Words By Matthew Mundy
DJ Khaled – I’m So Hood (Remix) Video
It’s rare that I’ll stumble across something so atrocious, so execrable in every way, that I am compelled to write about it. It is even rarer still that DJ Khaled, an irrelevant, screeching hyena of a man with no clear talents of his own (aside from being able to coerce every single rapper below the Mason-Dixon to appear on his songs, the vast majority of which are not even produced by him), would elicit such strong feelings from me.
The piece of wretched, abominable art that was able to wrench a string of hyperbole and venom out of me is – drum roll, please – the video for ‘I’m So Hood’ remix.
Now, I love this song — featuring no less than eight rappers and one vocoder-voiced hook machine, it’s a posse cut par excellence. The video itself boasts, aside from the assorted talent involved in the song itself, a stunning array of guest spots, including E-40, Bushwick Bill (!!!), DJ Drama, Slim Thug, Joell Ortiz, and others.
What could go wrong?
The answer, my friends, is everything.
1. DJ Khaled - Now, his intros have long launched themselves past parody, making Jazze Pha’s look positively brief and rational by comparison. This one is a special one though. First, he looks absolutely ridiculous, parading his bizarrely shaped frame around as he attempts to trump his previous hand gestures with even more exaggerated and out-of-place gesticulations. Second, and most delightfully, he says a bunch of absolutely crazy shit (including the questionable dropping of the n-bomb), capping it off with his signature â€˜We the best!’ and â€˜We run this!’ All of this, of course, is said in his inimical voice, a hysterical screech that more often than not haunts me when I fall asleep at night.
2. The green (or blue) screen – Oh, yes. This is the shittiest employment of this technology I have had the misfortune to which my eyes have born witness. Ever. Why they couldn’t simply walk outside and film in front of buildings is beyond me. Surely they weren’t sufficiently impressed enough with the effects being employed that they thought that this would be a suitable stand-in for a dilapidated building. While I’m not privy to such decisions, I find it absolutely remarkable that more than one person signed off on this. It’s stunning…the depths of human stupidity.
3. DJ Khaled…again – The possibility of Khaled being a performance artist, perpetrating an elaborate hoax on hip-hop, just sprung to mind as a potential explanation for his continued existence. Nothing else could explain his hilarious signaling and waving in the background as Jeezy (and everybody else) rhymes. Just watch him. Every single movement seems choreographed to elicit maximum laughter. It’s a stunning piece of physical comedy. He also keeps on mouthing everybody’s words and fucking them up.
4. The police car – This looks like it came out of a bad video game. Perhaps this is an advertisement for an â€˜I’m So Hood’ video game? That would be the only thing explain the shoddy, shoddy graphics. That, and congenital blindness.
5. The â€˜WE THE BEST’ graphics that go over Luda’s middle fingers – At this point, I’m almost at a loss for words as to what’s going on this video. And why did some random dude just walk up to make a call on the (poorly) digitally penciled-in phone booth?
6. Luda knocking over said phone booth at the end of his (legitimately awesome) verse – Priceless.
7. The weird tilting of the camera - I suppose that this was one of the reasons that they decided to go with the shitty graphics of shitty buildings, rather than the shitty buildings themselves. Khaled must have been like “It would be â€“ we the best! â€“ great if we could get the camera to do weird, jerky â€“ we run this, man! â€“ movements all over the place while people are just trying to watch the video. And interrupt those epileptic movements with â€“ I make hit records! â€“poorly executed zooms and â€“ it’s what I do! â€“ other camera tricks. We the best!”
8. Busta’s clothes – Wow. This video gets better and better. Just when you thought the dull palette and piss-poor animation had satisfactorily plumbed the depths of visual mediocrity, in comes Busta with one of the most unintentionally hilarious costumes I’ve ever seen. Cloaked in a huge, ugly jacket, a puffy, bloated leather hat, and wearing what appears to be 215 pounds of chains around his neck, Busta gets high marks for the boldness of his vision. One second, he takes his jacket off. Then, in the very next scene, he has his jacket back on, and there’s money falling down from the fake buildings all around him, interspersed with random close-ups of some anonymous girl. At this point, DJ Khaled is just getting uncomfortably, Beanie Sigel-close to the rappers, half-heartedly flailing his arms around his considerable heft. It’s a performance for the ages.
9. The random kid appearing next to Big Boi with what looks to be a mummified puppy in his arms – Sweet. I don’t know how, or why, Big Boi gave the go-ahead on this video, but he did. He must have negotiated a little harder than the others though, as Khaled bestows upon him not one, but two startlingly mediocre backdrops to rap in front of.
10. Weezy – By far the best part of his verse is when a shirtless Wayne holds up a computer printout (I was impressed they used a color printer) of a Maybach and rips it, only to reveal â€“ through the impressive use of mid-90s digital trickery — a different scene entirely!
11. Fat Joe – At least he shows up for a second to compete with Khaled as the most untalented person there. It was looking like a runaway victory for a second.
12. Baby not getting the memo for who was supposed to wear the most chains in the video – Unfortunate, for him.
13. Rick Ross – Oh, yes. What in the world is Ross wearing? He looks deranged & homeless with the beard, the sunglasses, and the ill-fitting red tracksuit. Then, there’s the hand-drawn 2 for 40 sign. At this point, I think Khaled was given $185 for the video, Ross just lost out on the last verse and was given the privilege to rap in two giant red plastic bags.
14. The Koch Entertainment ending credit – Just in case you were unsure what world-beating record label was behind this masterpiece.
The “We Takin’ Over'” video seems so far away right now.