Pass The Bourbon, Because College Freshmen Are About to Get Dumped

11.27.13 4 years ago 14 Comments

The Atlantic calls it the “Turkey Drop,” but we prefer to call it the “Turkey Dump,” as in, college freshmen, compose yourselves. You’re about to get f*cking DUMPED.

The “Turkey Dump” is when high school relationships go up in flames right after couples return home for Thanksgiving, typically after each member in the couple has survived their first few months of college, either being a constructive campus member (beer bonging Natty Ice; dancing on bars; vomiting all over a friend’s older brother’s couch) or being that ONE dude or chick who spends every Friday and Saturday Skyping the long-distance bf/gf.

In the case of the latter, “turkey dumping” occurs because homesickness–what’s causing all those Skype sessions–lessens by Thanksgiving. This in turn causes freshmen to “realize they no longer need the safety blanket of their high school significant other.” The giant, glorious DUMP then commences, the alpha member’s ditching that wet, awkward security blanket for beer jackets and freedom goggles. He/She then gets his/her “young and wild and free” on.

“But writer,” you might say. “What about if the below is how we BOTH feel?”

A freshman will think, ‘When I was with this girl in high school, I thought we were going to be together forever.

Well, U.O.E.N.O. yet, partner, because people change.

Then I got to college and saw that there was so much going on – different people and places and things.’

Then again, you could be the duddy who waits until senior year to dump your high school boo thang, which is worse. Or you’ll go all the way and get married (hi, Mom and Dad!). There are no hard numbers with this story.

But two out of three of those scenarios result in fiery collapse, so might as well cry your eyes out in the taters and gravy now while there’s liquor within arm’s reach of the dining room table.

So keep this in mind:

The whole process is trial and error: Try a lot of different things, and see what works. The biggest pressure for freshmen to “turkey drop” comes from knowing that we may never again be this free to explore.

Exactly. That totally awesome winter semester awaits.

Photo: Getty

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