THE MARVEL THEME PARK YOU'LL NEVER GO TO HAS CONCEPT ART
WANDA SYKES ON TIGER WOODS

Tiger Woods Ain’t No Snitch.

By / 11.30.09

Well, this is quite a pickle Tiger is in. Courageous wife/woman scorned. A mistress. Not speaking to the police yet (or ever, considering that his agent said Tiger has “nothing more to add.” Charges pending. The release of the 911 call made by a neighbor (no Christmas card for you, buddy). Reading the statement Tiger released via his site, TigerWoods.com, sounds like he’s already apologizing to his wife for getting caught with his pants down.

For a cat who’s been completely unflappable in the media and on the greens, this situation looks as if it’s about to have our hero hitting it into the sand trap or one of those golf analogies for suckin’. Sue me. The best headline I read came on Friday when Micheal K called it a situation of “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Whore.” There’s theories and explanations abounding, public opinion is weighing in.

Everyone’s offering up their take but Tiger. I’m cool with that.

Does the fact that Tiger supposedly fucked up matter? If you’re lawyers and agents can hold off the cops, I salute you. In fact, can I borrow those folks next time I’m in a pinch? In the big scheme of things and in the average American’s mind, this shit will blow over. Kobe ass-raped a white chick in Colorado, they made a puppet for him. A-Rod reportedly took steroids, he became a Yankee, won a championship and his soul was washed whiter than snow…all in one season. Hell, the Bill Clinton got blowed back while in office and his praises are still sung. Watch how quickly Americans forget once he wins another one of those tacky but coveted green jackets.

Set aside the endorsement deals, the fact that he’s got a stake in an NBA team & a pristine public image. The man’s got a family that he’s choosing to protect, including a daughter & son. The image at home – that of a father, husband and care provider – is the one Tiger’s trying to fend off from media seekers. If that means pleading the fif, taking a public L and your wife stroking you with your own 9 iron, it’s done. Most children grow up with the perception that their dad is perfect, impenetrable and all-knowing. Even though they’re too young to understand the dynamics of what’s going on, I wouldn’t want it on public record for them to discover as fact later on down the line. As for his wife, I’ll take the public humiliation and the golf club. Hell, it beats hot grits.

Tiger, get your story straight and then stick to the script. Word to Reservoir Dogs, “the things you gotta remember are the details. The details sell your story.”


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