When it comes to an aspiring MC’s career, a solid rap name is just important their actual talent. Coming up with that proper moniker, however, isn’t always so easy. In a world were reinforcement rules, the descriptive variability can be taken so many ways. Dumbed down or desperately deep. Dickies or leotard Levis. Big or Lil.’ Kid or Man. Hot or cold. Government or given. There are so many choices, but technically, it doesn’t really even matter. It’s not about what it says or means, as much it’s about how well it can be pushed to the people. See: Mike Jones.
That said, there are still a few stymied artists lingering out there whose name will hold them back forever. No matter what. Backing some tobacco-wrapped logic, these oblivious artists decided one day way back when to Hussain Bolt with the first AKA that came to their head. And now, even with a heroin hook lacing a beat that sounds like hundred dollar bills, not even Jimmy Iovine himself could sell their respective acts.
Below are nine unmarketable wordsmiths who – for one reason, not another – are badly in need of a name change.
Considering I’ve never once heard music from this Soulja Boy offspring, or his name pronounced aloud, I can’t necessarily say it’s offending as it reads. That said, to push music your title needs to come across well in reviews, which is definitely not the case for this blatantly African-American brother’s said title. You think a rapper named Jew would fly? Not in this industry.
Better Choice — Lack-E
8) Jon Geezy
Now I don’t know if Decautur, GA native Jon Geezy is aware of the enormous powder-white elephant in the
room neighborhood, but I’m going to have to call a spade a spade here. Geezy? Really? Unless you can get your ticket below 17.5, you’re going to have to flip that name ASAP, dog. All that money and no sense. Sheesh.
Better Choice — Prada Man
At this point, with the word swag played out times a hundred thousand trillion, this Paper Route Records rookie would’ve had more luck calling himself “The.” Imagine Swag has a hit song (farfetched, I know) and some kid Google’s ‘Swag.’ Two hours later, not only has he still not found the song, but he’ll be donating his jacket to some kid in Mumbai. Fail.
Better Choice — Snag
I hate to see ol’ boy on here, but in my opinion, CurT@!n$ is the rapper on this list with the most potential…to give you carpal tunnel syndrome. Please, kid, we enjoy your new single, “Mode” and know you’re creative, but can you please cut us some slack on the symbols!? If you want to us write you up every time you cut a track, save us some time and drop the fancy-pants name. Bloggers, unite.
Better Choice — Curtains (Duh.)
With such beautiful ASSets, it’s hard to say anything is wrong XXL‘s August Eye Candy, Shakur. Except for her name. For the same reason Jon Geezy’s ignorant ass will never reach the second rung of the music industry ladder, Shakur probably should’ve looked somewhere else besides the Pac poster on her wall when the modeling agency asked for her nickname. Also, aside from being ogled at throughout Drake’s “Best I Ever Had” video flesh-fest, she’s currently got a Will.i.am-assisted-single that no one has ever heard. Wonder why?
Better Choice — Giza
4) Ball Greezy
Having already had to Show & Prove in XXL, this 305 rhyme-spitter’s name seems like it should be fine, right? Yeah, until he hits radio. Then you’ve got DJ’s basically saying they’ve got stank dick every time they spin homeboy’s record. Can you imagine DJ Khaled yelling, ‘Here’s Ball Greezy with “Cheese!”‘ To quote my favorite old school Discovery Zone commercial…I don’t think so.
Better Choice — Greezy
3) Al Pac
former Wavy Crocket affiliate, Harlem-rapper Al Pac seems like he was trying to be clever by shortening up an obvious jack move from an actor who only played gangsters in movies. What ended up happening instead, is that – just like the bootiful Miss Shakur – he’ll never sell shit. The same thing happened to Mopreme Shakur, and that was Pac’s blood. Double fail.
Better Choice — Da’ Niro
Uncle Murda Uncle M
Yeah, I know…I’m late. But, we all know that ever since Jigga brought this lyrical lunatic on the scene a few years back with an audacious name like Uncle Murda, a name change was inevitable. Especially after openly bragging about shooting cops over FM airwaves. Long time coming I guess.
Better Choice — (Anything but…) Uncle M
And now, for the most unmarketable rap name of all-time. Drumroll please…
To round out our list of lamebrained rap names, we have an artist who may or may not be a myth. After seeing his name appear alongside Ne-Yo and Akon respectively almost a year ago, I was awe-inspired to write up a post solely to note his nonsensical namesake. Gone In 60 Seconds sounds about right, because this guy has became a world-wide-web laughing stock ever since. Since no picture or solo tracks seem to exist, we’ll assume he either changed his name or was sued. I’m hoping for both.
Better Choice — George Coony (I apologize in advance…)