‘Total Divas’ Recap: Still Paige-y After All These Years

Welcome back to the Total Divas recaps! You can find our recap of the season six premiere right here if you need to get caught up, and you can find ourTotal Bellas recaps over here.

On with the show!

The cold open this week is Renee and Dean Ambrose going for some paddleboard yoga, which is definitely a thing. Surprisingly, Dean ends up doing better than Renee, as she tumbles into the drink while doing a type of triangle pose (yoga heads don’t @ me on my incorrect terminology).

And now the show begins, as we head backstage at a WWE show, where Natalya explains how TV time is at a premium, because there are only so many women on the roster and the women don’t really get a lot of television time as it is. At the same time, Paige is frustrated, because she says it’s been six months since she has been involved in any storyline. This is the first time she’s had nothing to do in her 11 years of wrestling, and it’s taking a toll on her.

At Brie and Bryan’s new house in Aberdeen, Bryan in a good mood picking berries, so Brie takes this opportunity to tell him Nikki is coming to visit and is staying for the weekend. This is the first time Brie and Bryan have hung out since the big blowup in Florida, as documented in Total Bellas. Bryan says he should be fine as long as she doesn’t insult their house or destroy his garden, which he refers to as “my sanctuary.” What a nerd.

Backstage at another WWE thing, Eva Marie is asking about the schedule for the following week, and just like Dennis Stamp, she’s not booked. so she has to go talk to ICE COLD MARK CARRANO. He is sufficiently ice cold to her, telling her, “You’re a very special, special person” as a means of half-placating her. She asks him why he never has good news for her, and he says “I don’t want to lie to you.” ICE COLD.

Nikki meets her mom Kathy for lunch prior to her trip to Aberdeen. She apologizes for her boobs, because she asked her dry cleaner to add a clasp to her outfit, but …

Nikki feels like she’s ready to come back and she feels like the ring is her best friend. Aw, besties! Nikki is dying to come back. She wants to ease into asking Bryan to be her coach, but things have been weird ever since they got in their tiff at John Cena’s house.

Nattie throws a going-away party for Trinity, who is leaving soon to film The Marine 5: AQUA MARINE. Massive milestone here, as we get the first appearance of Alberto Del Rio, who will surely tear this group apart.

WAIT NEVER MIND STUPID ALBERTO. JOJO BACK.

Natalya gives the viewer the lowdown on Alberto in the most Natalya and loaded language possible. She calls him a “very handsome but fiery Latino male. He’s sort of the bad boy in the WWE.” Wait, I thought that was Puff Daddy. HOW’S BIG E’S NUTS?!

Everyone asks Paige about Del Rio and she says when he came back he looked great (true), and when he got his hair cut, she said, “I like your haircut, Papi.” And it all went from there. Remember this, everyone: “I like your haircut, Papi” is the best pickup line in history. Paige says this is the first time she’s been completely smitten with someone. Meanwhile, Nattie didn’t even know she was broken up with her last boyfriend/fiancee. In fairness, though, that’s probably because Nattie doesn’t pay attention to or care about anything that doesn’t directly affect her. Paige says she’s in love! Everyone is immediately very suspicious, because Paige can’t go five seconds without everyone getting all up in her shit.

Eva Marie goes hot tubbing with Maryse. Maryse says she’s also in The Marine 5: MARINE LIFE, and will be leaving for a few days. Eva expresses her frustrations with not being booked and missing opportunities. Maryse tells her to use her balls. Her big, beautiful balls. “I know you have balls. Use those balls,” she says. Man, who says English isn’t as beautiful as French. Maryse: “You have nothing to lose, so go for it.” That sounds like good advice on the surface, but Maryse could also just be trying to get Eva fired.

Nikki arrives in Aberdeen, Brie wants her and Bryan to rekindle their friendship, so to that end, she requests they don’t talk about wrestling while she’s there. “What else would we talk about?” wonders Nikki, but Brie is insistent. Nikki wants to bring Bryan an olive tree, because it means friendship. They then debate whether that’s right, until Nikki googles it, and learns that it means peace. Same thing.

Nattie, Lana, Renee, Maryse are out at lunch. Paige was supposed to come, but didn’t respond to anyone’s texts. Nattie tells Renee about Paige and Del Rio, who may or may not be sitting in a tree, but are certainly kay eye ess ess eye en gee. Renee and Nattie say they’re worried about her and feel like she needs a good girlfriend to step in and help. Sure, that never backfires!

Nikki and Brie present Bryan with his apple tree, because olives don’t really grow in Washington.

Nikki is shocked to learn there are multiple wineries in Washington, probably because she already lives in the glorious wine country of Tampa. She has set up a tasting for them at a local winery ahead of time. Bryan says it sure does sound like a lot of fun to watch them drink and then drive them home. Bryan grouses that she’s only been here five minutes and is already planning their lives for them.

Backstage in Oklahoma, we get a brief glimpse of Lana and Rusev farting around, as if I couldn’t love them any more.

Lillian Garcia wants to talk to Renee about Paige, who missed Live Events last week, and is moving from Orlando to San Antonio to move in with Alberto. Renee thought she had a better relationship with Paige than to be hearing all these big life events third-hand.

At craft services, Paige is eating mashed potatoes.

Renee runs into her and says they should hang out tomorrow and have an actual conversation. Paige goes back for more mashed potatoes.

“I’m having some more. Because I’m a goddamned mess.” At least she’s in on the joke!

The Bellas and a fella go to a winery, and Nikki asks Bryan to help him with her comeback. He seems interested, but Brie pulls her away to tell her to knock it off with the wrestling talk. Bryan takes this time to pet a goat.

Brie tries to turn it around by saying that when she comes back, she’s stealing the Rack Attack. “How does that make YOU feel, Nikki?” Nikki’s reaction pretty much exemplifies how much sense that makes.

Eva Marie shows up at TV even though she isn’t booked, because she’s going to use her balls, like Maryse said. She flew herself to Oklahoma with her own money. She pulls Road Dogg aside and tells him she wanted people to see her in person. Road Dogg’s head tattoo is always a little weird to see.

He says it’s good to see her and he admires her taking the initiative, but warns her sometimes it can be frowned upon. She’s been working on a new entrance and gives him the pitch. Oooh, could this be THE entrance that has been so unstoppably fire on Smackdown Live? He says he’ll run it up the flagpole.

Renee and Paige get coffee and Paige says she’s been dealing with a lot of stuff. Renee says as a friend, she doesn’t want her to get in over her head. Paige said she had a mental breakdown and doesn’t feel like she’s doing anything any more. She doesn’t want to be this age and look at a future without wrestling, when it’s all she’s ever worked for. She thinks everyone is judging her for missing shows one weekend and messing up once. She doesn’t want everyone gossiping about her. Renee tells her she’s concerned. Paige says if she walks away, no one’s going to contact her, because they’re not real friends, they’re just gossips who want to know her business. She hates this “high school B.S.” Everyone wants to know her situation, but they don’t deserve to know it. Good thing you’re on a reality show, then! She storms off, littering in the process. PAIGE NO.

In Wichita, Renee is still upset about her conversation with Paige. Backstage, a producer pulls Eva Marie aside and says they love her entrance, and she’ll be doing it tonight. Hey, Dana Brooke is here!

Brie, Bryan, Nikki go for a hike, fanny pack and all.

Bryan tells her she has a limit of four selfies on the hike, but Nikki doesn’t know how they live without taking pictures. Nikki is frustrated because she can’t talk to Bryan about the one thing she came to Aberdeen for.

On the hike, we do get a classic Bellas exchange. As they walk past a massive fallen tree, Nikki is reminded of something. “Oh, isn’t that a question? When trees fall in the forest, are they quiet or loud?” “I would assume loud,” replies Brie. “Isn’t there a thing about that?” Nikki wonders, while Bryan just cackles and cackles.

Backstage at Raw, Mark Carrano asks, “Where’s Paige? I need to discuss life and life issues with Paige.” Gulp!

After the hike, they have lunch at a beautiful restaurant on the lake. They’re all eating in awkward silence as Nikki searches for something to say, and what she manages to come up with is, “Do hummingbirds ever sleep?” NAILED IT.

Bryan asks how her comeback is going and Nikki says she’s not allowed to talk about it. Bryan is confused. Nikki goes to drink her wine outside and apologizes to Bryan. Bryan asks Brie why she did that. He thinks that’s crazy and it shouldn’t have been an issue. he’s legitimately interested in how her comeback is going, so he goes outside to talk to her.

Nikki explains that she felt like what happened in Florida was her fault, so she kept her distance and it got awkward. He tells her she shouldn’t feel bad, and that Brie meant well, and that he cares about her comeback. He asks her to come back inside and they’ll finish their nice lunch. He also asks for a hug. Aw.

Then they take pictures of themselves as a “sasquash,” as Nikki says.

Eva gets her big match against Natalya where she has the prototype of her new entrance and entrance attire. After her introduction, she whispers to Creepy Greg, and then Greg has to apologize for subpar introduction. She loses to Natalya and everyone feels like it went great and the over-the-top heelish entrance sets her apart. She’s right!

Later, Paige shows up late and even the crew is giving her grief about it.

She gets called in to talk to Carrano about showing up late. She defends herself, saying SHE needed some personal time. She feels useless and isn’t even on the show, so why do they care? Carrano says they care about her as a person, and they’re trying to make everything happen for her. He explains that she can have a great career and be retired at 31 if she plays her cards right, but she can’t just be showing up late. She starts crying and says she feels like no one cares about her, but he tries to convince her otherwise, although it’s unclear how successful he is at that. She tells the cameras to stop filming as she leaves the building

Bryan actually gets to train Nikki and give her some advice, and gives her an idea on how to incorporate her badass forearm into more options, and even gives her a TOTALLY RIGHTEOUS option to nail it out of a fireman’s carry.

He shows her some rad submission moves and everyone bonds! Yay!

Backstage, Renee feels like she has to keep avoiding Paige and it’s a pain in the ass. She needs to let Paige do her thing and just try to be a good friend. She pulls her aside and says she’s here for her but is also trying to look out for her. Paige knows she was just concerned and apologizes for storming off. She says she’s fine and if something was really wrong, she would tell her. Paige says she’s a real friend and she’s lucky to have her. and they hug! Yay! It should be noted that they hug extremely awkwardly.

Next week: Lana and Rusev begin wedding preparations! RUSEV: PLAN.