So I found out on Friday that I strep throat, so in order to avoid infecting the rest of my family, I decided to spend all day Saturday at the movie theater where I could potentially infect total strangers.
What started as me finally getting to see Amazing Spider-Man 2 eventually led to me watching Godzilla and X-Men: Days Of Future Past all in one barely-interrupted marathon run. If you want detailed reviews of these movies, head on over to Vince’s domain because he’s actually competent at these things. Meanwhile, I’ll just share some random thoughts I had on each movie and go about my day.
Also: SPOILERS AHEAD.
Amazing Spider-Man 2: Electric Boogaloo
1. I don’t give a sweet hot damn what you think, but this set of Spider-Man movies is way better than Sam Raimi’s originals. The original Spider-Man movies were pure cornball ass camp that treated everything with a wink and a nod to how silly it was. Go back and watch the movies again. They age horribly. Sure, Hipster Spider-Man has its own silliness inherent in the fact it takes itself a little too seriously, but it’s truer to the characters and the heart of Spider-Man than the originals.
2. The heart of the emotional conflict between Peter and Gwen Stacy is that they’re finishing high school and headed to college on separate paths and are contemplating breaking up. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t get emotionally invested in that story. I kept thinking that they’d forget about each other the minute the hunched another college freshman in the non-fiction section of the library. If Uncle Ben were around, he would have told Peter how much sweet, sweet butt he was missing out on by sticking with his high school chick. And you know Gwen would have racked up the moment she hopped on campus, too.
3. This bears mentioning: f*ck Mary Jane Watson and the horse she rode in on. Gwen Stacy was always a better match. She was smart, driven, fearless and caring. Mary Jane just said “Tiger” all seductively and sucked at everything else. I’m team Gwen all day, and I hope they don’t expect me to root for Mary Jane on the third movie…with her wack ass.
PS. Even if you didn’t read the comic, the ending was pretty clear roughly 45 seconds into the movie. Here’s the transcript of Gwen Stacy’s valedictorian speech (yes, she was valedictorian of her high school and Mary Jane probably barely graduated): “IN LIFE THINGS HAPPEN. LIKE DEATH. PEOPLE DIE. BEFORE YOU WANT THEM TO. I’M GOING TO DIE, EVERYONE!” Subtle foreshadowing, Hollywood.
4. #StayWokeDawg Alert: As I mentioned before on my social networks, I’m appalled that ASM is perpetuating the stereotype that Black men in hoodies electrocute people with their hands. Let’s get the NAACP in on this so Donald Sterling can get another Lifetime Achievement Award. Wait. By the way, Captain America featured a Black man getting pulled over and gunned down by 40 cops in broad daylight in D.C. and ASM featured a Black man in a hoodie getting shot at in Times Square. Who said comic book movies aren’t realistic? Too soon?
5. Man, this movie really dragged. I kept wanting to see monster fights and they kept wanting to make me think and feel things. I did neither. I just waited for monster fights, which didn’t happen until the end of the movies.
6. I didn’t even know there was a regular-faced Olsen sister. *NBC “The More You Know” Rainbow*
7. Godzilla basically is a movie about a monster who was dormant for millennia but awakened to stop two other creatures totally unrelated to him from procreating. They really should have just called the movie Godzilla: The Hating Ass Hater Lizard. That’s c*ckblocking on steroids. He’s basically the embodiment of your girlfriend’s roommate who just gave her the “he needs to be paying rent if he’s gonna be here that damn much” speech.
8. The climatic scene is Godzilla fighting a giant wasp and the giant wasp’s baby momma in the street. Does WSHH get a writing credit?
X-Men: Days Of The Future Past
9. Yo. One day Bryan Singer walked into a writers’ room and said, “how can we make it like X-Men: The Last Stand never happened?” and this movie was born. God bless him for that. I don’t know where this movie stands as an X-Men movie quite yet, but it might be at the top right above or next to X-Men 2. This was just great.
10. However…there was one MAJOR plot hole (okay, there were a lot, but bear with me): if Trask and co. were looking for a big mutant transgression to rally humans behind the Sentinel program, why didn’t they just publicize the fact that Magneto KILLED JFK?! Trask spent the whole movie looking for backing and a galvanizing event but everyone thought that Magneto killed the President. Wouldn’t that be enough?
11. Either Halle Berry’s agent has been playing one elaborate prank on her or there’s an Oscar for best actress sitting at a pawn shop somewhere. In the last couple of years, Halle has been in Studio 43 aka The Movie That God Forgot, a freaking WWE Studios movie and a damn extra in the latest X-Men movie. She literally said two words then got thrown in the bushes.
12. So basically Fox threw Quicksilver in the movie just to make Marvel Studio’s life more difficult for trying to put their own version of Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch in the Avengers sequel, huh? He had some really dope scenes but he was pretty much a throw-in. Movie studios are so petty.
13. EN SABAH NUR. My body is ready for the next X-Men movie.
14. I’m still going with Captain America as the best comic movie of the year, but X-Men is damn close. Spider-Man felt too much like an extended trailer for the Sinister Six to be as great as it should have been.
Overall, though, I think we’re in a new era of comic book movies. A decade ago, the comic book aspects of the movies were afterthoughts or something the movies had to reconcile with. Think Batman or the first set of Spider-Man movies. They were good/great movies but they didn’t really satiate my desire to see full-on comic book stories on the big screen. Like, Dark Knight was a great movie, but was it a great Batman movie? I didn’t get nearly enough actual kick-ass fighting or detective work from him (the one bullet tracing scene aside).
Now with movies like Avengers and especially Days Of Future Past, comic book movies are a full-on marriage between the page and the big screen in a way that’s organic and not too inside baseball for the casual fan.
Anyway, thanks for reading my random thoughts. Here’s hoping you enjoy these movies and that I didn’t give you strep.
I want to take a minute and talk about the birth of the most annoying type of movie watcher: the Wannabe Comic Book Snob. This is the person who claps really loudly whenever Stan Lee does his cameo and urges the person next to him even though that person most certainly already knows Stan Lee is in the movie, too.
This is the person who read a comic or played the kickass X-Men arcade game or watched dunna dunna dunn dunn dunnn on Fox Kidz every Saturday, so when the movie does something different than that one detail he remembers, he harps on it to all his friends as the reason the movie sucked. For example, “Kitty Pride can’t make people go back in time, so this movie sucks.” Or maybe, hear me out. Maybe it’s a friggin’ movie and they changed some sh*t. Everything ever made ever based on a thing before it changes something.
So just deal with and shut your stupid bread hole while dealing with it.