‘Total Divas’ Recap: The Telltale Smart

Welcome back to the Total Divas recaps! You can find our recap of the season six premiere right here if you need to get caught up, and you can find ourTotal Bellas recaps over here.

On with the show!

Trinity is in Vancouver filming her first movie, The Marine 5: Semper Final Chapter. The other members of her bizarrely-outfitted copgang are the Social Outcasts!

Remember the Social Outcasts? Well, they’re back, in movie form. Bo Dallas looks like every Lorenzo and every Lamas got together and had a baby with all the members of Winger. It’s great that every week, Trinity getting cast in the movie means less and less, because more and more WWE people keep showing up in the film.

Brie and Bella re renting a home in Southern California, and they are wanting their privacy because Nikki is here and they’re trying to MAKE THEM BABIES Y’ALL.

After a rousing game of ping-pong, Nikki and Brie start arguing about which of their puppies is smarter, so they look up tests to check canine intelligence. Josie is doing great at these tests, but Nikki accuses Brie and Bryan of DOG CHEATING. Brie talks about how Nikki is competitive to a fault, and when they were kids, Nikki won a mutton busting competition and STILL brags about it to this day. Mutton busting, in case you didn’t know, is a children’s rodeo competition involving sheep racing, and it cracks me up every time I remember the Bella Twins had a cowboy childhood a lot like the one I had. They had outfits with more fringe, though.

Renee, Lana, and Rusev go out to a country bar and they try to teach Rusev how to line dance. IT IS EXACTLY AS WONDERFUL AS YOU EXPECT.

Rusev talks about how the line dancing is better in Nashville, and Lana says he’s always talking about how he’s a Nashvillian for life. Rusev agrees, trying to do his best Southern accent (it is a bad accent) and insisting he was born and raised in Davidson County. Any time Rusev is on screen, my eyeballs turn into giant hearts, I’m sorry. Like, for example, when they do a weird couples gesture in Renee’s face as she recoils in horror and asks, “IS THAT A THING YOU GUYS DO?”

At the wrasslin’, Natalya is still taking pride and bragging rights from being the focus of the women’s division for the first time in her career (not really), and bragging about how the Neidharts are wrestling royalty. I actually really admire Natalya’s dedication to trying to re-revise WWE’s revisionist history.

Maryse and Miz are also in Vancouver to film The Marine 5: Beyond Marinedome. Miz and Naomi are preparing to film a fight scene against each other. Maryse rips on Naomi for having acting reminder Post-It notes all over her trailer.

They include notes like “CAN’T GET OFF BIKE PROPERLY” and “KEEP MOUTH OPEN,” and Trin is very clearly in her own head. She says there are a lot more notes in her hotel room and Maryse can’t believe it.

At lunch, Nikki and Brie are still talking about the doggie IQ tests, and talking about which one of the Bellas is smarter. Bryan thinks neither of them have the guts to take an IQ test, which is for real a gauntlet being thrown.

As Lana and Natalya roll into the next WWE show, Nattie’s phone is blowing the hell up. Apparently Nattie’s sister, Jenni (who you may remember from BIG E HOT TUB TIMES) is having some real issues. Nattie’s mom calls and says Jenni just sort of wandered off into the Florida Everglades because she’s angry that Nattie and her mom have been texting each other about her. Seems reasonable. Nattie starts crying, and Cesaro comforts her. Yeah, Cesaro!

Good call, Cesaro. I’m sure Nattie will definitely understand that and listen to you.

Nattie is back home and spending time with Jenni, who apparently arrived back home from her time in the swamp without incident. Jenni says she’s been looking for jobs and figuring out what her next life step is going to be. Nattie insists she needs to do something she’s passionate about, and then immediately starts strongarming suggestions for her life, because she’s never not Nattie. Nattie’s like “YOU LOVE COOKING, DO COOKING.” So Jenni goes along with it.

Lana is stressing out about her wedding, because she wants to represent Nashville at their Malibu wedding as a concession to Rusev. She thinks a good middle ground is Nashville-themed invitations. Renee thinks this is baffling and ICE COLD MARK CARRANO agrees, and he and Renee tell her to get a grip. YEAH TAKE A CHILL PILL YA BOZO.

Back at Nattie’s house, Jenni will be hosting a cooking class out of Nattie’s kitchen, which is … apparently a thing that people do? Nattie and her mom drive around the neighborhood putting up flyers in super dignified ways.

Bryan is in the back seat as Nikki drives him and Brie around and gives them IQ questions, which they 100 percent blow in every way possible. Bryan has found a doctor that will give them adult IQ tests — which isn’t really a thing — and the nervous twins head in for their testing.

As they wait to finish up their tests, Brie talks about how badly she wants to beat Nicole, because this would be her own adult version of mutton busting. Brie is stressed as Nikki finishes, and Bryan suggests they meditate, but Brie loses interest on the first exhale.

Backstage at WWE, Nattie stalks TITUS O’NEIL and tries to pressure him into coming to Jenni’s cooking class, because she’s determined to make it a success. He jokes that he’ll come to the class if she gives him a hundred dollars and she’s like “OKAY.”

Same.

She straight-up gives him a hundred bucks, and he calls Dolph Ziggler over to say he can also make some quick money. But Dolph finds out it isn’t anything sexual, so he’s not interested. Be true to yourself, Dolph.

As they leave the IQ test, Nikki asks Brie who she said was President during the Civil War. Brie answered “Teddy Roosevelt” and Nikki is aghast, although she quickly admits she had to think about it before saying Abraham Lincoln.

Maryse takes Naomi out for a fun activity day while they both have a day off from shooting, and Naomi is hesitant, because she doesn’t know how this is supposed to help her. They go to a gymnastics/aerial/trapeze class. Naomi is scared of heights, so now she’s REALLY hesitant. But she does a good, uh, good trapeze thing. Goddamn, woo!

It’s Jenni’s cooking class time! Titus shows up with his kids, and Big E is there! Jenni is VERY EXCITED TO SEE BIG E, because you would too, if you were privy to that chestmeat on personal time before. Fandango also arrives, along with others. Nattie immediately tries to break people into groups, and makes things super awkward by putting all the black people in one group, which Titus instantly calls out and he and Big E find HILARIOUS.

Nattie keeps trying to take control of things, because Nattie, and Jenni is shining doing something she’s good at.

In Nashville, Rusev and Lana are doing their NASHVILLE PHOTO SHOOT for their invitations, and it’s INCREDIBLE, including Rusev teaching her how to do the HBK pose.

All of this is just the greatest and I love it so much.

At Jenni’s cooking class, TOTALLY A REAL PERSON asks if they get paid every week, or just for the first class. We get a flashback to when THE TOTALLY NOT STAGED transaction went down with this ACTUAL PERSON WHO BLURTED THAT OUT DURING THE COOKING CLASS TOTALLY UNPROMPTED.

The cat is now out of the bag and Jenni kicks everyone out, because they were all paid to be there. Jenni says it’s embarrassing, and Nattie doesn’t understand why, because Nattie doesn’t understand anything directly related to her own immediate happiness.

Back in Nashville, Rusev says he has a present for Lana. It’s an already-framed photo from the shoot!

They truly love each other. AND I LOVE THEM.

In California, Bryan comes back to the rental house bearing food and IQ scores. Nikki and Brie have been talking about it, and they agree it’s probably for the best if they never find out whether one of them is smarter than the other. So Brie throws them away. Later, Brie goes and gets them out of the trash, but Nikki catches her in the act before she opens the results.

They agree to just open them and find out and ask Bryan to give them the results. They’re freaking out as they open them. NIKKI SCORED A 113 TO BRIE’S 99. SWERVE. Bryan says he still loves her.

Poor Brie. She says karma bit her in the ass, and she found out she’s just as competitive as Nikki. Then Brie mispronounces the word “percentile” as she finds out Nicole is in the 70th percentile, while she’s in the … 40th. Nikki helpfully tries to explain it on her being the younger twin, because Brie lost so much oxygen.

Back at Nattie’s, Jenni finally lays out in terms Nattie can understand that what she did makes Jenni feel like she would be nothing without her. She starts crying and Nattie immediately changes the subject, suggesting that Jenni drank a whole bottle of wine and isn’t okay, because she’s drunk.

Back on the set of The Marine 5: 5 Marine 5 Furious, Maryse is getting made up with her fake mangled leg.

And Naomi goes to set. And … that’s it. Fake leg, though! [Luis Guzman voice] FAKE LEGS?!

At Nattie’s, she gets a call from Jenni, who tearfully apologizes because she feels like she let Nattie down in life. Nattie finally says she would never let her down, and she’s going to stop forcing stuff on her. YEAH SURE NATTIE. And Jenni is also feeling better because uh HELLO BIG E SEXTS.

Hell yes. Big Enni forever.

Nattie agrees with her parents that she and Jenni are from two different worlds, like Wonder Woman and Aquaman.

Back on the set of The Marine 5: End of the Line, Naomi is riding the massive chopper her character rides like a champ.

She thanks Maryse for helping her get out of her head for a bit, and Maryse refers to a high five as a “hot tag,” which totally rules.

Next week: Paige wears a snake! And maybe suffers a neck injury.

Probably not because of the snake, though.