With the 2012 Summer Olympics in London less than 100 days away, we realize that there are very few sports outside of basketball we really give a damn about. So, to help give the prestigious Olympic committee an idea of what we’d rather be watching instead of synchronized swimming, rowing or frikkin’ badminton, we’ve compiled a quick list of ten events that would almost definitely increase viewership and ensure ours.
You never know. A lot can happen in three months.
1. “Assault” From American Gladiators
Chances are if you’ve ever tuned into any one of the many incarnations of American Gladiators, it was either to watch hot chicks fight each other or to see Assault. Quite different than the kind of assault that puts people in jail, this was the game where someone perched up in that awesome, Styrofoam tower and shot tennis balls from a cannon at competitors, who did everything they could to avoid leaving with welts. If we’re lucky, maybe they’ll even bring back Ice, who we would’ve happily let kick our ass.
Despite the fact they didn’t write the film, the first flick featuring South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone was and still is the best movie they’ve been a part of. Centering around two misfits who accidentally invent a H.O.R.S.E.-like sport with baseball rules, the game took off in the film and would undoubtedly add some much needed hi-jinx to the games this summer in London. After all, who wouldn’t want to see the psych-out mastered on international television?
Anyone who’s been to a college get-together in the past ten years can undoubtedly say they’ve played this beer-drinker’s game of choice. And, even though the rules vary depending on your surroundings, the outcome always makes for an entertaining party. Hell, Grandma’s even been known to partake, so any age limitations the Olympics uphold would be right out the window.
During one of the best episodes of The Office, Dwight and big boss Michael leave the quirky workforce unattended for the day and The Office Olympics ensue. Unlike most real Olympic activities, these consisted of made-up games like Hateball and M&M-eating contests. However, one event that wold translate well in real life would be Flonkerton, which found two contestants strapping boxes of paper reems to their feet while attempting to race. It might seem easy at first, but you’d need some serious leg work to move those bad boys.
5. Hot 97 Slap Contests
Even if you don’t live in the NY area, you’ve probably heard of Hot 97’s infamous Smackfest fights, where the station orchestrated open-handed stand-offs to give away concert tickets and other freebies. That was, until the state’s attorney general made WQHT-FM pay a quarter-million dollars and ended the contests for good. However, seeing how popular the event was back in its heyday and knowing much clout the Olympic committee has, we’re sure these rosy-cheek duels could make a comeback.
6. Hunger Games
You didn’t have to read the book or see the movie to know Suzanne Collins’ blockbuster series is about a bunch of folks fighting to the death. And, even though we’ve come a long way from Romans killing one another for glory, we’d be willing to bet Olympic ratings would go through the roof if there was a little more gore involved. After all, it’d be much more entertaining than curling.
Who doesn’t love kickball? Ever since we were kids playing in the school stomping grounds, we’ve been enthralled with rolling that red rubber ball and booting that b*tch as far as the eye can see. Now, it’s played by adults in officiated leagues around the world. That said, why aren’t we suiting up an American squad this year, again?
8. Medieval Jousting
Wrestling meets Nerf fights on horses might be the best way to describe jousting these days. But, before renaissance festivals and medieval times restaurants turned the ultimate equestrian duel into a spectacle to laugh at, two ancient dudes would actually suit up and try to jack each other for their horses and gold. Give us something in the middle of those two incarnations and you’ve got another outdoor sport we’d happily tune into.
9. Synchronized “Dancing”
This is the one sport we’d like to add that’s almost a guaranteed win for Team USA. Not only do we have our suggested participants, the Twerk Team, practicing regularly on Thursdays, but our high & mighty basketball team would surely come out to support this squad of ass-clapping saints. However, if the Twerk Team did get involved, the 100,000 Olympic condoms the committee stocked a few years back in Vancouver would definitely have to be doubled.
10. Ultimate Frisbee
First of all, the game referred to by hippies simply as “Ultimate” is already played in stadiums around the world and even highlighted on ESPN. So, to say that it should be added to the Olympic line-up isn’t even a stretch. Obviously, the players would probably need to figure a way to work their way around that pesky piss test if they wanted to keep their game intact. Everybody knows mostly stoners play ultimate frisbee.