If you’re like me – broke and continually being forced into buying your longtime girlfriend meaningless gifts – I feel your pain. This year, however, us love suckers need to work together, think outside the Tiffany’s box and sink to a level only guys can (no, you idiot, we’re not getting our chicks dildos). Usually, flowers and candy would be enough to drop the panties, but even those B-List gifts can get expensive. Especially with those damn day-of mark-ups us procrastinators typically get hit with. Instead, let’s stay classy and get our lovely ladies something cheap and thoughtful.
More importantly, cheap.
So, what follows are ten purchases under twenty bucks to make her blush and still keep enough gin money in your wallet to drink away the sorrows after you screw it all up by saying her dress “doesn’t fit like it used to.”
10. Stank Sentiments for Sweethearts for $5 at Etsy
Not only do these clever cards keep it 100, they’re straight to the point. But, even though there’s a decent selection, I’m having a hard time finding one that says “Slob On My Knob.” Now that’s love.
9. Sex Flashcards for $7.75 at Knock-Knock
If you’ve been in your relationship as long as I have (my girl and I double-dated with Eve & Adam. FYI: Eve’s a skank), then it’s no secret sex isn’t what it used to be. If adjoined acts of love/fucking have turned from hot and heavy into limp and lackluster, then these Sex Flashcards
should could bring your libido back to levels last seen around the time you started jerking off a little too regularly.
8. NBA Tickets on Stubhub (Prices dependent on pocket depth)
Valentine’s Day is quite possibly the only time of year my favorite team regularly sucking air is beneficial. The tickets are uber-underpriced – especially on StubHub – and the night out on the town makes your lady friend feel like you want the two of you to be seen in public…even if you really just want to see Brandon Jennings light up your lack of defense for forty.
7. 500 Days of Summer for $14.99 at Amazon
When it comes time to spend around Hallmark holidays, I always end up buying the missus at least one DVD. This relatively cheap date-night is a fairly safe purchase that doesn’t require much thought or overpriced popcorn and typically ends up with a bust down. Or an early bedtime. Doesn’t matter either way, right? Plus, 500 Days… is one romantic comedy worth watching. No, seriously.
6. Give Coupons for free at GiveCoupons.com
These are perfect for the couch-potatoes of the world. Guys who’ve milked every ounce out of their relationship and can’t be bothered to do anything…but can now make it look they actually care with fake, print-out coupons for things they should’ve been doing all along. Plus if you do decide to go this route, you don’t even really have to anything at all. Essentially, these cost-free IOU’s should buy you enough time to think up another excuse. “Honey, I really was going to rub your feet, but…um…they smell like cod.“
5. All Out of Magnetic Notepad for $8.99 at Amazon
Is there a better way than this remindful ‘All Out’ fridge-pad to make your woman feel needed and get your chores done, all at once? Probably. But, this way it’s not called begging.
4. Vintage Jewelry (Prices dependent on how senile woman selling is)
If you’re leaning towards jewelry – always a good choice – skip high-brow prices from bitchy-but-smoking-hot sales clerks and go vintage. Stop by your local swap meet or antiques store and use your newly-acquired haggling skills to beat down prices from that confused, old woman behind the countertop to cop a timeless piece that’s much more original than anything from some fancy-pants jeweler. If you’re good enough, you might beating down something better as the night progresses.
3. Take-Out Menu Organizer for $22.50 (close enough…) at Knock Knock.
While we all wish our girls could cook as quick as Rachel Ray and look as fine as Giada, unfortunately, many of us are stuck with chop liver and nickel-pieces. So, if you’re looking to end the kitchen affliction and condense the sequential clutter of take-out menus, cop this handy Take-Out Menu Organizer and tell her it’s “for the both of us.” We’ll keep the rest between us.
2. V-Neck Lace Crotchless Bodysuit by Hustler for $16.99 at Spencer’s.
What’s better than spawning one off to naked ladies on the computer? Having sex with a real person! Especially when you can have them dress like the lovely whores from Pornville for under twenty bucks with this crotchless (!) get-up that’s sure to awaken your dick from the morbid hibernation it’s been in since you found out your girlfriend slept with Lumburgh. Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as you remember.
1. Dick In The Box (Cost of materials dependent on quality of wrapping)
The ultimate in inexpensive, the ultra-classy “Dick In The Box” could very well be what your girl wants more than anything. You know it’s been a while. So does her vibrator. Go to your nearest ACO Hardware, get an empty box and some red wrapping paper, then cut a hole into her heart and stick your dick in it. She might be thinking of Justin Timberlake the whole time, but hey, at least you don’t have to take Precious to The Oscars.
- Archer, Arrested Development, Boardwalk Empire, Breaking Bad, Brooklyn Nine Nine, Comedy Central, Commercials, Community, Conan, Fargo, Game of Thrones, Girls, Homeland, House of Cards, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Justified, Letterman, Louie, Mad Men, Nathan Fielder, Netflix, Orange Is The New Black, Parks and Recreation, Review, Rick and Morty, Seth Meyers, SNL, Sons of Anarchy, South Park, Stephen Colbert, The Americans, The Blacklist, The League, The Leftovers, The Simpsons, The Walking Dead, True Blood, True Detective, Veep
- Geek & Sci-Fi