We didn’t really have any special planned to celebrate Ja Rule’s birthday. With this being a Leap Year, the little crooning prince of rap had his special day almost slip past us. Since 1976, Ja has only been able to celebrate nine actual birthdays, so each one is extra special. So we just wanted to make him a card and send our well wishes because people in jail like to get mail as a sign that the outside world hasn’t forgotten about them.
So here’s our birthday letter to Ja Rule:
We’re writing to let you know we haven’t forgotten you. And really, how could we forget Ja Rule? You became a multi-millionaire with a style all
Tupac’s DMX’s Ton Loc’s your own. And you’ve always been a man of the people. In fact one out of every three Ja Rule hooks has you declaring that the song is in fact for your n*ggas and your b*tches. Now, we know you’re not just doing this because those words are the easiest rhymes of all time. No, you’re doing that because you love giving back to your people. Us. Your people. Your followers.
As we celebrate your ninth birthday, and after considering your career achievements and body of work, we can’t help but place you among the top 10 nine-year-old rappers ever. Not even nine-year-old Bow Wow or the lyricists extraordinaire Kris Kross could compete with most of your best work. And they definitely couldn’t sing as well. Let alone act with pitch-perfect emotion and cadence. (Half Past Dead anyone? Beyatch)
Ja, you’ve lived a life most nine-year-olds only dream of before running to their parents’ rooms and crying about the horrible nightmare they’ve just had. Because of all you’ve done, we’re mailing you a few gifts to go along with this letter.
— One free Turbo Tax Pro package
— The Steven Segal Greatest Hits DVD Collection
— New, cushioned bandanas for optimum sleep comfort
— Lil Mo for your next conjugal visit
— A recap of what 50 Cent’s been doing for the least year or so. Knowing where his career is headed should help you sleep well at night (Comes with free Chelsea Handler poster).
We hope you enjoy your ninth birthday and we can’t wait to write you on your 10th after you’ve come back, gone to jail again, come back again, had a beef with Drake, signed to Young Money and made the XXL Freshman cover.
Happy Birthday…It’s Murdaaaaaa!
The Smoking Section