Did you know Karl Malone was the second leading scorer in NBA history? Did you also know that stat was filed in the “Who Gives A Flipping Wombat” archives? Never has there been a more unmarketable and ultimately despised Hall of Famer than the Mailman #32. Even Pete Rose wouldn’t bet a dollar on a Malone endorsement.
And with Jerry Sloan’s recent retirement making headlines, good ‘ol tractor-trailer Karl has even dropped hints at maybe occupying a coaching position in the near future. A word from the wise Mailman: Don’t. If nobody is buying your comeback due to Sketchers’ sneakers, then it’s highly unlikely that any player would take heed to your pick-n-roll lessons, with your non-championship-having-cow-tipping-arse.
With his status as the #1 Worst Dad already secured, here’s a look some of Malone’s other failures as a figurehead.
As A Shoes Salesman
Before he was slangin’ Skechers to senior citizens, Malone tried to convince us that L.A. Gear® would go the way of Air Jordan’s and Foamposite’s in the coming years. The only problem was that they were hard to wear without the Jane Fonda aerobic socks and any kid wearing a purple gym shoe on the court was immediately sent to the hopscotch area.
As An Actor
With a dramatization only a mother could love, Karl was among the 5,430 personalities chosen for a cameo in 2004’s in-flight snoozer, Soul Plane. Notice how proudly he tells Tom Arnold, “I play for the Lakers.” How’d that work out for you, Mr. Mailman? Will Perdue has more NBA rings than you and both of you had the same amount of basketball legends (Purdue with MJ & Pip, Malone with Kobe & Shaq) on your respective teams.
As An Fitness Instructor
In an effort to secretly mask his fetish for all things Spandex®, Karl took to nearly impossible workout exercises for non-pros just to say he wore multiple hats. Hell, he spent the duration of the VHS trying to persuade viewers not to do the repetitions.
The First Coming of Billy Blanks he was not, but you have to applaud his determination to do the video without an…uh…um..an…um…teleprompter.
As An Universal Fatboy
Talk about your classic contradiction. Really Karl? You maintained that “Bust-N-Gut” by scarfing down, of all things, fried chicken!??! I guess his contract expired before Hardee’s let him introduce their World Famous watermelon spheres.
As A NBA Spokesperson
Just in case you were wondering, the same thing that landed him the role in Soul Plane was also the reason you didn’t see him in anything else. And isn’t it strange that he only got excited when the mascots bent over to touch the toes? Things that make you go hmmm…
As Rogaine’s Million Dollar Man
While I’m not sure entirely sure what Rogaine paid Malone to lie on national TV, the fact that the clip of him signing boxes of their hairware like they were Upper Deck memorabilia, has been wiped off the face of the Internet is testament to their authentication.
Shortly thereafter, Karl was seen sporting the baldy and several dozen Hair Clubs knocked Rogaine out of that coveted late night infomercial slot.