I swear to Odin, if I never hear the word “twerk” again in my entire life, it’ll be too soon. Thanks to Miley Cyrus’ vagina, twerking has been the biggest craze over the last few days. We’ve had everything from Salon think pieces to CNN takedowns in the course of 48 hours. But nothing will ever outdo the sheer sadness of what ABC has tried to accomplish.
Wait. No. Just…wait.
“Twerking is such a complex, technical subject, only a Ph.D. researcher can explain how the body does what it does to make it happen.” False. But carry on, awkward conversations with an old person:
Twerking is a combination movement involving a deep squat and a pelvic tilt, Michelle Olson, a professor of exercise science and a certified strength and conditioning coach at Auburn University in Montgomery, Ala., explained.
“You take a wide stance with your legs turned out at 10 and 2 so your hips are externally rotated,” she said. “Then you pulse up and down as you thrust the pelvis bone forward and back.”
Olson said the booty dancing move is a good “twerkout” for your butt and thighs. It also works the deep muscles of the hips and the core muscles of the lower back and abdominals. She said it will definitely shape and strengthen all those muscles as well as give them the stamina to do activities important to most people heavily involved in twerking like say, picking up a screaming child off the floor.
However, over-twerking might throw out the lower back or make the knees creak, Olson cautioned.
This is the curse of what Miley Cyrus has done. I thought the think pieces were insufferable but when the “journalism” version of your mom gets a hold of twerking, the embarrassment knows no bounds.
While we’re here, let’s get this out of the way:
Miley Cyrus is a horrible dancer. That’s it. That’s the end of it. She’s sh*tty at twerking so she’s overcompensating by being as outlandish as possible in the hopes that her dance moves get validated (thanks Jay Z and Juicy J). See, when Beyonce and Nicki Minaj shake their asses, it’s not trashy because they actually know what the f*ck they’re doing so they don’t look dumb as hell. They have, you know, rhythm.
This isn’t about race or sexism or the male gaze. Okay, it might be a little bit, but – and I can’t stress this enough – she’s honestly too sh*tty at twerking to co-opt or embarrass or steal anything from anyone Black. This is all about someone being incredibly sh*tty at dancing. If she looked good doing it, it would just be another person looking sexy dancing. But she looks horrible. And it’s now “tragic.” So be less sh*tty at dancing, Miley. Or don’t. Whatever. I don’t care. There. That’s my think piece.
The point is, the f*ck are you doing, ABC?