Ever since Braun Strowman was split from the rest of the Wyatt Family in the WWE Draft, he has really come into his own. And by “come into his own,” I mean “has been dutifully wrecking amazing jobbers on the regular.” In honor of these lovely men that Strowman has beaten the everloving piss out of, WWE has released the above video, a glorious paean to the local talent who gave their lives so that we may have fleeting moments of happiness. It is wonderful.
Let us pay true tribute to these beautiful jobbers. Learn their names and know them intimately:
– James Ellsworth: The first and undoubtedly the best. Already a folk hero, Ellsworth reminded us that any man with two hands has a fighting chance. He very nearly got to team with AJ Styles on Smackdown and he has his own, extremely awesome Pro Wrestling Tees shirt. The creme de la creme of Strowman victims.
– Evan Anderholm. He was getting a cool thou for his match against Braun and was looking at a cool five thou if he got the duke. He represented avarice, thus reminding us that the love of money is the root of all evil. This Ebenezer died so that we may better understand to lust not for material gain, lest a big hillbilly with an undercut stove in our ribcages with a reverse chokeslam.
– Jorel Nelson. Dude actually got an entrance, but in no way wanted to get in the ring against Strowman and his almost certainly pungent riding pants. He tried to teach us a valuable lesson about discretion being the better part of valor, but then he got his whole everything stomped in. Whoops!
– Americo. The living embodiment of America, this hapless luchador was unmasked after losing to Strowman, because Strowman destroyed America and then symbolically revealed its flaws. Maybe Americo is the only one of these individuals who isn’t a hero.