Half Court Heaves: 10 Longshot Predictions For The NBA Season

11.06.12 5 years ago 8 Comments

Wait, there’s NBA Basketball in November? Why does that feel odd?

Then again we teetered on the edge of insanity without ball at this time last year. So let’s take this time to bow our heads and be thankful for David Stern’s scripted circus heading to a city near you.

I usually spend this time ruminating on the biggest stories for the upcoming season but to do that once again would be boring. So, I’ll entertain my jackass side by sharing the dumb sh*t I want to go down this year. Talking reckless about millionaires sure beats actually doing research to back my softball claims so, without further stuff, let’s get to it.

Isaiah Thomas Dunks On Blake Griffin

Isaiah Thomas, not to be confused with the one and only Zeke, is gaining ground on Nate Robinson’s crown as the #1 ballin’ hobbit. He’s a firecracker and bound to impress when you least expect. Marvel at this highlight reel which makes him look like black baby Jesus. However you’ll notice he’s missing a few rim rattlers in the mix. Therefore, now’s as good as time as any for young Thomas to put some bumbling 4/5 on a poster. He can get up when no one’s around him but I’ll need him to step it up on the vertical front.

Why should Blake Griffin be the victim? Well, it’s easy. Young Blake’s gotten too big for his britches and getting aerially humbled ought to set him straight. Then if the Kings win the game on top that? Whoooooo we won’t let Aaron live out here, boy!

More Dorky, Suspect Fashion Sense

I’m not one for high class threads but the uptick in 6 and 7 foot everything dudes in bro capris and Willy Wonka blazers is a good look. Heck, the switch since the dress code change has created even funnier results than the league’s early, awkward choppa suits phase. What you may consider “cutting edge couture” I call “jpegs that make you go ROTFL.” Keep the off-beat wardrobes running, guys.

Dwight Howard sexts Vanessa Bryant, leads to “practice altercation”

Dwight’s salacious, off court exploits are well known to basketball nerds and groupies alike. It’s a weird cross section, I know. Anyway, I really wouldn’t put it past Dwight to have a go at ‘ol Ko-Bean’s Queen: Vanessa Bryant of “Stay Schemin'” fame. He’ll send a few Brett Favre fun texts her way in good nature but somehow make himself a victim when chaos ensues. Besides, if you love team implosions like me you want this to happen too. Expect ESPN to do their best to soften the impact as they’ve just been added to the Lake Show’s pay roll.

Andrew Bynum Never Gets a Haircut This Season

Look at that boy’s rag top. Bynum’s the latest NBA player with a “IDGAF ’cause I got money” mop top and, since he gave less than 0 f*cks before the afro, the cut suits him. It’s only right for him to let that mean Tito Jackson look shag out until the Sixers’s season ends. Therefore, I’m willing to put my differences against Philly teams aside and root for a deep playoff push.

Hasheem Thabeet Gets A Triple Double

You basketball smart alecs are soooo going to pay for all the not-nice things you said about Hasheem “Can You Feel” Thabeet. So what if he rode multiple benches, hit the D League and has a misplaced Wiz Khalifa patch. The boy’s in OKC with a new mind state and ready to realize his unlimited potential. Then you’ll beg him to be on your fantasy team as he provides the edge in your head to head leagues.

Glen Davis establishes a Bib Line…for adults.

Glen Davis is the big man in Orlando now that Howard’s off in La-La Land. So what’s an enterprising big man to do who’s also known as “Big Baby Davis?” Pander to his nick name of course? Big Baby’s Grown Man Bibs surely has a good ring to it. Besides, he can always pull the “I’m also a client” line after using this footage.

Jerry Stackhouse starts an R&B group with Phonte and Walter McCarty

What, you didn’t know Jerry Stackhouse could carry a tune? Well he’s known to rock a house or two in his day. Pairing with Phonte would be genius enough as his work with LB, Foreign Exchange and solo endeavors oftentimes showcased his vocal chops. Plus he actually has music industry credentials and the height difference between them would be legendary.

What if Jerry brought retired forward turned full-time crooner Walter McCarty to the fray as well? Oh man, you’d have a winning R&B/soul trio for the more sophisticated set. They could call the group “Three In The Key” or, in an ode to LSG, “PMS.” The only problem from there would be hashing out lead singer duties.

You think they’ll let Steve Franchise get a few features on their debut? Nah? Me neither.

JaVale McGee Vs. Kwame Brown: Live on YouTube

The hype for Mayweather vs Pac already outstayed its welcome. Why not actually provide a match people want to see? Well, to be truthful, I doubt anyone would pay for this kind of thing so the PPV route wouldn’t work. However this event, solely for charity and not comedy of course, would stand as one of those cases where you wondered why the matchup didn’t happen sooner. Hapless JaVale vs. Talentless Kwame would be a battle for low post attrition. Winner plays Eddy Curry.

Brook Lopez: DNP – Too Much Disney

Brook (right) is easily one of the tallest geeks in the NBA. Not that there’s anything wrong with being dweebish as the writer of this exemplary prose is far from Smoky Robinson. At any rate Lopez’s love of all things Disney, even Epcot Center, ought to be his downfall on the next road trip to Orlando. This Nets fan can already blame the expensive turkey legs, heaps of cotton candy and one too many rides on Big Thunder Mountain as the culprits. Yet, since I have a sense of humor, i’ll be ok with it as the Nets drop a winnable away game. Bigs need rest every once in awhile.

David Stern Hands Out Golden Stars For Tanking Teams…Then Fines Them

The ever-so condescending David Stern finally did something about grown men feigning injury with the slightest contact. Tanking ought to be next on the agenda before he let’s his Mr. Peabody lookin’ understudy take the throne as the most hated man in basketball. Tanking late in the seasons, in all seriousness, lessens what little integrity the NBA has left and provides a terrible product for our hard earned dollars. It would be quite Stern-ian to levy healthy financial punishments along with an “at least you tried” token for offending, bottom-dwelling teams. Treat them like the kids who didn’t succeed at anything in camp and maybe, just maybe, they’ll use the embarrassment to improve the franchise somehow.

Or they could just keep being terrible. Anyway, with this initiative in tow, we’d at least have another reason to laugh at the Bobcats.

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