Was Racist As Shit Yo…
Words By Phonte…straight from his Myspace.
With everybody in 80’s mania over the release of ‘Transformers’ (which I haven’t had time to check yet, sadly), I figured I would take time to revisit one of my most favorite pieces of 80’s WASP propaganda, “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out.”
Let me start by saying that I usta LOVE this game back in the day, yo. The Mike Tyson code is still embedded in my brain to this day (007 373 5963, bidges), right next to the Contra code for 30 men. Seriously…..this game is prolly responsible for more niggas flunkin 3rd grade than I care to imagine:
Little Boy 1: “Ay man, you gon study for Ms. Johnson’s test tomorrow?”
Little Boy 2: “Man hell naw, I’m trynna beat the 2nd Bald Bull….”
*six weeks later*
Mama: “Boy, how the hell you get a ‘F’ in social studies?”
Little Boy 1: “Ionno…..”
Mama: “Playin that damn Nintendo all night…..unhook that shit from the TV and put it in my room!”*
*Note: If your moms was extra evil (like mine), she would take it even further and hide the controllers.
Although this game is an undeniable classic and has provided me with countless hours of entertainment, I now view it with a different perspective. While the character of Little Mac and the whole ‘Great White Hope’ theme is certainly nothing new (only recently have video games started using racially ‘neutral’ characters, i.e. Torque from ‘The Suffering’ or Kratos from ‘God of War,’ the latter voiced by a Black man…..go figure….), this game takes the racial stereotyping to whole new levels and begs the question: Is “Mike Tyson’s Punchout” just mindless entertainment, or is a game centered around a white boy knockin out niggas from all over the world just another part of The Man’s CON-SPEER-UH-CEE? Hmmmmmm…….
*eyes widen, looks directly into camera*
First off, let’s examine the main character, Little Mac (henceforth niggerized as ‘Lil’ Mac):
Like I said before, the Great White Hype character is nothing new, but “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out” takes this archetype to whole new levels by giving Lil’ Mac a coonishly illustrated trainer named Doc Louis (pictured above). Complete with an unquenchable thirst for victory, as well as a down-on-his-luck, bug-eyed nigga in his corner, Lil’ Mac along with his All-Wise, All-Knowing pocket sambo are poised for victory. But first they must defeat the terrorists, excuse me, boxers in their way:
The first country Lil’ Mac has to conquer is France, and he does so by knocking out their weakest export Glass Joe. In the game developer’s defense, most French niggas do be all skinny and shit like ya boy Joe. However, a few years ago I was in France a day before they celebrated Bastille Day, and summa them white boys was in the street lookin brolic as hell. Methinks that if Lil’ Mac were to run up on Herve and Francois after they had a few drainks in ’em, they’d bust that ass…..on to the next one (c) De La Soul:
Lil’ Mac continues his war on terrorism by traveling to Germany and defeating their champion Von Kaiser. I guess Mac still had beef w/Germany from the way they handled WWII, so he carries his patriot rage into the ring and beats this nigga pretty easily. I will say that I ain’t never seen a German with the handlebar moustache, but I’m guessing the developers only gave him that kinda moustache because the Hitler/Charlie Chaplin joint they originally had didn’t make it past the censors. Our award tour continues with:
Piston Honda is one of the most puzzling characters in “Punch-Out.” He’s supposed to be Japanese, but I always thought he was just a nigga in the service who was stationed in Japan. (He DID have porkchop sideburns yo…) I mean, aside from his ‘Japanese’ gibberish in between rounds and a Daniel-san style headband that he wore, Piston always reminded me of this guy from 2 Live Crew:
Maybe Piston Honda was a blacken chinese man (c) Rehdogg…..anyway, our trusty hero Lil’ Mac defeats the jap and keeps trekking on to Spain where he meets:
In order to rid the world of everything that is not pure and white and godly, Lil’ Mac rages war against a Spanish homosexual named Don Flamenco. (Don’t believe he’s gay? The nigga comes out with a rose in his mouth and compliments Mario on his hair, yo….the defense rests…) I don’t know why the developers felt the need to have our hero bash a harmless gay dude, but as the game shows us, the worst is CLEARLY yet to come:
Do I even have to explain this one?
Lil’ Mac beats the living shit out of a grown ass monkey, fam…..
In one of the game’s most brazenly stereotypical moments, our hero travels to Bombay, India to fight a man named Great Tiger. As if the genie pants and the tiger references weren’t enough, Great Tiger also comes equipped with (aha!) his very own Mystical Magical Sandnigger Turban that enables him to disappear and throw a flurry of dizzying punches. I mean, it seriously doesn’t get anymore stereotypically racist than that. They might as well have had that nigga eatin chicken biryani w/chapati bread in between rounds….
This guy always confused me. Back then, I had no idea where Turkey was or what the people looked like…..but I figured there was no way they could look like Bald Bull, who looked like a nigga from Cleveland that be workin on alternators and shit… Overall he was a very scary and menacing fighter tho….complete with the same deranged looking eyes and arched eyebrows as this guy:
Anyways, Lil’ Mac makes short work of the Turk and travels to Russia to take on a drunken commie bastard:
In one of the game’s most bizarre fights, Lil’ Mac takes on a pink-skinned Soviet alcoholic. I dunno why the nigga was pink tho…maybe the developers were trying to tell us about the dangers of drinking…….or being in a ‘Red’ state, perhaps? Anyway, Lil’ Mac beats this nigga and makes Senator McCarthy proud. He then travels back home to fight domestic terrorism…..first stop, South Philly:
On some real shit, Sandman mighta been the rawest nigga in the game. Although little was known about his background, I think its safe to assume that he was prolly fresh out the joint and had 5 or 6 kids and shit. Aside from the obvious racial connotations with the name ‘Sandman’ (either a nod to legendary tap dancer Sandman Sims, or a reference to how much niggas love to sleep), the developers also made Mr. Sandman quite possibly the GREASIEST nigga to ever appear in a video game. Although his victory is not easily won, our Great White Hope triumphs against the darkness and takes a flight out to Cali:
Super Macho Man
For his character to be so vain, this nigga was ugly as shit yo….Hailing from Hollywood, CA and flexing his pectoral muscles at the start of every round, I imagine that Super Macho Man was the developers’ way of taking a shot at those hippie ass liberal Blue Staters who don’t realize that freedom isn’t free. Once our hero beats this wannabe movie star ass nigga, he and his ace boom coon Doc Louis prepare themselves for the main event:
In his prime, Mike Tyson was probably my favorite boxer EVER. So you could imagine how hard it was for me to believe that a hoe ass nigga named Lil’ Mac could ever take him out of his game……but as we’ve learned in this game, ANYTHING is possible. I can’t knock the way they designed his character tho…..the nigga was hard as shit to beat (those first 1:30 secs of round 1 were MURDER…..). Once you defeated Mike (either by knockout, or by getting over 5,000 points and winning by decision), Lil’ Mac went on to become a champion and thus the game’s lesson is made clear: In order for white supremacy to be successful you must rid our beloved country of niggers, Germans, homos, Japs, terrorists and hippos (?).
You a bitch ass nigga, Lil Mac. You and your foot shufflin ass trainer get the Tigallo Gas Face:
I hope you’ve been entertained. Getback 9/25, bidges….
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