20 Things More Likely To Happen Than North Korea Nuking The U.S.

By 03.30.13

So you’ve probably heard by now that “Supreme Leader of North Korea” and Dennis Rodman’s road dog Kim Jong Un is popping sh*t again. Lil Kim has entered in a “state of war” with South Korea and continues to make (empty) threats against the United States.

Well, my fellow Americans and immigrants, there’s no need to start loading up on freeze dried food just yet because here are 20 things that are more likely to happen than North Korea nuking us to smithereens.

1. Las Vegas cops and the LAPD apprehending the killers of Tupac and Biggie. Or better yet, Puffy and Suge admitting their involvement.

2. Chief Keef growing up and becoming the mayor of Chicago after winning against Lupe Fiasco by a large margin.

3. Scientists finding a cure for the common cold.

4. Jordan suiting up again and getting not one but two more championship rings

5. Mars being colonized and turned into the Las Vegas of Space.

6. Fantasia writing her critically-acclaimed autobiography without the help of a co-author or ghostwriter.

7. Smanging Sofia Vergara, leaving in the morning and finding both Stevie Wonder and Billy Dee Williams waiting outside to give you a high-five.

8. 50 Cent and Ja Rule releasing a song called “Queens” from their upcoming collaborative album, Thug Hugs n Kisses.

9. Dr. Dre releasing Detox and following up with another album one year later.

10. The Charlotte Bobcats winning three back-to-back NBA championships.

11. Birdman stops rubbing his hands together.

12. Manuel Noriega confirming that he does indeed owe Rick Ross a couple of favors.

13. Dame Dash succeeding in making another Hov, who ends up snatching Beyonce from the original Hov.

14. Jadakiss releasing an album so classic that it’s automatically in everyone’s top five favorite albums of all time.

15. Sallie Mae forgiving all student loan debts.

16. A very popular rapper coming out the closet and outting another rapper as his lover.

17. Chris Brown NOT being a f*cking douchebag.

18. Leonardo DiCaprio winning an Oscar for playing Leonardo DiCaprio in a movie about Leonardo DiCaprio never winning an Oscar.

19. Finding out that the old guy you’ve been talking to at the old folks home you volunteer at is actually DB Cooper.

20. North Korea nuking itself.

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