God can heal all wounds and right all wrongs. However, songs about God set to the beat of a Top 40 hit where lyrics about p*ssy and drugs are turned into bars about Jesus and blessings are wrongs that could make the most high shake his (OR HER!!!) head. That hasn’t stopped thousands of well-meaning churchgoers from trying their best to make the Rick Rosses and Rihannas of the world apply to the Bible. Oh yeah, let’s not forget the “Drunk In Love” remix that sparked all this.
While we get what they’re aiming for, the results are less than desirable. We’ve gathered a few such songs that didn’t quite pan out in the most holy way.
Now pardon us while we dip our computers in holy water.
1. R. Kelly – “Bump N Grind (Gospel Remix)”
When you’re going to do a gospel cover of an R. Kelly song, you’ve got to ramp up the crazy. So if that means wearing extra tiny cornrows with a shape up and a three-piece, five-button, suit with tails and a contrast lapel, then that’s what you gotta do. When he adlibs “He can reform and redeem the pimp! He can reform and redeem the player!” there’s no question that he’s referring to himself. Also, is that velvet??!!??
2. Nicki Minaj – “Super Bass (Gospel Remix)”
I’m not sure who this angel on high is but chick’s got Nicki Minaj’s voice and flow down pat. There won’t be any bars about Barbies heard here. Nope, not after she starts the song out with the lines “This one is for my guy with his blessing system, He cool like a AC cooling system…He’s real, for real, he is that deal, he turned water into wine, paid that bill.” Who knew Jesus knew how to turn up?
3. French Montana – “Pop That (Gospel Remix)”
It would take one amazing rapper to make me hear a French Montana song that samples the king of nasty himself, Uncle Luke, and have me not think about women with liquid cement filled behinds getting champagne poured over them. Truwarrior is not that rapper. His hesitant “Wha-what are you doing?” echoes the exact sentiments I had when I clicked play on this one. Lord forgive me.
4. Janet Jackson – “Any Time, Any Place (Gospel Remix)”
No amount of holy water will ever desexualize Janet’s bedroom baby maker. This is evident by the fact every male in the congregation had his thoughts go from communion, to that afternoon’s football games to the most x-rated thoughts Satan could muster in the House of the Lord.
For the rest of us, you’ll probably be like the young lady in the choir – trying to hold your laughter in while a softcore porno is being filmed. Ol’ buddy’s shoulder rolls around the 1:55 mark though? Classic.
5. Rihanna – “Pour It Up (Gospel Remix)”
Oh, Lord Jesus, when buddy shrieks “reeeefffilllll,” we already know what’s about to happen. From the strip club to the Youth Christian Singles club that meets once a month in the activity room, Rihanna’s 2013 smash receives a holy makeover that – in all honesty – isn’t terrible in a church fundraiser karaoke sort of fashion.
#StillGotMyJesus + #TithesAMakeHerDance = this hooded marauder just earned himself a full ride musical scholarship to the pearly gates.
6. Lil Wayne – “No Worries (Gospel Remix)”
*takes off glasses*
What can we think of to replace “p*ssy in my face?” How about “God on my side” because Jesus. The sad thing here is buddy isn’t a bad rapper. He does a good job on the beat, but the idea was doomed from the start. New rule: if you hear a Lil Wayne song and think, “this would be dope in church,” just stop and take a walk. Come back refreshed and ready to rethink things.
7. Rick Ross – “BMF (Gospel Remix)”
At least this one knows it’s a parody. And it’s a damn good one at that. This video hit classic status when it dropped in 2010 and it’s still hilarious. With a million views under its belt, this video has probably made you laugh already, but feel free to revisit. But really, everything Rick Ross does is pretty much gospel already.