Let’s be real for a minute: Valentine’s Day sort of sucks. Restaurant lines are long. Cheap candy isn’t cheap anymore. And you have to actually take a shower leading up to it. But, for some reason, everyone longs to be with someone for the special day.
Fret not if you’re lonely, though. If you find yourself well…by yourself, for Saint Cupid’s big shindig then we have just the playlist for you. We here at TSS have picked a group of songs for every lonely situation. So sit back, relax and tune in.
1. Song For When You’re Getting Dressed: Outkast’s “So Fresh So Clean”
You just dried off from a warm shower. Spirits as high as can be. That brand new outfit is laying on the bed, tags still attached. In your mind, you’re like “ooooh kill’em, ooooh kill’em” as you fake swipe the few wrinkles out of the shirt and pants, then bust into a Cliff Huxtable dance move. Yo, who’s gonna stop your right now? Exuberance FTW!
Too bad shorty’s got other plans, which you’ll soon find out.
2. The Song For When She Says “You’re A Great Friend” After Your $200 Date: 88-Keys’ “Friend Zone”
Purgatory. Alcatraz. The Phantom Zone. A Tyler Perry screening. There aren’t many places worse than the friend zone. It happens, though. And you’re stuck. Trapped. Just that, trapped (c) Big Boi. Is there any way out? Nope. Just go home and cry to your other lady friend who probably thinks of you as a big brother.
3. The Song For When The Sadness Finally Sinks In: Kanye West’s “Heartless”*
Ugh. Your heart – along with your high hopes – has fallen into your shoes. Your appetite’s gone. There aren’t any friends you can call because, you know, all of them have significant others who they’re more focused on bumping uglies with later that night instead of consoling you. If you were old Old Yeller, this is the point where you hope Travis puts you out of your misery.
* — Truthfully, all of 808s & Heartbreaks could be playing continuously on loop. On second thought, the album could run while reading this article.
4. The Song For When You Want To Push The Boundaries Of Your Restraining Order: Lenny Williams’ “Because I Love You”
She said to never see her again. So did the judge. But screw it, you’re in love and nothing will stop you, not even the law. Take the blueprint from the most persistent (see: stalkerish) lover of the 20th century: Lenny Williams.
5. The Song For When Your Side Chick Shows Up And Ruins Everything : Ghostface Killah’s “It’s Over”
Side chicks. They’re not good for anything, right Dwyane Wade? They’re usually a volatile roll of the dice that’ll ruin your life if you let it get out of hand. Just hope nobody is packing a piece…
6. The Song For When You Actually Hate The Person You’re With: Eminem’s “Puke”
Are you alone? No. But dammit it sure is lonely out at that restaurant staring at the cheddar biscuits with nothing to talk about. You hate each other. And this is the longest night of your life.
7. The Song For When “Eff It, I’m Going To The Booty Club”: Waka Flocka’s Wale “No Hands”
You’re defiant. You’re not going to be alone for Valentine’s Day, so you saved up all your ones and you’re going to take Sangria to the champagne room for 15 minutes of passion. You do you, buddy. There’s nothing sad about that at all. No matter what everyone says. You’re still the best player on the Pacers.
8. The Song For When You See Her Out With Her REAL Man: Madvillain’s “Fancy Clown”
Wait. Wait. I’M the side piece? But, she is only yours, right? Then, as you pass by the Ruth’s Chris window and see her with a man and…is…that…a ring? Just drop your head and walk away, buddy.
9. The Song For When She Wants To Date Your Female Roommate: Weezer’s “Pink Triangle”
You didn’t notice her asking when your roommate would be home and only then wold she show up. Damn, man. You were a wing man and UOENO it. Now you have to sleep with a pillow over your ears while your wannabe lady and your roommate are knocking the sensible shoes in the room next to you.
10. The Song For When You’re Going To Spend The Night With Your Computer: Andre 3000’s “Vibrate”
You don’t have anyone. You don’t have strip club money. At least you have the good old free Internet. And we know what goes down on the Internet. DOODLE JUMP! What…you were expecting something else? Okay, yeah, that too.