I just got back from one of those secret chapter meetings the Black Delegation has that scares the rest of America. You know, the one where we decide what made-up oppression to complain about (this month is the prison economic system, FYI), come up with new dance moves and invent new slang we don’t really like but we think it’ll be funny to see White people try to mimic (good job, Nae Nae). The big news out of the meeting was a Proclamation written in regards to the 20th anniversary of the O.J. Simpson fiasco. I’ve gotten my hands on said proclamation and want to share it exclusively with you guys.
WHEREAS Most Black people never really even gave a sh*t about O.J. Simpson in the first place as he barely laid claim to any perceivable blackness prior to or really since getting off for killing his wife [note: add “ALLEGEDLY” bold, italics, underline and comic sans] and that if a piano had fallen on his head instead of him killing someone [note: add “ALLEGEDLY” in GIF form, preferable with an image of Ron Swanson attached] then most of us wouldn’t have cared; there would have been no OJ vigils. Martin wouldn’t have done an O.J. tribute and nobody’s Facebook statuses in 2014 would say “Happy Born Day, O.J.…We Still Mizz You”
WHEREAS Literally every single Black American would have traded O.J. being free for a cousin or an uncle or a favorite rapper that got sent to jail for some sh*t he or she didn’t do. And it’s the most unfair thing ever that American Schadenfreude manifested itself in O.J. “I guess I’ll be Black for this thing” Simpson getting away with murder [note: Embed “ALLEGEDLY” rap song supercut] instead of literally anything else like Tupac actually still being alive, a fourth season of Chappelle’s Show or Macklemore never happening.
WHEREAS Seriously, in the history of America, Black people have had two victories those being: 1.) Using the N-Word and 2.) O.J. getting away with murder [note: Insert the word “ALLEGEDLY” over a picture of Rick Ross in a cop uniform]. And we don’t. hear. the. end. of. it. Yet we’re called complainers for mentioning things like unequal education or incarceration
rates or Black guys always losing to Rusev on Monday Night RAW.
FURTHERMORE The first thing is a WORD. It’s just a word that isn’t even that awesome to say, so it’s not like it’s a privilege to have. You just want it because some people say you can’t have it.
WHEREAS Even if we cared about O.J. being found not guilty, HE’S STILL IN JAIL. So, even if we saw him as some sort of martyr and celebrated his freedom, it only lasted like ten years before he did something else we totally forgot about because most of us stopped giving the little bit of sh*t about O.J. we ever gave by, like, 1996 or something.
WHEREAS There have been plenty of successful White people who have pulled themselves by the bootstraps and made successful lives for themselves. Like, we can name a ton of successful, well-spoken White people who do okay for themselves despite the oppression put on their people by O.J. being found not guilty. Tom Cruise is famous. So is Kelly from Regis and Kelly. She’s White. So is Joel Osteen. We think he’s White. Isn’t that kid from Jerry Maguire white? He’s doing okay we think. If they can overcome 400 years of oppression and unfair treatment of White people as a result of OJ being found not guilty, then so can you. We’re sincerely sorry for all the times you got arrested for driving while thinking O.J. was guilty, the loans you were denied because O.J. is free, your child’s poor education due to No O.J. Verdict Left Behind, and the housing segregation imposed on your family because a jury let O.J. go. But if Manu Ginobli and Honey Boo Boo can overcome the obstacles White people have faced since the O.J. trial then you can too.
WHEREAS I don’t think even most White people give a sh*t about O.J. or the trial either. Because bringing up the trial in any microcosmic sense in 2014 is the most graspy-at-straws-y thing anyone can do and most humans regardless of race know better, so this proclamation is probably for you asspogos who can’t get over the damn thing.
NOW, THEREFORE, We proclaim that everyone get the f*ck over O.J. and stop talking about it. We mean, sh*t, America.