WWE Fastlane airs this Sunday night, February 22, live on WWE Network. The first ever Fastlane show is headlined by Daniel Bryan vs. 2015 Royal Rumble winner Roman Reigns, with the winner moving on to face Brock Lesnar for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania 31. Also, everybody’s driving racecars!
Here’s your official WWE Fastlane 2015 card, as it stands. Drives.
1. Roman Reigns vs. Daniel Bryan
2. United States Championship Match: Rusev (c) vs. John Cena
3. Tag Team Championship Match: The Usos (c) vs. Tyson Kidd and Cesaro
4. Divas Championship Match: Nikki Bella (c) vs. Paige
5. Intercontinental Championship Match: Bad News Barrett (c) vs. Dean Ambrose
6. Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan and Ryback vs. Seth Rollins, The Big Show and Kane
7. Goldust vs. Stardust
– Triple H and Sting have a confrontation.
Here are your With Spandex staff predictions. We aren’t going to predict the confrontation, because every person in the world knows it’s, “they talk a lot and then a WrestleMania match happens.”
Goldust vs. Stardust
What Should Happen: We’ve been waiting for the Goldust and Stardust breakup for a while, and it finally happened. We’d hoped it’d lead to a WrestleMania match and it still could, so that’s what I’m saying should happen. I’d put Goldust over here to further enrage Cody, leading to him dropping the makeup and setting up a rematch for Mania. That’s where you put Cody over, and you give them that beautiful moment that was suggested to me where Cody beats the paint off Goldie and finally sees his brother.
What Will Happen: Something short, I fear. The first step of the Cody and Dustin breakup has been planted for ages, and WWE’s got a tendency to skip all the work and jump to the end. If there’s no room on the Mania card and the Dusts would be better served as bodies in the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal, there’s a chance they’ll drag out step one for two more cycles and pick it back up again AFTER Mania.
I’ll still take Goldie to win. If Stardust is overconfident and yelling in his father’s face about how his family’s dead, giving him a loss to push him further toward the edge is really the only thing that makes sense. If you put Stardust over Goldust here, there’s really nowhere to go. The feud shouldn’t end with Goldust winning. Stardust is the one sticking around for another ten years.
Danielle Matheson – How is WWE like a star? It seems to shine brightly, but Vince McMahon’s idea of what modern wrestling should be has been dead for thousands of years. Hahaha, I kid. We all know Vince didn’t become immortal until at least 1996. I say Stardust, because man it’s time they cut that kid a break. I also love him with the intensity of a thousand suns, so…y’know…COSMIC-THEMED BIAS.
Ashley Burns – See, this is why I should tune in more. I had no clue these two had reached the “tag team torn apart” phase. Anyway, I’ll take Stardust for the win.
Jessica Hudnall – Knee-jerk prediction is Stardust wins, but when he gets a celebratory can of soda backstage, his change includes an Olde Weird Coin that means he’ll die in a tiny town in Oklahoma. My actual prediction is Stardust wins and Goldust gets to teach the whippersnappers down in Orlando a thing or two about the ol’ slam-n-pin.
Nate Birch – I’m guessing this is going to continue to Wrestlemania, and that Goldust might start wrapping the ol’ career up after this feud, so hmmm, this is a tough one. There’s nothing really on the line here, so I suppose Cody wins this one, leading up to the gimmick vs. career match at Mania.
David D. – I think Stardust wins here and Goldust puts his career on the line at ‘Mania in a rematch.
Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan and Ryback vs. Seth Rollins, The Big Show and Kane
What Should Happen: WWE Network should play the Team Cena vs. Team Authority Survivor Series match in its entirety and see if anyone notices. That’s how they could justify another Sting appearance on Fastlane without having to pay him.
What Will Happen: Fastlane is oddly light on Authority shenanigans. My heart says Team Authority takes it, but my brain says the Big Show/Kane feud they’re convinced they have to have is more important. That’d leave Seth Rollins all alone to take everyone’s finishes in a row, and for Dolph Ziggler to selfie himself pinning Rollins and accidentally “leak” it.
If Team Cena continues to feud with Team Authority throughout the next cycle I honestly might throw myself off a bridge.
Danielle Matheson – Wow. That is….definitely a match that is going to happen. I think this is the point where I’m mad it’s really not car-themed, and nobody is making VROOM VROOM, and Jon Stwewrt isn’t rushing in on his custom Wacky Racer to throw satire and banana peels at Seth Rollins. Man, you can do anything you want, literally anything in this fantastical world of kayfabe and fantasy you’ve helped establish, and we get…Survivor Series? I guess?
Okay. Alright. Here are things that will happen: The Authority crushes the weak team who believe in labour rights or whatever. There are a lot of old man punches. Joey teaches Jamie Noble how to play Magic: The Gathering, because he’s now so fascinated with RPG and fantasy games, Joey promised him that he can learn a new one every time they win. He’s not great with table top RPs at this point, so Joey’s trying to ease him in with a card game before they hit the dice hard. Seth Rollins celebrates, and I wish we had a spinoff sitcom of just J&J Security doing regular people stuff because I want it give it to me.
Ashley Burns – I’ll tell you who won’t win this match – people who like wrestlers with charisma. I’m picking the Rowan team only because I think something will happen between Rollins and Big Show and that will lead to “I already beat The Daily Show so now I’ll beat you!” nonsense.
Jessica Hudnall – Obviously Show is going to turn on the Authority because why wouldn’t he? Kane gets knocked out, leaving poor Seth Rollins all alone to take on Rowan, Ziggler and Ryback. Thanks to noble sacrifices from J & J, Rollins prevails.
Nate Birch – Hey look, the perpetual build to Survivor Series 2 has finally resulted in something. I kind of assumed it never would, since it’s not like Erick Rowan and Ryback’s suffering matters or anything. Speaking of which, look forward to more Rowan, Ryback and Ziggler suffering at Fastlane.
David D. – WWE is really pushing the envelope by booking an angle Memento style. We know how it ends at Survivor Series and sometime in May we’ll see why these guys are fighting in the first place. I guess the good guys win here because Show and Kane start fighting again to promote See No Evil 4 or whatever.
Intercontinental Championship Match: Bad News Barrett (c) vs. Dean Ambrose
What Should Happen: Dean Ambrose should pin Barrett to win the championship and then burn it in a dumpster fire, thereby ending the curse of the Intercontinental Championship forever.
What Will Happen: The same thing, but without the dumpster. This match seems like it’s happening to get Dean Ambrose a little notoriety and set him up to do something of note at WrestleMania, which he at LEAST deserves for half a year losing to exploding TVs and ghost lanterns. Wade Barrett needs to lose the IC title and stay away from it forever, because they make each other look worse.
Danielle Matheson – Okay, see, this is where my brain goes BUT NO WHAT IF, and I really have to curb that. It’s also very hard to curb that when a man who lost to an exploding television, and took a subway to Coney Island just to get a hot dog cart just to spray condiments he probably could have found at catering at his former best friend. Like…man, I think I’m all in on Dean Ambrose, just because he makes the wrestling dreams I didn’t even know I had come true.
(I hope the podium comes back but Dean is hiding up top and then he shouts NO I’VE GOT BAD NEWS SWIMMER’S BODY BARRETT and then splashes him from the top GUYS I HAVE NEEDS OKAY)
Ashley Burns – Barrett was on Total Divas this week and that’s practically the gypsy’s curse. He’ll lose to Ambrose, one of his testicles will fall off and his head will shrink down to the size of a tennis ball. You don’t want to lose a nut? Don’t go on Total Divas, bloke.
Jessica Hudnall – My prediction for this match is that David Otunga, representing Wade Barrett, declares that the contract was signed under duress and it cannot continue. Failing that, I’ll take Dean getting distracted by some jangly keys and then eating a Bullhammer for a BNB victory.
Nate Birch – Dean Ambrose will bend over to pick up a nickel and Barrett will miss with his elbow, fall down a manhole with the Intercontinental title and neither will ever be seen again. We’ll all be fine with this.
David D. – Dean Ambrose hasn’t won a singles ppv match since he was with the Shield. I don’t know if that’s true but it feels like it. Clearly he likes losing on TV, which is why he wants the IC title. I think Barrett wins somehow and Ambrose goes on to some other feud.