In the “you-can’t-make-this-up” folder of news beat clippings, Alameda County, California, police arrested 32-year-old Assif Mayr for possession of 34 pounds of marijuana after they found the stash and its guard alligator inside Mayr’s home.
The officers were conducting a “probation compliance” when they encountered the illegal goods and the 5-foot animal–known by Mayr as “Mr. Teeth”–a pet bought by Mayr in 1996 to honor Tupac Shakur’s death. Mayr was booked and taken to Santa Rita Jail, while Señor Teeth went to the Oakland Zoo, where he’s being treated and quarantined because of his ill condition.
Note to all current and aspiring Saul Silvers: alligators make badass guard animals, especially when dealing with lots and lots of bud. Just make sure to treat it well–as Mayr failed to do in this case–because what the f*ck is the use of a half-dead animal when some Dead Head breaks through the backdoor for earthly goodies. Although alligators can’t run very fast or very far on dry land, so relegate them to moat duty because obviously you’ll have a moat if you’re pushing weight like Mayr.