Here are your official With Spandex staff predictions for Sunday’s WWE Battleground 2014 pay-per-view/WWE Network event, headlined by Cameron vs. Naoami in a Battle Of The Funkadactyls. Sorry, the show’s headlined by a fatal fourway where Randy Orton, Kane and Roman Reigns challenge for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship and champion John Cena only has a 100% chance of retaining.
We’ll be here on Sunday with a live thread and results, then again on Monday with a Best and Worst of WWE Battleground 2014. Until then, here’s your complete card:
WWE Battleground 2014 Card:
1. Cameron vs. Naomi
2. WWE World Heavyweight Championship Fatal Fourway: John Cena vs. Kane vs. Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns
3. Intercontinental Championship Battle Royal – Announced participants: Alberto Del Rio, Big E, Bo Dallas, Cesaro, Curtis Axel, Diego, Dolph Ziggler, Fandango, Heath Slater, Kofi Kingston, Rob Van Dam, R-Truth, Ryback, Sheamus, Sin Cara, Great Khali, Miz, Titus O’Neil, Xavier Woods, Zack Ryder
4. Bray Wyatt vs. Chris Jericho
5. Divas Championship Match: AJ Lee vs. Paige
6. 2 out of 3 Falls for the Tag Team Championships: The Usos vs. The Wyatt Family
7. Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins
8. Jack Swagger vs. Rusev
And now, for the predictions, presented in familiar “what should happen” and “what will happen” format.
Cameron vs. Naomi
What Should Happen: I don’t really care about the Funkadactyls exploding anymore, so let’s go crazy with it. Give me a full-on anime ending to the match where we remember the Funkadactyls are supposed to be representatives of a great, lost space colony of … uh, dancing dinosaurs. Have their rage build and build until it can build no more, then the screaming Funkadactyls are FUSED INTO ONE RAMPAGING, PROBABLY TWERKING FUNK MONSTER. Bring back Linda Miles and give her some robot shoulderpads. I don’t know.
What Will Happen: Naomi winning and moving on to being a real wrestler seems like the way to go, which means WWE will probably give Cameron a fluke, cheap win of some kind and stretch things out until SummerSlam. I’m predicting GURL HI, basically.
Danielle Matheson – Out of all the wrestlers who use flying asshole to the face-based offense, Naomi might be the only one I like. Winner: whoever gets Cameron to stop saying “Girl, bye.”
David D. – This will be a catch-as-catch-can battle of wills in which Naomi will carry Cameron to a one star match. I think this will be better than most people think, actually, since I believe in Naomi as a wrestler. Still, Cameron will probably win to *drumroll* continue the feud. There’s a theme here.
Austin Heiberg – THE WAR FOR PLANET FUNK. Speaking of planets, I don’t want to live in a world where Cameron has a PPV victory on her own steam. I got Naomi here, via some sort of ass-based offense.
Nate Birch – Considering Cameron lost to “I guess we won’t fire her, but we want to” Emma on Main Event, I’m pretty sure Naomi has the momentum going into this one. But maybe it’s the ol’ WWE reverso booking logic, and Cameron looking like hot garbage before the PPV means she’ll win at the show itself! But no, Naomi’s winning.
Jessica Hudnall – This is going to make me so sad. Total Divas will be irreparably changed forever! I’d like for Naomi to win because she’s actually good at wrestling, so screw it, I’m going with the person I like more, like I do with my UFC predictions. I honestly do hope this leads to Cameron’s boyfriend Vinnie fighting Jimmy Uso to defend his BABE’S honor.
Ashley Burns – Like I’m going to pick against my girl Naomi. Better yet, like I’m going to pick the reason that Ray J ended up on an episode of Total Divas.
WWE World Heavyweight Championship Fatal Fourway: John Cena vs. Kane vs. Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns
What Should Happen: Something exciting. The build to Battleground has been the safest, most boring thing in the world, so I want all Hell to break loose here. I want Lesar showing up in the middle and trouncing EVERYBODY. I want Seth Rollins to try to cash in and get run over by Lesnar. I want Ambrose and Reigns out there forming a shaky alliance with Rollins to clear Brock out of the ring. I want Cesaro, Curtis Axel and CM Punk storming the ring and obliterating The Shield. I WANT JOHN CENA TO START BURNING HAMMERING FOLKS.
What Will Happen: John Cena wins. What else do you pick?
It’s weird, because the messages are mixed. They’ve supposedly “leaked” the SummerSlam main event in poster and video form to make sure EVERYBODY sees it, but Cena’s supposed to be taking a few weeks off to film a movie. So which is it? Is Cena steamrolling everybody and moving into the SummerSlam main, or is he losing (to Orton) to clear up that title picture? If he takes time off and comes back, can’t he just fight Brock in a non-title match? Can’t he just take a month off as champion? Daniel Bryan held the belt without defending it because people liked him.
Danielle Matheson – Woof. Winner: John Cena
David D. – John Cena Attitude Adjusts Kane onto Randy Orton who’s been Attitude Adjusted onto Roman Reigns for the win. I don’t know about Roman Reigns being in so many title matches and coming up short. It’s sort of what TNA did with Samoa Joe for a while. Reigns should win his first title shot, but what do I know. Besides the fact John Cena will win.
Austin Heiberg – John Cena’s in this match right? And the main event for SummerSlam just got leaked, didn’t it? The forecast calls for a 100% chance of John Cena Beating The Odds. Carry an umbrella in the following weeks, because we’re also looking at a 40% chance of Roman Reigns losing momentum. Now let’s throw it back to Al Roker!
Nate Birch – Aka, the 20-minute time filler before Brock Lesnar comes out and murders everybody. Let’s see, what would be the least satisfying, most deflating conclusion possible? Roman Reigns runs wild and is about to pin Orton when Kane sneaks up and chokeslams him. John Cena then no-sells 20-minutes of offense, pops up and effortlessly AAs Kane onto Reigns’ corpse for the pin. Let’s go with that.
Jessica Hudnall – In theory, Orton and Kane should team up, get Cena and Reigns out of the picture and then Kane gets Finger Poke of Doom’d. But after that big bucket of shenanigans to end RAW, everything is stupid. I don’t have time to check the Steiner Math, but I know that Kane can’t beat John Cena, and he’s not even going to try. Reigns has a chance because we all know how much WWE likes to put the world title on Samoan dudes. I’m honestly just stalling because I don’t feel like typing the inevitable “John Cena is going to overcome the f*ck out of those odds and retain the title”, but that’s what’s happening.
Ashley Burns – John Cena. I mean, that’s overly obvious, right? Or do we need to also pick who is supposed to win and therefore gets screwed over and makes us all groan in the process? In that case, I’d pick Roman Reigns. But it’s Cena.
Intercontinental Championship Battle Royal – Announced participants: Alberto Del Rio, Big E, Bo Dallas, Cesaro, Curtis Axel, Diego, Dolph Ziggler, Fandango, Heath Slater, Kofi Kingston, Rob Van Dam, R-Truth, Ryback, Sheamus, Sin Cara, Great Khali, Miz, Titus O’Neil, Xavier Woods, Zack Ryder
What Should Happen: Something unexpected. Unlike most matches, a battle royal should be able to go to ANYBODY. It should be chaos theory at work. There are so many intangibles, and if you’re a “favorite to win” like Miz or Cesaro, the other guys should be gunning for you and throw you out early. Give it to Heath Slater, man. Throw him a bone. The Intercontinental Championship doesn’t really mean anything right now, so give it to somebody who desperately needs it and let them defend it against guys like Diego and Titus O’Neil. Give any of those guys purpose.
What Will Happen: I’ve gotta call a Cesaro win. His new t-shirt reportedly says BATTLE ROYALTY on it, and winning two important battle royals in the span of a few months is reason enough to justify it. Plus, it makes him a big deal when the next Royal Rumble comes along.
Danielle Matheson – My heart tells me to Bo-Lieve, but is overridden by my need to see Cesaro swing at least seven participants into the sun. Winner: Cesaro
David D. – Cesaro has been losing a lot on RAW, which seems to mean that he’s getting ready for a secondary title run so he can keep losing. He’s my pick to win, though it’d be cool if they put the belt on Del Rio because lulz.
Austin Heiberg – First of all, why is only one Matador in this match? Regardless of that, I have Bo Dallas and Cesaro as the final two guys in the ring. Bo’s streak ends when Cesaro flings him into low orbit. Also, look for Kofi shenanigans and Rybaxel just being a general delight.
Nate Birch – They’re actually been giving Kofi one of his regular mini-pushes, so I’m going to go out on a limb and say this is the match where they finally let “battle royal specialist” Kofi Kingston win a battle royal.
Jessica Hudnall – Bo Dallas because it’s his job to ruin things for Wade Barrett in over-the-top-rope style matches. I’d like for Big E or Cesaro to win because those dudes are snazzy as hell, and my darkhorse is Heath Slater, but I BO-LIEVE, I BO-LIEVE THAT HE WILL WIN!
Ashley Burns – I’m going with Miz. I’d have picked Dolph Ziggler as the guy who I want to win, but I assume that he and Fandango will knock each other out while fighting over Summer Rae, whom everyone hates because she talks about everyone behind their backs.