Nattie pulled a hair from Rosa’s ass, and I know it was Rosa’s ass because they stuck the camera up against it. In a very “heartwarming” moment, though, Rosa admitted to Nattie that she hasn’t had sex in a long time, and she’s looking to meet a man with a large penis, but she also needs a man who will wait and not have sex with her right away. Nothing this woman says makes sense. She’s mostly worried, though, that she won’t meet the right man, and a guy will dump her right after they have sex and that will force her back to drinking.
You know, for a show that features at least two characters with documented substance abuse issues, Total Divas doesn’t really give a crap about sticking to that theme. Just one episode ago, Nikki and Brie were fighting because Brie didn’t want to drink anymore, and they were in front of one of the characters who has a problem with alcohol (Eva Marie). Oh well, at least Nattie and Rosa wore their seatbelts.
It’s a Huge Day for Cleveland Browns Star… Gary Barnidge?
Best: Gary’s agent. He obviously does a solid job in getting an NFL player I’ve never heard of on TV.
Worst: RUN GARY! RUN!!! I have no clue who you are, but you can do better than Rosa. She’s awful, bro. That’s some legit advice that you should follow before you go on another of the dumbest dates I’ve ever watched. “We should have got queso,” the guy said as the world groaned.
My favorite part of this stupid scene, though, was the hostess asking, “Are you alone?” Why stop there? Why not ask, “Aw, pretty lonely are you?” or “Would you like vibrator or non-vibrator seating?” or just flat out tell her, “Haha, dine alone today, die alone tomorrow!”
Oh Crap Almighty, Gary’s Stuck in a Love Triangle
The guy hasn’t been on the episode for two minutes, and Summer Rae is hitting on him because he plays football and she played for the Lingerie Football League. To make things even more obnoxious and needlessly stupid, Rosa introduced Nattie to Gary as her best friend and that upset Summer. So obviously Summer will get her revenge by trying to steal Gary from Rosa, who also pointed out that when she works out she screams like she’s having sex, because she has zero self-respect at all and has settled for a life of being a character who only talks about being constantly horny.
But there’s a huge twist to the courtship of Gary Bornbrowbridge – he doesn’t drink alcohol. This is a huge bonus for Rosa, because she’s a recovering alcoholic whose clothes will evaporate if she imbibes anything with booze. Rosa opened up to him about her time in treatment, because she wants him to know “the real Rosa Mendes,” who is a woman who likes to be naked, use her vibrator all the time and make out with her best friend to show her how hot she is. Also, BOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS.
But of course he also took Summer Rae out for lunch. What a dog, that Gary Bottombonk of the Cleveland Browns. Steer clear of him, ladies.
Nikki Bella is a Huge Movie Star in the Making
What’s that saying in Hollywood? There are no small roles, only small actresses with large breast implants. Yeah, I think that’s it. Anyway, Nikki Bella is super excited and proud of her small role in the independent film Confessions of a Womanizer, and she and John Cena cracked one of his many bottles of Dom to celebrate before they went to the premiere. “You like penis jokes,” Nikki told Cena, “so you’ll like this comedy.” I immediately prayed that they showed some clips from this “comedy” so we could “laugh” with it, and they didn’t let me down. It looked a lot like Waiting, except with less jokes. Feel free to slap that on a poster.
Quote of the Episode
“There is nothing I love more than having my man support me.” This is said by Nikki in regard to Cena attending her movie premiere and calling her “movie star,” but it’s far more fitting for their relationship in general.
It’s a Tale of Two Movie Stars
Cena is also obviously a movie star in his own right, as he has been a leading man in films like The Marine and that other one that was so bland that I can’t even remember the name, and he even landed a role in an upcoming Judd Apatow film with Amy Schumer. The question, then, is how does Nikki feel about nude scenes? She’s opposed to them because “the girls are for my man,” referring to her fake boobs that she reminded us about yet again, but the reason for the question is far more interesting. As we found out in the last episode, Cena has to film a “hysterical” sex scene, and this is causing some drama between the lovers who won’t ever get married now.
Nikki is really pissed that her movie star boyfriend is going to have fake sex and show his ass on camera, but she’s even more pissed that he waited a month to tell her. She’s upset that he should have included her in making the decision to make more money and expand his brand beyond the WWE, and of course she decided to get advice from her drunk colleagues. Nattie and Eva Marie agreed with Nikki that Cena shouldn’t be filming a stupid sex scene with Amy Schumer for a comedy that will earn $200 million at the box office. You know what? I’m not going to bother describing any more of this.
Long story short – he’s right, she’s wrong and they make up in the end, even after he questioned if he’s with the right woman, because he decided to be the bigger man and apologize for not doing anything wrong. Also, Mom Bella shows up to remind us that she’s so smart because she reads self-help books.
Cameron Gets a Little Screen Time to Play Dr. Phil for Nattie
When did the point of this show go from “It’s about female wrestlers trying to have it all” to “The Bella Twins want to be famous” to “Nattie’s relationship is awful and she is clueless about life and love”? I could spend a few thousand words describing what I care about more than Nattie and Tyson, and the majority of it would be flavors of Slurpee and expanding my baseball card collection.
Nattie and Tyson Finally Met with a Marriage Counselor
Nattie, the selfless adult that she is, finally revealed that she doesn’t want Tyson on the road again, because it will drive a bigger wedge between them. Of course, getting him back on the road is the solution to all of their problems, because he’s clearly affected by this situation and won’t be able to move on until he’s competing for the WWE on TV again. But Nattie feels “lonely” and “empty,” which I think might be another reference to her lady parts, but to top things all off, she also criticized his work ethic. Nattie has really proven what kind of terrible person she’ll be for screen time, no matter how awful it makes her look.
After moving back in with Nattie, Tyson revealed that he doesn’t want to visit hot therapy doctor lady again, and that caused Nattie to fake cry yet again. It’s important to remember that as f*cked up as Nattie’s marriage seems to be, she’s still doling out relationship advice to Rosa and Nikki. Hopefully, they’re only asking because they know to do the opposite.
The Best Part of the Episode
Nattie, the genius that she is, told a TMZ photographer* that she wasn’t out to dinner with Tyson because, “We aren’t divorced yet,” as if he wouldn’t end up seeing it. Tyson rightfully called Nattie out for being a huge honking hypocrite, and the episode ended with him asking her if she actually wants a divorce. It was pretty great, because I shouted, “YESSSSSSSSS” at my TV.
*Or a photographer that E! paid to be there, since the chances are pretty great that a TMZ photog would look at her and have no clue who she is.
Stephanie McMahon is Making Brie Bella’s Dream Come True
As we all know, Brie’s biggest moment in the WWE came with her recent feud with Stephanie McMahon, and she was really excited about it. How huge of an opportunity is this? They devoted roughly .5% of the episode to it. Great job promoting the actual talents of the Divas, E! and the WWE. Great job.
Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Naomi – She’s being sorely underused this season and that’s pissing me off.
2) Summer Rae – Her stock is about to drop with this Gary Borkhamburglar nonsense.
3) Cameron – Nowhere to be found this time, which is always great.
4) Brie Bella – She was barely around for this episode, but she helped tell Nikki how stupid she was being over Cena’s sex scene.
5) Eva Marie – They really need to cut out the role of advice-giver for Eva Marie, because she has never been qualified to do that.
6) Nikki Bella – She’s just awful.
7) Rosa Mendes – But not as awful as Boobs McGoo.
8) Nattie – How bad of a person do you have to be to make me want your husband to leave you? Nattie bad.
On Next Week’s Episode…
Rosa and Summer Rae clash over their love triangle, which predictably drives Rosa to drink and make out with a very attractive woman while Nattie watches with her typical “I can’t believe what someone else is doing in front of me” face.
