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The Cooler 1.17

Why Pretty Ricky Should Be Executed

By / 01.16.09

Let the record show that I tried.

I tried not to say anything about those Pretty Ricky boys, or their affiliates, but there is a line, and they have crossed it. I would hereby like to submit an official request that the accused members of Pretty Ricky, be apprehended and executed by electric chair.

I’m just going to go ahead and hit the pause button now, and hold it down. It’s hard to address these kids without coming off a little Kanye West.

Exhibit A: the group itself.

Initially, it was comprised of 4 bobble head-looking, vertically challenged, transgender teens from Miami that seemed to be turned on by each other. Their names were Pleasure P, Slick Em, Spectacular and Baby Blue. For that alone they should be maimed.

Whoever let the ink dry on a contract with those four names on it should have his family fed to a pack of ravenous wolves.

But they were proud of these names and wrote them in glitter and crayons everywhere they went, and somehow they managed to gain a fan base. Which is weird because all they ever sang about was grinding on each other and their bodies. Moving right along.

Exhibit B: Pleasure P left the group.

I can only imagine that he broke up with Baby Blue after discovering that sleeping with girls > sleeping with little boys. He should only be pardoned from execution if and only if he later relayed this information to Michael Jackson.

Exhibit C: His first replacement.

The new guy’s name was 4play. Because he couldn’t quite do it for the other members(aiyo!), they found someone they were more in tune with.

Exhibit D: Lingerie.

Yes. This mo fo’s name is Lingerie.

When Jada G. first told me that, I laughed half-heartedly, and thought it was some really misguided joke from some hater. Alas, no. This aggin’s effing name is Lingerie.

On my life, if my son grows up and nicknames himself Lingerie, I’m setting him on fire. If someone else nicknames him Lingerie, I’m setting both of them on fire. If he listens to a group with a member in it who’s bloody name is Lingerie…well, then. I’ll be Lyfe Jennings and get an arson charge for burning that whole damn house down.

But I deviate. At some point in their “career” these “people” started a record company and went on to sign two acts.

Exhibit E: Butta Creame.

In case you didn’t see it, the members of this group are named Buttafly, Hot Butta, Butta Baby, and Cocoa Butta. They should sign T-Baby, rename her T-Butta so that they can all be banished to Hell in one fell swoop and save us the time. These are the broads responsible for the gold-digging/heffing anthem below.

Yeah. Reeeaaaal classy. These ladies should all be caned imprisoned lynched © NYOIL.

These gents should follow shortly thereafter.

Exhibit F: Idiots.

I almost photoshopped a giant PAUSE all across that title. I do not care what these fools sound like. Because of their individual names, their group name, and the album name, I think they should be plopped dead in the middle of Riker’s Island, and ‘acquainted’ with the largest of inmates there in private quarters. It doesn’t help that they used cellphone pictures for their album cover, and what looks like a template from Photoshop 1.0 (released in 1990) to bring it all together. “Pimpz, Killaz and Gorillaz”, huh? Word? That’s really what you think will sell in 2009? Wow.

In conclusion, for these senseless acts of stupidity, ceaseless incidents of indecent exposure, flagrant abuses of public influence, obvious indications of severe mental retardation exhibited by the group and the individuals therein, I move that these gentlemen be put to death on Ol’ Sparky.

If that was not convincing enough, I present the following.

I rest my case.

Unpause slowly.

*POSTSCRIPT: If you catch feelings from this, or somehow think I have the authority to have people lynched YOU should be executed.

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