From the moment Hannah Montana uploaded that fateful video of her "twerking" in that weird onesie months back, it's been something myself and others have seen coming like the bubonic plague. Miley Cyrus would reap the benefits while e-pioneers Lady Luscious and Mizz.TwerkSum would be left at the altar. That's the account I will be forced to tell my grandkids one day. That's not an America I want to live in.
By in large part, the brave heroines of posterior gyrations - collectively known as the "Twerk Team" - weren't the first to "twerk" either. You see, the dance movement has been around for generations and practiced religiously in nudie bars in America for years, likely molded through the inspiration of Uncle Luke, DJ Jubilee or Cheeky Blakk. Twerk Team receives credit here because of the lack of credit elsewhere. The not-so-important news of twerking receiving a "scientific study" by ABC was one thing. But to have it now placed in the Oxford Online Dictionary with no footnote whatsoever to TwerkSum and Luscious?
No, America, this travesty will not be taken with silent disdain anymore.
There was a time when new Twerk Team videos were just as anticipated on the streets as a new iPhone iOS update. They were of the people, for the people. (Some) Women took notes. Men, well, we just looked like Pops from The Wayans Brothers while praying to a higher power they were of legal age.
Juicy J, Wiz Khalifa, Mike WiLL and others can continue trying to convince the masses this new Walmart Rihanna version of Billy Ray's daughter is here to stay. She may be and will probably sell like the hotcakes she doesn't have once Bangerz drops October 8. But she's not getting away clapping those minimal buns and taking credit for a dance craze Mz.TwerkSum and Lady Luscious helped revolutionize in the modern era. At least Elvis openly admitted to Jet his routine was influenced by those before him. Young Flatback isn't so humble.
* - Or maybe she already has, but whatever. Jay Z and Mack Maine partially deserve this blame for putting these batteries in her back anyway.
B.o.B. Ft. 2 Chainz - "Headband"
Observation: Chainz bodied this. That's a nice house. And Miley Cyrus can't pull this off because she's shaped like an envelope.
Plies - "F*cking Or What"
Observation: Hold on, ABC, did you really refer to it as "twerkout"? Nevermind. Anywho, this Plies song doesn't seem so unbearable now, does it?
Juicy J Ft. Big Sean & Young Jeezy - "Show Out"
Observation: In houses. On apartment balconies. On top of buildings. Wherever the setting, they take their act on the road and still deliver the goods. You'd think a mid-'90s Phil Jackson was coaching them. The same cannot be said Young Flatback.
Big Sean & Kanye West Ft. Jay Z - "Clique"
Observation: BFF's just a twerkin' away on a hotel balcony in the Bahamas. It's amazing where life can take a person based off their own talents. And yes, twerkin' is a talent. It's in the dictionary, remember?
Yo Gotti - "I Got That Sack"
Observation: Twerk Team's leading Miley in at least six statistical categories right now - best locations, best outfits, best rhythm, realest song selections, they set more trends and their shape is better. Holla!
Lil Chuckee - "Wop"
Observation: The best thing Lil Chuckee ever did for rap.
Tyga Ft. A Whole Bunch Of Rappers - "Rack City (Remix)"
Observation: MVP performance by Mz.TwerkSum here. No other description fits the bill.
Meek Mill Ft. Young Chris - "House Party"
Observation: Yes, they were in the video.
Juvenile Ft. Lil Wayne - "Back That Azz Up"
Observation: Having already expressed my feelings on the song in March, this is the Madison Square Garden for any young lady who takes pride in her twerking abilities. "Cash Money Records takin' over for the 9-9- and the 2000!" is a battle cry embedded in the heart of this dear country. Get your sh*t together. Bring your A-game. Bring your A-hips.
Until Miley Cyrus provides visual footage of her topping this video - please don't feel forced to - there is no way she, ABC, Oxford or any person and/or outlet can hand her the crown. Case closed.