The Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report For January 28, 2016

Every week in the assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report, we attempt to make sense of what happened on this week’s Smackdown without having watched it, based on somebody else’s report. The key is to assume the worst at all times, that way when it happens and it’s good — which it is, more than we admit — it’s easier to handle. If you get really excited for Ambrose and Reigns vs. the Wyatt Family part 50,000, you might be let down. If you assume everyone left on fire and they had to cancel wrestling forever, maybe you’ll like it.

This week’s report comes to you from the Impact Zone:

What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)

1. Dolph Ziggler, Titus O’Neil and The Usos defeated The New Day and The Miz. This started as a show-opening promo, with The New Day and The Miz commiserating (co-miz-erating?) about The Rock making them look like jerks on Raw. That brought out a group of babyfaces to call them names and beat them up, because you shouldn’t bully, kids. The Usos even make fun of Miz for wearing a “dress” at one point, because they are the worst people in the world. They win the match, too, because reasons.

2. United States Championship Match: Kalisto (c) defeated Neville. I’m telling you, turn the United States Championship into the WWE Cruiserweight Championship. John Cena was already trying to win matches with springboard stunners and Code Reds, just follow it out to its logical conclusion. Kalisto defeats Neville by countering a suplex into the Salida Del Sol because falling backwards and making your opponent land on their back hurts them, but falling backwards and making your opponent land on their butt hurts you.

– Chris Jericho had Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns on the Highlight Reel. This is Smackdown, so they were interrupted by the Wyatt Family to set up a tag team main event. Not kidding.

3. AJ Styles defeated Curtis Axel. If you’re looking for the WWE debut of the Styles Clash, this is apparently it. No word on whether Bo Dallas challenged AJ Styles to a rap battle after the match, but it’s happening in my brain and it’s WONDERFUL.

4. Charlotte defeated Natalya. Charlotte won with the Figure-Eight, then applied it again after the match. That sounds like a heel move, but I think she’s just happy she and Natalya finally figured out how figure-fours are supposed to work. Becky Lynch made the save for Natalya, who thanked her and rushed backstage to be a part of whatever “stand around and say whatever” segment Total Divas was filming in the hallway.

– R-Truth and Goldust are still trying to be a tag team, but are accidentally making it about sex.

5. Chris Jericho, Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns defeated The Wyatt Family. Cool Dad and his two weird sons won by disqualification when Braun Strowman interfered. Big Show made the save, and they fought off the Wyatts until everyone could celebrate. Somewhere back at home in Minnesota, Brock Lesnar is absolutely not watching Smackdown.

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