Flowers. Candy. Candlelit dinners. F*ck it. Just f*ck it all. Valentine’s Day is for those deeply in love, and their unfortunate boyfriends. For the single man, February 14 is at once a relief (more money for beer!), and an unavoidable reminder that you’re flying solo. Love? Nah. I’m good.
Besides, there are a lot of single, horny, women out on Valentine’s Day. You hit the club to try your luck, but aren’t successful. Still you had fun, and a drink or twelve, and during the cab ride home love doesn’t sound like such a bad idea anymore. You remember that moment when you knew your ex was the one (she told you her favorite episode of Martin was the one with Angry Man at the DMV too), and you can almost smell that expensive ass lotion she used waft through the air, and…oh shit are you calling her?
Look, drunk-dialing almost never ends well, but sometimes the combination of alcohol and repressed emotion is too much to overcome. If you succumb to the sweet hangover of liquor-induced lovesickness, here are few songs to play in the background. Who knows? You may win her back (Probably not.)
1. Bell Biv Devoe – “When Will I See You Smile Again?”
If you really want her back, take the blame. That’s what Ricky, Ronnie, and Mike did. The truth is, it probably was your fault, but even if it wasn’t, just bite the bullet and say it was. What’s one more lie in the grand scheme of things?
2. Boyz II Men – “Please Don’t Go”
You can’t go wrong with having the dude who sings bass talk in the beginning of the song. Let him be your Cyrano and say all of the things you could never seem to get right.
3. Az Yet – “Hard To Say I’m Sorry”
For those that finally managed to wriggle out of a volatile relationship filled with jealousy, paranoia, and mind games, this is how you get back in. Remind her that all of those arguments, accusations, and downright crazy things you said were just because you love her. Tell her that you can’t wait to see her again…when you get out in five years.
4. Michael Jackson – “Do You Remember”
Remember when you used to clean up your apartment before she came over? Wear matching socks? Watch romantic comedies and pretend like you enjoyed them? Take her back to the good times. Also be sure to scream “WHAT ABOUT US???!!!??? GIRL!!!”
5. Jodeci – “Cry For You”
If you are going to beg, put some BEG in it, and let her know exactly how you feel. Throwing in a couple of “OOH YEAH”s probably wouldn’t hurt either.
6. Case – “Missing You”
Regret can drive you crazy. When you miss her so much that you want to stand in the middle of a desert, shirtless, with a denim vest on, take another sip, give this one a spin, and pick up the phone.
7. Blackstreet – “Don’t Leave Me”
How could a group with a member named Chauncey not have a song about simpin’? This 1996 track was a Top 40 that found them beggin’, moanin’ and pleading for their main lady to come back home.
8. Babyface – “When Can I See You Again”
Put on your white linen pants and use some of your old man game to back into her good graces…and dem pannydrawz! Babyface pandered to the ladies shamelessly. Follow his lead, and leave your pride at home.
9. Boyz II Men – “End Of The Road”
Be careful with this one. If you end up crying goon tears instead of smooth talking your lady, you may find yourself with the dial tone echoing in your ear. If you can make it through the song and maintain the bass in your voice, maybe, just maybe, you can win her over…or at least get a late night booty call out of it.
10. Brian McKnight – “Anytime”
If you’re going with Brian McKnight, it’s best to lead with something from his smooth, loverman, period and save his instructional take on the many uses of the vagina for after you close the deal.
11. R. Kelly – “I Can’t Sleep Baby (If I)”
What were you thinking? You didn’t know that guy you caught her having dinner with was her cousin. You didn’t mean to call her all of those awful things. Her weave doesn’t look cheap at all. You didn’t mean it! Let’s talk about it, baby.
12. Jodeci – “Feenin’”
The closest thing to the feeling of love is an intense addiction. You can’t eat, you can’t sleep, and some of you will probably steal from your roommate’s wallet to get the cab fare over to your ex’s house. It’s hard to give up your ex cold turkey, so let her know.
13. Keith Sweat – “Nobody”
When all else fails, let her know that the drop-off between you and the next dude will be severe. Put on your best pimp voice and tell her “don’t cheat yourself, treat yourself, baby.”
14. Peabo Bryson – “Can You Stop The Rain”
Appeal to her sense of compassion. Let her know how bad it’s been for you without her. This is not the time for shame or pride. You can deny everything in the morning.