Look, I’m not going to lie. Robin Thicke’s cool people. His music is, for the most part, perfectly fine in my book. And divorces suck for all parties involved.
That being said, upon hearing Robin and Paula Patton were possibly calling it quits due to “irreconcilable differences,” yours truly let off a silent fist pump. There was a 0% chance a happily married Patton would find this corner of the Internet and say, “Paula, that Tinsley kid from the Smoking site is pretty cute and he can write, which probably means he writes great love letters and could appreciate me for who I am as a woman.” Now? That opportunity explodes to a whopping .0000000000000003%.
Last night, Robin debuted a song at the Billboard Music Awards, appropriately titled “Get Her Back.” Coupling that with the other 1,000 open gestures to win P-Squared back, is the historically cool Robin Thicke approaching “Mackelmore-screenshotting-his-text-messages-to-Kendrick” corny? Arguably, so, yes.
But it’s love and love makes you do crazy things. Plus, Robin’s not the first man to openly drop the ball and beg for his queen’s forgiveness in front of the world. Follow along…
Marvin Gaye – “Everybody Needs Love”
Technically, Marvin wasn’t begging for forgiveness here, but Here, My Dear was basically one big alimony check to his ex-wife, Anna Gordy. “Everybody Needs Love” not only marks a catalog-defining record from a guy with a lifetime of catalog-defining records.
It’s one of those songs to play while slow dancing with your lady after she saw you double-tap too many Instagram pictures that weren’t hers.
Martin Pulls Out All The Stops
Let the record show Martin had an all-time iconic breakup scene on the show’s very first episode. And truth be told, Gina could’ve left Martin so many times during the first three seasons no one could’ve blamed her. She loved her man, though. And we adored her for it.
Martin’s proposal was one of the landmark moments of the show’s GOAT-worthy four-season run.* I’m proposing just like this to my ol’ lady. All the way down to the R&B singer.
* – Again, sans two or three episodes, the fifth season never happened.
Jamie King, The Real “Mr. Steal Yo’ Girl”
Aye, none of my lady’s male friends better know how to sing. Moments like this represent why.
Having a guy take your lady from you only hours before your wedding by singing to her right in front of you has to be the lowest point of life. It’s like fouling Shaq on a four-point play where he makes the three and then the free throw. To win the game.
That’s just not supposed to happen.
Puffy Ft. Usher & Loon – “I Need A Girl (Pt. 1)”
Puff was so hurt. J. Lo had some damn nerve not answering Diddy’s AIM messages. So what they narrowly escaped a full-scale civil war in the club that landed Shyne in jail for a decade, which in turn ruined one of the signature voices in rap.
Some women like that sort of stuff.
Drake – “Marvin’s Room”
Or as it is otherwise known as, “the soundtrack for every weekend text message and phone call sent after 1:00 a.m.”
There is no way Drake has this many failed relationships. It’s impossible. At this point, his perils and lack of success in some young lady making an honest man out of him all make for good theater.
T.I. Ft. Governor – “Hello”
“Let you walk the red carpet when I’m out at the Grammys
But I’m what he can never be, a boss, understand me?
You pose and take pictures of things he buy for ya
He got you roses, but that don’t mean that he’ll die for ya
Hey, maybe I got too much pride to cry for ya
But not too much to call you and tell you that I adore ya…”
Playas f*ck up, too.
YG Ft. Ty Dolla $ign – “Sorry Mama”
You get a ton of time to think in jail, or so I’ve been told. From a day that covered drive-by shootouts, hitting a lick, cheating on his ol’ lady, finding out his ol’ lady was unfaithful, too, and then nearly dying after his homie tried to kill him, YG concluded My Krazy Life with this heartfelt apology to the first lady he ever knew.
Carlton, Aunt Helen & Will: Marriage Counselors
Fresh Prince almost ignited World War III. Remember when Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv almost got divorced because of his career in politics. This wasn’t a measly argument that dissolved itself by the end of the episode either. They had the nerve to stretch this thing out over more than on episode.
So deeply disturbed by what appeared to be an impending divorce, Aunt Helen, Will and Carlton (MVP of this clip, by far) launched into quite possibly the most important karaoke scene of the 1990s. True, Phil and Viv had another argument after this, but that’s beyond the point.
R.I.P. Uncle Phil. We miss you down here.
Jay Z – “Song Cry”
“I was just f*ckin’ them girls, I was gon’ get right back…”
Never in the history of apologies has this line ever worked in real life. Not once.
Quincy And Moncia. At The Prom. Not Together Though.
Quincy knew he screwed up by taking the future Mrs. Dwyane Wade to prom and not Monica. But mix in strong feelings, a perfectly-timed Zapp and Roger song and Hollywood’s vendetta against my fellow light skin brothers flourishing and this is what happens.
Usher Ft. Jadakiss – “Throwback”
Just Blaze created so many classics in the 2000s that “Throwback” has never been given the credit it deserves. Lost in the power of brilliant sequencing and monster singles, “Throwback” was arguably the most vulnerable moment on Confessions.
All these years later and no one has asked Chili how she felt about this particular song. Shame on this craft. Shame on it.
Lenny Williams – “Cause I Love You”
This is the “red button behind a glass case” emergency apology record. You don’t pull this one out unless you’ve done something that makes your lady seriously consider re-creating the Angela Bassett scene from Waiting To Exhale when she set his car and clothes on fire.
Lenny said he “watched TV until TV went off.” HE. WATCHED. TV. UNTIL. TV. WENT. OFF. Not until he cut the TV off, but it cut off on its own. Some of you heartless vagabonds will never appreciate this type of music.