Words By Jason Hortillas, Jesse H., LC Weber, David D., Gotty, M.Z., Darius Sinclair and TC
Can you remember the first time you saw Common’s Be cover sitting on the shelf? If you’re anything like me, you were skeptical at first glance (just a lil’). I remember thinking “Look at ol’ Lonnie smiling like he found a penny in the park in the middle of June but hey…’The Corner’s’ tight.”
Yes folks, it never pays to judge a book an album by it’s cover. Pharoahe Monch dressed like Boris Karloff or AndrÃ© Benjamin holding a smoking pink elephant gun could keep me from the musical treasures that lied beneath the surface. The people over in the marketing departments at record labels are well aware of the importance a creative, yet original album cover has on the buying public. But sometimes, shit gets let out the gate that should have never ever came out a person’s head. Bear witness as the TSS Crew did some digging and put our taglines on some atrocious artwork for the eyeballs. Not for the faint of heart.
Lil’ Flip The Leprechaun (Sucker Free, 2000)
M.Z: Flip’s failed head shot for the title role in Leprechaun: Back 2 The Hood.
Jason Hortillas: Leprechaun…or Don Magic Juan?
TC: He actually sold this shit in the hood?
LC Weber: Hearts! Clovers! Horseshoes!…Pennies?…
Warren G In The Midnite Hour (Lightyear, 2000)
TC: Vampire In Compton…
Jason Hortillas: Marvin Gaye wants his jacket back.
LC Weber: T-minus one minute until this album title is relevant…
M.Z: Even Warren’s wondering why the fuck he’s taking this picture. Go head, look at his face.
Nas Stillmatic (Columbia, 2001)
M.Z: “I’m the pigeonman daddy, I shit in any weather.”
TC: I never understood the motives behind this cover, but now that I’m staring at it, I’m quite sure the bird called the shots on this one.
Jason Hortillas: The new mascot of the Syracuse Orangemen!
LC Weber: Photoshop, ladies and gentlemen. It exists.
Sumthin Terrible U Stupid!!!(Stupid Ent. 2008)
LC Weber: Ah yes. Irony!
TC: I bet if you dip the booklet in water, it’ll say “You’re stupid for buying me.”
M.Z: If we’re stupid, then your delusional. But based on the background, you’re in the right place.
Jason Hortillas: Their name says it all.
Tony Tee Time To Get Physical (Rooftop, 1988)
Jason Hortillas: What is that, 5 lbs each on the barbell?
Darius Sinclairâ„¢: Looks like the Y.M.C.A. is fun for some people.
M.Z: They’re just waiting for ol’ girl to leave so they can take care of business.
TC: Somebody’s bout to get physical alright. Full body massages, complete workout leaving nothing but those Jane Fonda socks. These dudes…let me stop.
AP.9 (of The Mob Figgaz) The Grinch (Mob Shop Ent. 2008)
M.Z: I know CGI costs money, but they couldn’t do the rest of his hand? They didn’t even try.
TC: To put it frankly: Laughing the fuck out loud.
Darius Sinclairâ„¢: The Grinch that stole creativity?
Gottyâ„¢: “I still do not like green eggs & ham…”
Sia Some People Have Real Problems (Hear Music, 2008)
TC: Geez…I’d hate to see what she does with silverware.
Jason Hortillas: “These are the thinnest dildos I’ve ever had!”
LC Weber: I don’t like to throw the word bitch around…but THIS bitch has problems!
Millie Jackson Back To The Shit (Jive, 1989)
TC: I thought we weren’t using this one?
Jesse Hagan: Yeah we weren’t, but I would hate for the readers to go their whole lives never knowing what Millie Jackson looks like dropping a deuce.
Jason Hortillas: Do not try the crabcakes!
Lil’ Cease The Wonderful World Of Cease-A-Leo (Atlantic, 1999)
Jason Hortillas: Those are 4 arms too many to cover that area. Stop lying…
TC: Sad thing is, this album is straight. And they wondered why they flopped…
Darius Sinclairâ„¢: Rumour has it, one of those hands is a guy’s.
Gottyâ„¢: Looking back, this shirtless pic should’ve been a hint that the hotel striptease he did for a room full of girls & guys was definitely in his future…
MC Pooh Funky As I Wanna Be (Jive, 1992)
TC: There’s a song on here called “Eatin’ Pussy.” I heard it was a live recording.
Jason Hortillas: “With his Rap sales lower than ever, Pooh-Man moonlighted as an OBGYN.”
Darius Sinclairâ„¢: Wonder if it was a boy or girl.
Gottyâ„¢: He’s lookin for the “little man in the boat”
Afroman Waiting To Inhale (Hungry Hustler, 2008)
David D: Which one’s Whitney?
Darius Sinclairâ„¢: I bet weed still didn’t make this album sound good.
Jason Hortillas: It could just be me but the only thing I thought was this dude got fat. Chill with the munchies man.
Big Bear Doin Thangs (Tru Game, 1998)
M.Z: “After winning the Tekken Tournament, Kuma tried to get his cousins in the rap game.”
TC: Timeout man. Is that honey drippin’ from his name? Nuts and berries on the table like it’s caviar???
Darius Sinclairâ„¢: How come the bear on the right looks cooler than Big Bear?
Jason Hortillas: After this shoot, BB was fatally attacked by 4 grizzlies in the parking lot.
LC Weber: Again, Photoshop, ladies and gentlemen. It exists.
Big Shug Who’s Hard? (Sure Shot, 2005)
Jason Hortillas: Do I even have to say “pause?”
LC Weber: He looks like he doesn’t even know the answer to that question.
Darius Sinclairâ„¢: Same look he gave the doctor when asked the same question.
M.Z: Guru would answer that, but he’s occupied with Solaar the superproducer.
Devastatin’ Dave “Zip, Zap, Rap” (Superstar International,1986)
Darius Sinclairâ„¢: I remember this guy. He used to deliver pizza for Domino’s didn’t he?
M.Z: Neon. Crap. Rap.
Jason Hortillas: Dave blames this cover on why he can’t have children.
Gottyâ„¢: Notice the key placement of zap over the crotch.
Young Buck Buck The World (G-Unit, 2007)
TC: Chest naked on Gitanos – Prodigy of Mobb Deep
M.Z: If he was anymore greased up, he’d be ready for a dog fight.
Jason Hortillas: Looks like a broke-ass D’Angelo.
LC Weber: He looks like a broke-ass Devastatin’ Dave.