The greatest show of all time is once again back, and as much as I love Total Bellas, it just can’t ever hold a candle to the flagship show. The season seven premiere of Total Divas is in the bag, and we’re here to tell you all about it.
Previously, on Total Bellas: Nikki got engaged and retired, and Brie had a baby. So we’re picking up right were we left off there, because previously on Total Divas, Eva Marie and Paige got suspended and left forever, and everything else happened a super long time ago.
Let’s do it to it!
They Got Spaghetti
Trinity and Jon are back, baby! At this point in the timeline, Naomi is Smackdown Women’s Champion and Jon is Smackdown Tag Team Champion, and they’re both busy as heck with their life on the road. They’ve also moved to Pensacola to be closer to family. Naomi is upset that there’s no time for romance and relaxation, so Jon takes her out to a drive-through. When she voices her displeasure, he keeps boasting “THEY GOT SPAGHETTI!” which is definitely how I will try to convince someone something is actually cool when it is lame from now on.
Later in the episode, he tries to romance it up by taking her to a historic lighthouse, before finally making things right by donning a chef’s hat and apron and cooking her spaghetti from scratch at home and surprising her with a nice dinner, at the end of which they of COURSE Lady and the Tramp it. I’m choosing not to pay attention to the shoehorned sitcom coda where Trin discovers the to-go boxes, because Jon faked cooking the lovely meal. THEY GOT SPAGHETTI.
Nia And Alexa Are The Best, As Promised
There are three new cast members this season, but we only really got introduced to two of them this week, for reasons that become very apparent by the end of this episode. Nia Jax and Alexa Bliss are introduced via Alexa griping at Nia, followed by Nia not really knowing how to introduce herself in the talking head interview, followed by her immediately name-dropping that she’s related to the Rock. These two, as you well know, are a treasure trove of facial expressions and delightful bickering and inflections. I absolutely cannot wait to see more of them on this dang show. We’ll get back to Alexa and Nia in a moment here.
Ladder Shopping
A big part of the episode is much discussion of the women’s revolution and much discussion of the upcoming first-ever women’s Money in the Bank ladder match. That’s why we’ll be getting introduced to our third new cast member next week, which is honestly perfect. I’m hoping they deal with the backlash of James Ellsworth getting involved and what it was like for Carmella to have to deal with all of that.
But in this week’s Memorial Natalya Contrived Producer Segment, Nattie asks her dad for help preparing for her first ladder match. Jim Neidhart says he’s “been in a couple ladders,” which doesn’t seem to be true based on the short amount of research I’ve done. It’s totally possible he may have done some ladder matches in Stampede, or even on the indies later in his career, but I can’t find that info. Anyway, his way of helping her prepare is to go ladder shopping with her. For ladders. And then a ladder falls off the top of their car on the way back home, and it’s not even the type of ladder that anyone has ever used in a ladder match, anywhere. Moving on.
Rusev: One Bad Teacher
Also related to the Money in the Bank pay-per-view: Lana is getting her first-ever singles match on the main roster by going up against Naomi for the title. She’s training hard in Tampa, but Rusev keeps bagging on her attempts. Later, at a pool party at John Cena’s house thrown by Nikki, Nikki explains to Rusev that while they understand his concerns over Lana wrestling, he needs to be supportive of her, because he’s going to ruin her confidence otherwise. And also be a bad husband.
When Lana shows up later, Rusev pays her one earnest compliment, and everyone smiles and rubs his shoulder appreciatively. RUSEV DAY.
Maybe The Dumbest Total Divas Argument Ever
This may be saying something, but if this isn’t the dumbest argument in the show’s history, it’s way up there. Nia Jax is preparing for a gauntlet match and talks to Maryse, and asks Maryse if she’s ever been in a gauntlet match. Maryse thinks Nia is being condescending and disrespectful and is asking if Maryse knows what a gauntlet match IS, and she flies off the handle. Alexa Bliss stands nearby and reacts appropriately.
Yes, exactly.
Later, Alexa finds Nia backstage watching LaVar Ball make an ass out of himself on live television, and they talk through it. Nia understands how Maryse could have taken things the wrong way. But days later, at Chateau MizMar, Maryse explains her perspective of what happened to the Miz, who lounges in a hot tub. Miz immediately fires up and cuts an inspirational promo about how no one understands that it was actually MARYSE who started the women’s revolution, by performing in two-minute matches with no respect and treated as eye candy and ALSO a wrestler and had to scrap and claw to connect with fans on any level. He’s … not wrong! Thanks, Miz!
Look, this was a simply fantastic episode and the magic is back, baby. Let’s do it again next week! With Carmella!
