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Northwestern University Can Die Now

By 01.12.11

Karma is a b*tch © LeBron James. Tom Hanks went full retard 15 years ago in Forrest Gump and his son grows up to make retarded music. And to make the pot sweeter, the idiot goes to Northwestern and made a “Black & Yellow” remix to fit his school. This means, I get to make fun of lil’ Hanks and the school I owe half of my soul to.

Anyone that knows me knows that I spent all of 2009 attending Northwestern to get my Masters. Those people also know that I hated 99 percent of my time there. The people were cool but I hated…well, I shouldn’t get into exactly what I hated about Northwestern. So, it brings me personal joy to make fun of that institution for the world to see. This’ll teach them to charge me 80K for a program that gets you into the finest unpaid internships slavery has to offer.

Let’s visit the song, shall we.

“Chet Haze” is that annoying kid I went to college with. He’s a rich doofus that hates the fact that he’s rich, so he stuck his head into Wu-Tang albums in high school and didn’t look back. Now, he’s going to school around people that didn’t grow up with him, so he’s reinventing his identity to rap about “hitting blunts after hitting books” and “leaving dudes shook” at the keg stands. He’s portraying an image that he’s read about and listened to, but all I see is a kid who gets to spend the next four years dicking around because his rich parents can pay for it. Chet is a living, breathing embodiment of why some people hate seeing crowds full of white kids at Rock The Bells.

Anyone that tries to make Northwestern sound “hard” is a self-parody. I don’t have any warrants or felonies under my belt, but even I thought Northwestern was as about at soft as the snow that’s covering its campus right now. But compared to Channing Tatum-lite’s upbringing, Northwestern might seem like 8 Mile.

I don’t know how the students at NU are treating Hanks, but if they have any school pride, they should be pelting him with snowballs and rocks as we speak.

The good news is the guys at Jersey Shore can’t say they have the worst “Black and Yellow” remix anymore.

Now, if you want to see a real hardcore school tribute, look no further than this gem.


TAGSchet hazeMP3snorthwestern universitySpotlightTOM HANKS

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