In the great northern alpine expanse we know fondly as Canadia (or in some circles, “Canada,”) the Winter Olympics came to a close last night. Our resident Maple Leaf, Mundy, has been in hibernation for well over year — drinking maple syrup, politely wrestling bears, riding moose and imbibing countless Labatt Blues. Therefore, I take the burden upon myself, as a Michigander — the closest thing to Canadian that America has to offer — to sum up the games if you were without a TV or newspaper or internet for the past couple weeks.
Here’s what you missed:
— Shaun White showed he is better than the world. At everything.
— Russia came within spitting distance of instating Cold War II over the outcome of Men’s Figure Skating.
— South Korea put Apolo Anton Ohno’s face on toilet paper (,seriously,) as he and his 2.8% body fat and ridiculous training regime threatened Korea’s dominance of Short-Track Speed Skating. Ohno then went on to become the winter games’ most decorated athlete on skates, ever. Shit on that, Korea.
— Bode Miller put down the beer and average-man shtick just long enough to win a few medals in men’s downhill skiing, becoming the most decorated Alpine skier of all time. Meanwhile, no one noticed because Lindsey Vonn was busy eating up un-Godly amounts of airtime on NBC.
— President Obama called to congratulate his fellow Chicagoan Shani Davis for winning gold in Speed Skating, and possibly for having the balls — literally — to comfortably rock a painted-on, full body suit. Sidebar; call me, Shani.
— A 15-year-old chick from Warren, Michigan, defected from America to compete in ice dancing for Georgia… and she’s never even been to Georgia. I am halfway convinced she thought she was moving to Atlanta, not renouncing her American citizenship.
— Possibly the most overweight bobsledder since John Candy in Cool Runnings, hurled his mass down the track to win gold for America, proving to coney dog, deep-dish pizza and Philly cheese-steak fans the country over that you can, in fact, train as an athlete by “eating like an Olympian” at McDonalds.
— The official Olympics name for the bobsled is not “Bobsled,” it’s “Bobsleigh,” which sounds vaguely like a horror film title, and mostly stupid.
— Women’s Figure Skating — the quadrennial favorite of Winter Olympics fans and white women the world over — was a bit anti-climactic. Korean Kim Yu-Na was so far in front on the leader board she made everyone else look like 100-pound, teenage amateurs. Which they were.
— America won its first medals in the history of Nordic Combined cross-country skiing, beating the Nordic folks. Go figure. At the next Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, the event will be called the Americombined.
— The Onion proposed a sport I’d like to see next time around; Snokaathlaan.
— The luge continued to befuddle people, who aren’t in-the-know, as a sport wherein it’s impossible to discern with the naked eye what “mistakes” were made when it really just looks like a bunch of white men throwing themselves down an ice tunnel. The nation (and by “The nation” I mean “LC Weber”) changed the channel after about the third guy.
— And finally, the Canadians laced up their skates and hit the ice to win gold in what I like to call The Canadian Trifecta… Men’s Hockey, Ladies Hockey, and Ice Dancing. In other news, Mundy is still shit-housed and celebrating somewhere on the streets of Hoserville, Ontario. Don’t die, Mundy. Don’t die.
Canada won the most gold medals in the winter games, which was a beautiful finish for the country’s “Own The Podium” program. However, let it be known, from my true blue-blood American mouth to Mundy’s ears; America won more medals overall.
And whether or not hockey is Canada’s game, Team U.S.A. still scored more points against Team Canada in the Olympics. So. Sleep lightly, Mundster. Sleep lightly.
Sochi is just four years away.