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Seven ’90s Stars We Wanted To Screw, But Not Anymore

By 08.15.12
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It’s always a let down when when a hot celebrity chick falls off. When we were either too young or too broke, we were certain that in five more years we would either be rich enough or suave enough to pull her (instead of ourselves every other night). And during all that planning, it never once occurred to us they might do a 180. The following seven stars of the ’90s have fallen off and gone are our chances to make sweet, blissful love to them, soberly.

Be warned, unless you want your world shattered, please DO NOT CONTINUE beyond this point!

1. Lil Kim

“Queen bitch, supreme bitch…”

In 1996, Rap’s original sex symbol had us all in a frenzy when her debut album Hardcore dropped and it wasn’t entirely for the music either. The now legendary spread eagle promo pic instantly made Lil Kim our fantasy girl, where her reign as Queen B lasted until she started f*cking with her face and body.

Today, Kim is a former shell of herself thanks to her multiple, bad nose jobs, botched all around face job and hip and ass injections. If Kim’s goal was to look like the infamous Cat Lady on Mondays to Wednesdays, Snookie on Thursdays to Saturdays and Latoya Jackson on Sundays, then mission accomplished!

Did Want…

Do Not Want…

2. Jenna Von Oy

You may remember Jenna Von Oy as the character Six, the Blossom sidekick. But, you probably best remember her at the peak of her thickness, as Stevie Van Lowe on The Parkers. Our favorite white girl with a booty stole every scene she was in with her thick thighs and #datass. We wanted to smash and we wanted to smash hard. Nowadays, Jenna’s a married mother of one but she’s not a MILF unfortunately.

Did Want…

Do Not Want…

BONUS: a short clip of Jenna being the original Rosa Acosta.

3. Pamela Anderson

Fuuuuu! We wanted Pamela Anderson Lee so bad during her “CJ Parker” days on Baywatch. Watching Pam run in that red swimsuit, with them tittays – albeit fake – was a sight of glory. That chick oozed sex like ink out of a pen. Then she contracted Hepatitis C and started to get old and well… yeah, no bueno.

Did Want…

Do Not Want…

BONUS: CJ Parker’s greatest scenes

4. Vivica A. Fox

It was hard to escape Vivica back in the ’90s, not that we wanted to. Viv was a baaad woman but somewhere along the way, she decided she wanted to look like Jigsaw from the Saw movies and pretty much succeeded. Way to go, Viv!

Did Want…

Do Not Want…

5. Lark Voorhies

Okay yea, Kelly Kapowski was “the hot one” on Saved By The Bell. But Lisa Turtle? She was definitely giving Kelly a run for her money! After Saved By The Bell, Lark went on to do some episodes of Martin which we’re sure you all remember because you too wanted Martin to choose her over Gina. In real life, Ol’ Marty Mar was knocking that down and we don’t blame him.

Today, Lark isn’t as visually appealing as she was back in the ’90s. Everything from drug addiction to disease has been alleged but no official story has ever been reported on her fall from fineness.

Did Want…

Do Not Want…

BONUS: Lark in her prime on The Keenan Ivory Wayans Show.

6. Nikki Cox

The only good thing about Married With Children‘s bastard child, Unhappily Ever After, was Nikki Cox. Those legs went on forever, and when they stopped, you were immediately hit with a pair of bouncing boobs that turned us into drooling babies in need of milk. Unfortunately, some doctor, who should get their license revoked for messing up God’s work, f*cked Nikki’s face up with lip injections and something that left her looking of Asian descent.

Did Want…

Do Not Want…

BONUS: Nikki Cox montage.

7. Maia Campbell

Good God Maia was finer than frog’s hair! Despite not knowing or caring about her acting skills, we had high hopes for her but unfortunately mental illness, which led to drug addiction, got her instead. With embarrassing mugshots, nudes and videotapes. her downfall was well documented.

Fortunately, it appears that Maia has made a full recovery from her past life and she looks way better than she did during her ratchetity crackwhore days. Yet, we still wouldn’t touch her with a 10 foot pool despite everyone knowing girls with a touch of the crazies make for great lays. We just can’t get over the mugshot.

Did Want…

Do Not Want…

May Possibly Want Again In Future…

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