There’s two distinct truths about Indianapolis Colts fans. Fact one is that about 78% of these fans didn’t exist until 2000. And fact two, their current depression can only be rivaled by my suicidal thoughts the evening of June 12. Based off Week 1’s performance, the Colts are on pace for a blistering total of 112 points (over the entire season). Chances are they’ll score north of that number, but without one of the most dominating offensive weapons in American sports history, prayers need to be sent heavenward in a mass exodus. A possibility remains Kerry Collins could pull off the impossible and lead Indy on fairy tale run to the first ever hometown team Super Bowl, help pass President Obama’s jobs bill and name Jay-Z and Beyonce’s baby all the while cementing the greatest ashy to classy story since Christopher Wallace himself.
Then again, there’s also a possibility that Mashonda would be a marriage counselor for Swizz Beatz and Alicia Keys.
Put the gun down though, Colts faithful. It’s not that bad. And even if it does, there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Remember, tough times don’t last, tough fans do. That’s the only reason I’m not in a crazy house right now strapped in one of those jackets that make you hug yourself. Look at this season as the trip to that relative’s house you really hate because they don’t have cable and still somehow operate on dial-up Internet. But, once that suffering is finally over, that family member blesses you with some cash only because they haven’t seen you in years.
Here’s three tips to help make what has the seeds to be the worst season since the B.P. era (Before Peyton), one of the most productive.
Sidenote: You know who really is hating life without Peyton right now? The Colts offensive coordinator, Clyde Christensen. Since 2002, he’s had what seems like the easiest job in all sports giving Manning a list of 20 plays and telling him to choose. At least, that’s how I’ve always imagined it.
1. Tank, Tank, For Love Of Lottery Picks, Tank
See that picture? Brings back tears of joy, right? Of course it does, especially when you consider who was selected directly after him. That guy later went on to play for my Dallas Cowboys. Back to the topic though. This is about you, not me. The 2012 NFL Draft is over seven months away, but always remember that piss poor preparation promotes piss poor performance. And piss poor performance promotes pain, which is exactly what you’re experiencing at the current moment.
Seriously think about mailing this season in and just get ready for Pacers basketball. A record of 3-13 should be good. Yet, the ever-inticing 1-15 sounds even better and all but guarantees you the top spot in next year’s selection process. Andrew Luck sits out there as the presumptive #1 pick (again). As the good brother Ed The Sports Fan said before most of these outlets put one and one together, Luck on the Colts with a possibly fully healthy Peyton Manning is just plain foolish.
It’s the sexy train of thought at the moment because of the potential ramifications. Take your L now, and win later. The Cavaliers tanked and got LeBron. The Spurs tanked and landed Tim Duncan. And the best example of them all? The Buffalo Bills drafted O.J. Simpson in 1969 and Al Cowlings the very next year with the fifth pick. How did that work out?! Imagine if Peyton and Andrew grow to become buddies like O.J. and A.C.! Wait, what? On second thought, everything after Tim Duncan is irrelevant. Just tank the damn season.
2. Watch As Much Old 49ers Footage As Humanly Possible
Why the 49ers, you ask? Think about this. San Francisco remained dominate for so long because of their maturation process (some say quarterback controversy, but we’ll see the glass half full in this case). Steve Young sat in waiting for years while Joe Montana carved record books, shot commercials with Michael Jordan and won Super Bowls before given keys to the car. Steve then went out and had a halfway decent career of his own.
I say all that to say Peyton Manning/Andrew Luck could be the new Joe Montana/Steve Young.
Given this wacky conspiracy theory manifests itself, Luck falls into the very best position possible. His physical skills are as-fine tuned as any quarterback we’ve seen in years. Arm strength? Check. Accuracy? Check. Leader? Check. Can write out an algorithm? Double check, even though that’s not “physical.” He’s smart as hell and tough as flea market leather, so imagine what studying under arguably the SQOAT (smartest quarterback of all time) can do for his transition into the league. Every Texans fan who celebrated yesterday’s win probably felt their stomach drop reading that.
Need more recent precedence? The Packers sat Aaron Rodgers for a few years before Old Man Favre retired for the first time and Green Bay hasn’t looked back since.
3. Thank The Washington Redskins
Ok, let’s say everything happens just how it’s been written and the Colts dominance continues for another 10-13 years. The Colts front office will be credited for drafting Luck and their ability to put weapons around him. Peyton Manning will be lauded as a great teacher and one willing to share knowledge with his understudy ensuring the organization’s longevity. And the rest of the league can have the Washington Redskins to thank for it all.
Over the years, the only person to be touched less than #18 has been the President of the United States. It’s the reason his current injury is so perplexing because the guy is hardly ever taken down. No cigarette smoker knows the loosie that’ll give him cancer, but thanks to Manning’s uncanny ability to avoid contact, we can pinpoint the exact hit which caused his present day, involuntary hiatus. Tony Dungy’s elephant-like memory of an October 22, 2006, matchup against the Skins specifically recalled a play when Andre Carter and Philip Daniels combined to baptize Peyton.
So the story goes, Manning got up woozy and checking his helmet to see if his head was left in there. Shaking his arm to rid of the numbness, he went into halftime still attempting to regain his composure. For what it’s worth, he returned in the second half to throw for 244 yards, three touchdowns and a QB rating over 140. Still, of the hit, which later saw Carter and Philips receive fines, Dungy is pretty damn sure it’s the reason things are the way they are now. “I’m not putting two plus two together. I just figure he’s getting older and he needs some time off, he’s made enough throws. But now, as I look back on it, there’s no doubt in my mind that this was the start of his neck problems.”
The Washington Redskins, ladies and gentlemen. Even when they try to play the game the right way, they mess it up for everyone else. This possible next decade of dominance is brought to you by the good folks at Daniel Snyder Productions.
- Geek & Sci-Fi