DEADSPIN IS DOING THE LORD'S WORK
MJ CORPSE RAPE DEDICATED TO CHILDREN

Takers, Keepers. Losers, Weepers.

By / 10.22.09

So far as I can see, Takers goes something like this…

Stringer — fresh from illegitimizing his role on “The Wire” by shaving his goatee for “Devil White Woman” — takes a ragtag group of Jedi Knights and Halle Berry castoffs to rob a bank. T.I. — fresh from a stint in the clink, and still trying to redeem himself for being out-shined in ATL by Big Boi, Lauren London and Diana Ross’ son — hires the bandits to do some scofflawry and Belly-esque bafoonery. Old girl from Drumline shows up, kissing up on Ricky and possibly TIP. Matt Dillon is still shell-shocked that his brother is hitting bigger than him with “Entourage,” so he gets up in the mix to save the day, bringing that kid from Hostel with him for no foreseeable reason.

Then Darth Vader gets on the CB radio and is all “The street just blew up!” and Paul Walker — between filming Fast And Furious Pts. 35 and 36 with Vin “I Do Disney Movies Now” Diesel — yells some obscenities while looking pretty. Chris Brown jumps off a building and lands on a car, permanently screwing his face up as though he’d beat himself after the Grammies (*fingers crossed*). Slow, no-look walk away from exploding helicopter with entire cast of fool-me-twice actors. Fin.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Hollywood, Steven Seagal and DMX were salty they weren’t invited to the party and go make Exit Wounds 2, which oddly enough runs a similar story line to if Takers and Little Foot, Long Foot** made a baby.

All that said… half of my Spank Bank is in one movie. Sold!

You got my little $9, Sony Pictures. See you at the box office.

**“Get! Your damn hands… off of ME.” — D. Chappelle, Academy Award Winning Role


TAGSchris brownHAYDEN CHRISTENSENIDRIS ELBAJohn LuessenhopMatt DillionMICHAEL EALYMoviesPAUL WALKERSMOKE BREAKSONY PICTUREST.I.TAKERSTV/MoviesVIDEOS

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