Welcome to this week’s assumptive Smackdown spoilers report, wherein we copy and paste in spoilers from a show we aren’t planning to watch, then jump to conclusions about what we assume happened. It’s what most of you do with Raw. Skip most of it and assume you hated the parts you skipped, right? Eh, we’re all hanging on by a thread.
On this week’s episode, we head into Hell in a Cell with a clear message: The future is doomed.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
– The show opens with a Kane promo, because “no Kane content” is why Raw got a 2.21 rating. He’s interrupted by The New Day, so he punishes them by having them lose a non-title match. So, “he punishes them by making them be champions in WWE.”
1. Seth Rollins defeated Cesaro. The resistible force meets the moveable object! I guess someone at WWE realized that “Seth Rollins is 1-17 since SummerSlam” fact was making the rounds last weekend and decided to give him 2 (gasp, 2) pinfall victories in the same week. Congratulations, WWE World Heavyweight Champion! Meanwhile, Cesaro’s gonna start being announced from, “Loser, Switzerland.”
2. Nikki Bella defeated Paige. Team B.A.D. stayed backstage and had a two-hour conversation amongst themselves before quietly leaving and driving to the next town.
– Summer Rae and Dolph Ziggler were guests on Miz TV. Ziggler says he’s not interested in Summer, which she’s cool with, because she has a new man: Tyler Breeze. This is not a drill. We’re introducing asexual male model Tyler Breeze in the middle of a love triangle on Miz TV. Join us next week when Asuka debuts as the fourth member of Team Bella.
3. Sheamus and King Barrett with Rusev defeated The Lucha Dragons. All I want from this match is Rusev in a pantsuit, yelling for Sheamus to crush Sin Cara.
4. Ryback defeated Bo Dallas. Cesaro, Paige, the Lucha Dragons, Big E and Bo Dallas all loses matches on this episode, in case you’re wondering how that generation of NXT talent is doing. And Tyler Breeze is in a romance story 1000% so they can call the team “Summer Breeze.” At least Seth Rollins won! The Future Is Now!
5. Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose defeated The New Day. Sending the tag champs into Hell in a Cell strong with a clean loss. After the match, Bray Wyatt pops up on the TitanTron to have another long conversation. Hang on, I’ve got all these jokes I want to write, and they’re-
