Here I was in church yesterday, praying for bountiful blessings and what not. Then, my best friend Brad ruined/made my day by sending me the following video.
1. The picture above has made its rounds on social media for months. The courageous little guy’s face of dejection, sadness and embarrassment work perfectly when attempting to describe heartbreaking sports losses or struggle plates from “bae.”
2. Turns out, the guy, Emmanuel Udeh, in the video is actually 22-years-old. And he seems like a swell fellow with a big heart from the brief introduction provided.
3. I literally had no clue what his talent was going to be. Best case scenario, he would have the voice of an angel. Worst case scenario, he’d get on stage and two-step his life away.
4. It was definitely the worst case scenario.
5. WHEN HE BROKE OUT IN THE TWO-STEP AND LIP-SYNCED THE WORDS…TAKE ME NOW, JESUS! If I had a dollar for every time I’ve seen someone’s drunk uncle do the same dance at cookouts, I would’ve been hired Chris and Snoop to drive Sallie Mae off a cliff by now.
6. The judges – Yibo, Kate and Dan – were ruthless. They destroyed Emmanuel’s dream, not even as much as cracking the faintest of smiles throughout his routine. And telling him he’s on “short ends” after getting voted off? Sweet Baby Jesus, that’s cold blooded. His face at the 3:26 mark will make you feel like the worst person on Earth because, by then, you’re already on the floor barreling in laughter.
7. Kate ain’t sh*t for not only telling him no, but singing it to him.
8. His face at the 4:02 mark is how every guy feels looking at his phone and seeing his iChat message has been read, but she never responded. And it’s been 12 hours already.
9. Chasing a dream is tough, and often times it reduces you to tears. So seeing Young Emmanuel completely lose his marbles backstage – snot running out of his nose and everything – I truly, unequivocally felt like the biggest piece of sh*t in the world. I pitch stories to publications every week, and 98.7% of the time it’s either “nah” or no response altogether. It’s an emotional process. But I cannot tell a lie. That part – already weak from point No. 5 – completely took me over the edge. I’m sorry, Mr. Udeh. I really, truly am.
10. Yes, the video’s been out for a few months now. I’m aware. Deal with it.