Valentine’s Day is about lust just as much it is about love, but those cutesy Hallmark cards and Zales commercials won’t ever give you the full skinny. San Fran’s LoveRance scored himself a pair of hits with the sexually-charged original and remix in “Up!” (as in reenacting human dynamite in between lady’s legs) so you know he has no qualms in speaking explicitly.
For all you bachelor’s out there, especially the ones who loved our wildly-popular “7 Fast Women We Would Still Put A Ring On,” LoveRance tries his hands at playing Dr. Knockboots and gives out some comedic advice.
On Amber Rose, “The Celebrity”
To keep a high profile chick like this happy, you’d have to keep a bag of dro on you at all times because she looks like she smokes a lot. Also, keep some sharp clippers because you see she keeps her hair nice and cut. She might up and leave you for the next hot nigga so make sure you have all her amenities handy.
On Kim Kardashian, “The High Class Hoe”
The application reads: “Only Accepting Athletes.” After Ray J, it was Reggie Bush and then “Whatever-his-name-is” Humphries, so maybe start taking up hockey or maybe become a baseball player. Yeah, baseball players make the most. Go with the money! [Laughs] Niggas have to hit the gym dumbass hard too.
On Christina Milian, “Ms. Popular”
Wooo! I love her. Well, she always needs songs and The-Dream dedicated like two or three songs to her. You probably have to write her a love song to make her feel better. They broke up and she’s probably feeling brokenhearted. You should help get her Young Money career started and write her something sexy.
On Karinne Steffans, “Superhead”
All you have to do is lose your morals. I will embark on that journey. She can dedicate a book to me; I don’t give a damn. I’ll happily admit that it was me she’s referring to. Might as well throw your name in the hat since everybody else is already in there [Laughs]. For someone like her though, you might have to throw some toys in the mix since you probably won’t do too much damage to her walls. You have to be “well equipped.” Make sure you go in there strapped too!
On Rihanna, “The Maneater”
You have to play her before she plays you! Develop a working relationship — in this case making songs — so if it all goes bad, you walk away from the relationship with some platinum hits. She was on my list but then she got into with the homie Chris [Brown] and I guess she’s with Drake and some baseball players so I’m like ehhh…
I need that girl from the X-Factor, Melanie Amaro while she’s good and pure! She’s pretty and she got like $4 million dollars. I can be a golddigger myself!
On Hoopz, “The Cool Chick”
For her, I guess you have to do some Love & Basketball type shit and play for her heart or something. You can’t half-step with that since I hear she has game on and off the court. But it’s going to be hard to steal hear away from Shaq’s big ass. My true advice is just to stay away [Laughs]. He may be retired but you don’t want for him to catch you in the club one time. He’s as big as a door and if he’s blocking the V.I.P. section, it’s a wrap.
On Mya, “The O.G.”
Let me tell you about my Mya experience. I was out in Vegas performing and I don’t know how the hell you’re supposed to get close to her gorgeous ass. I got off stage and tried to go to the bathroom over where she was at and her security was blocking my every move like, “Yo, where you going nigga? There’s a perfectly good bathroom over there.” I’m like, “what…the fuck?” It was cool. I had to do the walk of shame. So I guess you’ll have to go old-school with it, send her a Valentine’s Day letter with a circle yes or no for “do you like me?” [Laughs!!!]