When the story of our end times is written and future species across the galaxies come to Earth to investigate our demise, they’ll surely pinpoint a multitude of reasons for our fall: global warming, war, Republicans. But they will surely skip the invention of the McRib. However, we must not ignore the day that one man sought to invent death on a bun and package it in a way that sad, lonely diabetics across the world would enjoy.
For years, evil had been defeated and the McRib was gone. But thanks to endless requests of millions of people who long ago lost the will to live, the McThisiswhytheterroristshateus is coming back to all McDonald’s on November 14th! Now, as someone who is observing the Holy Month of McDonald’s Monopoly Game, I can’t say anything else disparaging about the McRib or the wonderful company that provides it. I will instead buy stock in heart attack-related pharmaceuticals and get my paper up so I can go purchase medium drinks, hashbrowns and large fries in my quest to get that motherf*cking Boardwalk piece.