– Finally, we arrive at Mt. Doom.
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Hold on to your butts. Please click through for the vintage Best and Worst of NXT season 3, episode 1.
Before We Begin
Here is a field guide to your NXT season 3 rookies and pros.
Pro: Kelly Kelly
Kelly Kelly started off as an exhibitionist. That meant she liked to take off her clothes! She parlayed that into a series of backstage almost-romances (both onscreen and off), a run as 1/3 of an ECW-themed dance troupe and a 7-year WWE career where she held the Divas Championship despite never once properly hitting the ropes. She was really good at pointing at people and smiling, and for a while that’s all you needed to be the top Diva. When I say “for a while” I mean “forever.” Her real name is Barbie Blank, which is a better wrestling name than “Kelly Kelly” and perfectly describes her.
K-Dogg’s rookie is Naomi, whom you may remember as the lady who has to deal with Cameron on ‘Total Divas’ or as the lady who has to deal with Cameron on Raw. She’s spent most of her main roster career as 1/2 of a space dinosaur-themed cheerleading duo. Briefly wore an eyepatch. She’s black, which means the announcers can’t stop mentioning how legitimately black she is. “She loves to dance! She loves rap music! She loves basketball! She knows FLO-RIDA!”
Pros: The Bella Twins
The Bella Twins started off as one lady who was trying to make a wrestling career out of sneaking her twin sister under the ring when nobody was looking and switching out with her when she struggled in matches. Basically she was COUNTING on the fact that she was bad at wrestling, so much so that she would need a constant 2-on-1 advantage. This precedent of awfulness and lying continues to this day, with one Bella being (somewhat ironically) forced into a string of 2-on-1 matches because the other one got fired for slapping her boss and calling her a bitch. One is Daniel Bryan’s wife. The other one dates John Cena, but he won’t commit. This is all extremely important.
Jamie was originally “Brittany,” Kevin Nash’s valet at TNA Final Resolution 2009. That one show. That got her a WWE developmental contract. She was bad at wrestling, so they made her an announcer on NXT season 2. When that didn’t work, they tried the wrestling thing again. There’s a reason you probably don’t remember her. The Bellas says she’s got the “tightest body you’ve ever seen,” which means that her head is wider than her waist, and her boobs are wider than her head.
AJ Lee started out as nerd bait. She likes video games! She’s just like us! Over the course of NXT season 3 we kinda discovered that she was a legit WWE superfan, actually liked the stuff she said she liked and could work. She took on Wrestler’s Girlfriend roles for a while, but ended up as a former Raw General Manager and the longest-reigning Divas Champion of all time. She recently returned to Raw and gets huge reactions from live crowds, followed by chants for her husband. I think he used to run the New Nexus.
Primo is the Jan Brady of the Colon family. He currently wears pink underpants on his head and hangs out with an anthropomorphic bull midget.
Pro: Alicia Fox
If you don’t remember Maxine, I’ll get wistful about her in the next season of write-ups. She’s an underground success story. She started off as one of the very worst performers you’ve ever seen, winning ‘Worst Worked Match of the Year’ for 2010 in the Observer awards, but ended up a MASTER of WWE backstage comedy. Her pairings with Derrick Bateman and Johnny Curtis anchored NXT Redemption during its transition from forgotten gameshow to cult classic. I can’t wait to get super mad at her, then miss her.
Her Pro is Alicia Fox, a beautiful woman who is surprisingly good at wrestling but can’t stick to one thing long enough to get over. She’s been a wedding planner, a sailor, a furry and the ersatz Solange Knowles. She’s turned heel and face so many times (sometimes multiple times in the same show) that we’ve just declared her chaotic neutral.
Aksana is from Lithuania and a former Miss Fitness International. She was so bad at everything pro wrestling-related that she became a cult favorite. Let me put it to you this way: her signature move was crawling around on all fours before going for a pin, and the legitimate high point of her career was dancing while trapped under a net in a backstage comedy segment. She’s the reason Naomi had to wear that eye patch I mentioned, because kneecaps do not do great things to eyeballs.
Goldust, on the other hand, is one of the best pro wrestlers of all time. He’s wrestling royalty. He wrestled Kenta Kobashi when they were teenagers, he feuded with the Dangerous Alliance, participated in my all-time favorite emotional wrestling moment, spun gold into different gold by turning a gay panic gimmick into the impetus for the creation of the Attitude Era, held titles everywhere, came back in his 40s better than he was in his 20s and recently transformed his brother into a David Bowie and NES Pro Wrestling space creature. There was some shaky stuff in the middle with a Phantasm character and a pet rat in TNA, but we don’t like to talk about it. I love him so much I made him the star of my first feature length film. Goldust for f*cking life.
Spoiler: these two almost get married in like, two months.
Pro: Vickie Guerrero
Vickie Guerrero is the widow of the late, great Eddie Guerrero. She got a pity job when Eddie died and turned it into one of the most nuclear heel runs ever, getting more heat by being a normal-looking lady and saying “excuse me” than most people do shoving handicapped kids down flights of stairs. She recently got a touching send-off on Raw so she could finish college and be a happy adult. It involved a kiddie pool full of poop. Well, John Cena says it was poop.
Vickie’s rookie was supposed to be Aloisia, who was very tall:
Unfortunately for everyone who was REALLY EXCITED to write Josh Mathews face-sitting fan fiction, Aloisia was fired before the season began. The story is either “she took naughty pictures and might’ve been an escort” or “she was super dangerous and would probably shoot kill people by accident” depending on your source. Neither of them really make sense. I mean, Kaitlyn took the same kind of naughty pictures and she’s Aloisia’s replacement. Ashley Massaro was (is?) an escort and competed at multiple WrestleManias. And hey, if you’re worried about tall folks accidentally killing people you wouldn’t employ The Great Khali. I like to think the real story is that somebody realized they’d The Air Up There‘d their Divas division and took a step back.
Aloisia’s replacement is Kaitlyn, an awkward, 100% green Texan with Seth Rollins’ hair and a body that could truck you in about fifteen different definitions. She has two Worst Worked Match of the Year Observer awards to her name (2010 and 2013) and a Divas Championship reign, but quietly gave up wrestling when she realized she’d rather be married to Strong Guy from X-Factor.
On with the show.
Trigger Warning: Everything that has ever made you mad about anything.