It’s hard to tell exactly when Transformers: Rise Of The
F*ckery Fallen jumped the shark.
Maybe it was the dogsex, robots humping Megan Fox’s legs or the Transformer nuts clinging about. But if I had to wager a bet as to when exactly the movie dove into the unending abyss of incoherent kangaroo crap, I would say it was right around the time that Amos & Andytron tap-danced onto the scene.
The internet is going nuts right now over Skid and Mudflap, two Transformers that are so offensively stereotypical that Tyler Perry just got the rights to air 50 episodes of a sitcom about them for BET. The speak “urban.” One has a gold tooth. And at one point they even confess about their illiteracy. Good thing they scrapped the idea to have Skid transform into a Menthol cigarette dispenser.
But focusing on those robots (or 3/5ths of robots if you want to get technical) is letting the rest of the movie off the hook when there is so much more suck to discuss.
So with that said, here are 4 other reasons Transformers sucked:
The “Comedy” – One of the reasons I wasn’t a big fan of the first movie was the hour or so of downtime between the middle of the movie fight scene at the end. The writers of the sequel obviously didn’t agree with my opinion, so they decided to make the middle of the movie a seemingly endless barrage of potty jokes and puns fit for the straight to DVD release of American Pie 12: Who gives a piefuck? At one point, we got two male bare ass shots in about a minute that only made the movie crowd groan. Yea, I know I just got ass-raped for my 8 bucks, Michael Bay. No need to rub it in my face.
“Ethnic Phrase” Hilarity — To combat the down moments of the film, Michael Bay & co. decided it would be gut-bustingly guffaw-worthy if the robots used outdated slang terms every two minutes. It was funny the first time Dinglebot or Herprobo or someone said “punk ass Decepticon.” But the humor wore off about an hour in when I expected Bumblebee to yell out “Raise the roof on a beeyotch.” See, it’s funny because that’s what Black people say. And robots are smart and well-spoken. Unlike Black people. It’s ironic. Like Seinfeld.
Robot Nuts — A robot farts out a parachute. Another one humps Megan Fox’s foot (lucky bastard). And one somehow has testicles. Hilarious right? Somebody over in the graphics department needs to get off the meth and ecstasy. Word is, Michael Bay thought The Hangover was funny, so he wants Zach Galifianakis to jack off a baby robot in the third film.
Megan Fox deserved to get smacked — According to an affidavit, I once threw a girlfriend down the stairs for bothering me about the “L” word when I had to study for a Biology quiz. Yet Megan Fox’s character nags the hell out of Shia LaBeouf about saying he loves her. During battles. While he’s getting shot at. She’s like a damn gnat annoying him and the rest of us. All the pestering would have been out the picture of he would have just said, “Broad, you got jacked up thumbs! Just be happy I’m speaking to you let alone allowing you to make me sammiches you disfigured freak!”
See, you pansies are so caught up on race that you are letting the coonery distract you from all the other retarded crap that happens in Transformers. You can’t let that happen. If you do, then the terrorists win.
I want more like this!
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