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Men’s Cologne Go-Down Showdown

By 12.15.08

“Obsession” By The L. Photos By Dan Lippitt

Not many of us need anything for Christmas, and the things we want most in life tend to be metaphorical, proverbial and visceral. I’m sure most of you handsome gents would be contented this forthcoming cold winter’s night with a blow job and a smile from the wife. So that is what L and I want to give you this holiday; we want to open that door of opportunity for you by sorting out the best pheromone inducers of the season.

If you aren’t yet privy, the lovely L and I are roommates. In true girly fashion, we have dissected all things Woman, including but not limited to shoes, make-up and perfume. What we have discovered in our trials of the latter is no matter how pretty we think a perfume smells, men have very different senses. In all, we’ve concluded the more we smell like baked goods, the more men want to eat us. Turns out the way to a man’s heart really is through his stomach (Ladies: think vanilla, sugar, cookies, etc.)

Let’s get back to you, good sirs. L and I have turned our focus to cologne in the great pursuit of making all men smell like “he will be mine, oh yes, he will be mine.” A simple sniff that can make a girl close her eyes and sigh. We’re going to pit these eight man-scents — the classics and the newbies — against one another until we have a superior spray. We’ll get your old girl’s olfactory working, her wheelhouse turning, and her inhibitions lowering. Consider it the gift that keeps on giving.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, TSS fellows.

SHOWDOWN!

Preface: We removed Polo Blue and Cool Water from our competitors on account of they remind us too much of ex-boyfriends. It’s important to note, however, that both of these colognes are still effective aphrodisiacs. We also never overlapped brands in this highly scientific experiment, so before we began we had to weed out Diddy’s Unforgivable and new I Am King. Suffice it to say I Am King smells like a man in a tuxedo riding a jet ski, doused in lemony sweat and salt water… so his marketing was genius. Unforgivable FTW!

ROUND 1 (ding!)

ARMANI vs. PORSCHE
A classic clash of the titans. Giorgio Armani has been putting men in classy suits since the ’70s and Porsche has been putting those tailored men in its cars long before that. But unless men want to smell like Meguiar’s car wax and exhaust pipes, we can’t imagine why they’d gravitate toward Porsche over Armani’s Pour Homme.
L: Armani smells like someone smart. Someone who goes to Harvard. Porsche smells like Hugh Hefner, and not in a good way.
LC: Armani is a CEO. Porsche smells acidic like one of those magazine smell testers that you rip open.
L: And the kind of guy who wears Porsche would rub it on his wrists out of that magazine.
Winner: Armani

HUGO BOSS vs. SEAN JEAN
A meeting of trendy threads. Can Diddy’s overwhelming self-confidence land him a place in the Hall of Smell with Unforgivable? Or will Boss’ Selection strike back?
L: Hugo Boss likes to play basketball. A personal trainer. Unforgivable is more of a natural scent.
LC: Hugo Boss is almost oily. And this Unforgivable reminds me a lot of the Unforgivable for women. There’s strawberry in there. Hugo Boss smells more like a man who wants to wear cologne and Sean Jean is just a good smelling man.
Winner: Sean Jean

GUCCI vs. GUESS
The prince and the pauper of the “G” brands. Gucci as a brand is always classy, snappy and forward thinking. If Guess Man is anything like a Guess purse, it’ll be garish and unsightly. But if it’s anything like its stilettos, it’ll make a woman feel unduly sexy.
LC: Gucci smells like food… warm, saucy. Guess is rubbing alcohol and lemons.
L: Gucci is very white collar. Like a dad, but not in an Old Spice way. A young, hip dad. Subliminally, every girl wants a man that is like her dad. Guess does smell less like a man, but… the prince wins!
Winner: Gucci

POLO vs. ROCAWEAR
A duel of the collared shirts. If this were a literal fight between Ralph Lauren and Jay-Z, we’d hedge our bets with Hov. But here we have Polo’s Ralph Lauren scent against Jay’s new 9 IX. Tough call going in that Mr. Z landed Beyonce some way or other.
L: That (9 IX) smells like lemons and rubbing alcohol. It’s too strong. It smells like Long Island. Like “Jager Bombs, Jager Bombs.” Like “I’m going to grind on every piece of pussy that walks through that door.”
LC: Yes. It smells like the 40/40 Club. In a very bad way. This Ralph Lauren smells like my dad’s aftershave, though. Or my grandpa’s.
L: Oh, I know exactly what you’re talking about. It’s so old. I think we’re going to have to pick the lesser of two evils — would you rather have sex with your dad or would you rather have sex with a Gotti? Not Gotty™, Gotty™… but one of the three Gotti boys.
Winner: Rocawear (by default)

VERSACE vs. USHER
The subtly flashy group. The down-to-Earth showmen with tons of only semi-secretive flare. Making love in the club to Chili with Usher, while wearing Biggie’s shades and Pour Homme.
L: Usher is alright. I’m a little bit attracted to it.
LC: It’s a little bit girly, but so is Usher. It’s not unpleasant, but it’s really sweet. It’s a fucking perfume, damn near. Versace is like cardboard and hairspray.
L: [Makes a shit-sniffing face] That smells like Agua di Gio. I don’t know what I would think if a guy picked me up smelling like that. Ow! My head hurts from that.
Winner: Usher

GAULTIER vs. BECKHAM
Duel of the male physique. One in a bottle shape with Gualtier’s Le Male. The other on the field footballing for the Galaxy with David Beckham’s Signature.
L: Beckham is very seabreezy. Gaultier is too sweet and would take me some getting used to… it’s like a first date.
LC: Yeah, this [Signature] basically smells like how I picture David Beckham smells. Light, but not too light. Not too manly, but not too girly. And Le Male is sweet like a first date. I want to hold his hand, with no other intentions.
L: Exactly. I want to hold his hand… but not anything else. I would want to hold something else with Beckham.
Winner: Beckham

Round 1 conclusion: At this point we are merely horrified not only that Usher beat Versace, but that Usher, Jay-Z and Diddy all made it to the next round. But to their credit, we’ve never met a rapper who didn’t smell good.

ROUND 2 (ding! ding!)

ARMANI vs. GUCCI
The houses of class.
Winner: Gucci… for being the perfect combination of sweet and manly. You want to date this man and be dirty. L: “You want to watch a movie with him and then jump him afterward.”

SEAN JEAN vs. ROCAWEAR
The houses of Hip-Hop
Winner: Sean Jean… for being very light and subtle. A cologne that is as classy as a suit and tie, without being uptight. L: “With this, men have just as good of scents as women do, they just don’t wear them.” LC: “And 9IX is like getting into a man’s car after he took a cologne shower.”

USHER vs. BECKHAM
The houses of hard bodies.
Winner: Beckham… for sexual reasons, Beckham is apparently the man. It is sweet without being girly, while Usher is a bit too sugar perfume. L: “I would definitely have sex with Beckham.”

ROUND 3 (ding! ding! ding!)

GUCCI vs. SEAN JEAN v. BECKHAM
Every man for himself. We closed our eyes for this round to make it a blind battle royale. Fair fisticuffs free-for-all of smell and sense.

GRAND PRIZE WINNERS:
LC: Beckham – Signature
L: Sean Jean – Unforgivable

Conclusion: Both of these colognes are the perfect blend of sweet and take-change, rugged and clean-cut, fresh and manly. They both come highly recommended by yours trulies.

So there you have it. Remember, good sirs, just a touch of the spray. Just a spritz on the neck and wrists. No woman likes a man doused in stink. Enjoy!

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