March 8th is fast-approaching and, more than likely, so is the end of Peyton Manning’s career as an Indianapolis Colt. It’s been a long, glorious journey for the Horseshoes, but after all this tomfoolery over the past two months, there’s probably nothing short of a Harry Potter spell that would heal Manning’s back enough for throwing-a-rock-and-hiding-his-hands owner Jim Irsay to bring the quarterback back. But all serious matters aside, I for one, think that Peyton should have himself one hell of a final weekend in Indy. And here are some suggestions to make that happen.
1. Pick out some prime real estate in the Colts’ trophy cases. He’s arguably one of the franchise’s greatest players ever and, in all likelihood, the greatest player the team will see for the time being. It’s only right the man picks which shelf his glory gets displayed on.
2. Invite the Houston Texans to brunch. Even if he doesn’t actually end up in HTX, the mere thought of the Colts’ playing a Manning-led team twice a year should have their management wetting their beds for a little while.
3. Shoot some last-minute commercials. We all know Peyton’s a camera whore and what better way to revel in his camera whore ways than by filming a few final advertisements as a keepsake to his Indy fans. Not only will he cash in a check or two, but whenever the people start missing him, they can just turn on the TV and his face will be everywhere.
4. TP Jim Irsay’s house. That ungrateful f*cker deserves it.
5. Offer to send Rob Lowe to journalism school. The Parks and Recreation actor caused a good portion of this messy divorce, so it’s only right that he suffer some of the consequences. He’ll learn how to properly break news, and hopefully, he’ll lose some paychecks, the way Peyton’s now about to lose $28 million. Karma’s a b*tch, right?
6. Offer to exchange signed memorabilia for fans not purchasing season tickets. Jim Irsay was rumored to have been keeping Peyton Manning up until now to help his ticket sales, so the superhero quarterback should do him one better and foil his diabolical plan. Make him miss you where it hurts Peyton, his bank account!
7. Call Brett Favre and ask for retirement advice. In all realness, Manning has nothing left to prove anymore. Retirement should be a viable option now, and Ole’ Brett’s a veteran at this retirement game, who better to call for some wise words? Well, on second thought…