Previously, on Total Divas: Lana and Nia Jax went AT each other, and Brie Bella spent a lot of time gathering breast milk for charity. Also, Miz and Maryse sold their house by accident.
This week: NONE OF THAT MATTERS, BECAUSE RUSEV WITH A PIG.
And now, the most bizarre and wonderful moments from season seven, episode five of Total Divas.
In a move that immediately puts Alexa and Nia into the Total Divas Hall of Fame (not that they weren’t already in there through four strong, STRONG episodes), Alexa wants to go to a pig farm and get a pet pig. After some wonderful pig farm footage, including Alexa’s privates being endangered by a spiky fence, she adopts a pig named Larry Steve.
They later bring this pig to Rusev’s Name Day party (more on that shortly), and the name “Larry Steve” tickles Rusev no end. Everything about the pig tickles Rusev. “He makes like pig noises! He’s so small! It’s hilarious!”
Can’t get enough of Rusev with a damn pig. As you’d expect.
Horses Are Just Like Wrestling
The Bellas are really missing being in a WWE ring, so they think maybe they’ll get their competition fix by doing a bunch of different activities. They try skateboarding, with predictably disastrous results, and then go with a big group to the race track to watch the horsies. JJ’s weird fascination with red suits make a return here, and the JJ stuff has really been missing since Total Bellas wrapped up its second season. Just kidding; JJ can go pound sand.
Being at the race track really ramps up the Bellas homesickness for WWE, because of … the crowd? Big beefy animals? Who can say. Brie is so bitten by the wrestling bug that she goes to train with Nia under the watchful eyes of Bryan and Nikki.
Brie is determined to make her comeback as soon as humanly possible, and she and Nikki celebrate by toasting hilariously enormous wine glasses and Nikki saying that this will be like the “Chinese dictionary” (she means “calendar”) and this will be the Year of the Bella. This is the best show, everyone. AIN’T NEVER LOST.