With all due respect to Lord Willin, Thug Motivation, and Only Built For Cuban Linx, there’s a new definition of “Crack Rap.” TMZ just got their hands on a video of Lamar Odom and his shirtless friend dropping some heat rock. Actually, they’re not dropping heat rock so much as leaking rock residue from their pores.
As usual, when calamities like these get captured on video, we take you on a second-by-second journey of events to make sure you capture its entire essence.
Here we go.
:00 — Immediately we see Lamar Odom and his shirtless, nameless buddy…let’s call him $nugglez. This begs a few questions: Where are their shirts? Were they in such a rush to kick a duet freestyle that they didn’t have time to grab shirts? Do they even know they’re not wearing shirts?
So many questions. But let’s move on.
:02 — Lamar just called himself “God’s Son.” Just making sure you caught that.
:06-:10 — When I was in drama class in middle school, we’d do this improv game where we’d all say a word in a circle and it’d have to tell a story. This is that, but in freestyle form. Who decides that this its he way they’ll choose to freestyle? “Hey, $nugglez, we’re gonna freestyle, but we’re gonna do it one bar at a time. Gonna kill em, son!”
:10-:25 — This is the point where it sinks in that we’re witnessing something for the record books. Lamar Odom said something about newborn babies in his sleeve but she he drops the “BREEVE,” coins a catchphrase for the ages. When my wife tells me to take out the trash, I’ll just be all, “LEMME…*deep breath*…BREEVE! *slumps shoulders*”
:35-:45 — Here’s where $nugglez almost messes up. He veers off the path to crack talk and says, “we started on the block, talk to my man he knows all of them *silence*.” Buddy was definitely about to talk about Lamar knowing about those rocks because it rhymes with “block.” Ha, just kidding. Nothing they’ve said has rhymed so far so he was probably doing to say “balloons.”
:45 — Note. Their shirts are still off.
:51 — “I know all of the pricks, who got small d*cks, they can’t say it to my face” – Lamar Odom. Question: is he asking the pricks with small d*cks to tell him to his face that they have small d*cks or…nevermind.
1:10 – 1:16 — Lamar says, “What would Jesus do?” and $nugglez just yells “spiritual.” For some reason, I’m dying at this.
1:16 – 1:31 — There is a beat going on in $nugglez head that none of us are privy to. It’s probably the drum loop to the closing theme from the Earl Manigault movie.
1:41 – 1:53 — …huh…? “And when Khloe’s out of town / I still be on the DL.” Which version of the DL, Lamar? Also, $nugglez is now adding ad-lips on ya b*tch ass.
1:53 – 2:07 — $nugglez is f*cking women over the hills and down the hills and in the jungle. Apparently $nugglez gets laid a lot in Narnia. Also, people should say “A-Ok” more when they talk about getting topped off.
2:36 – SHUT UP, $NUGGLEZ, I’M NOT DONE!
2:45 – 2:50 — “GO IN GO IN GO IN GO IN INFRARED INFRARED” – $nuggles McDougle, Esq.
Seriously, all that’s missing from this video is a big tub of edible Vaseline and Will Smith doing dumbbell curls in the back. Still, we have the makings of a hood classic on our hands. And remember: don’t ALLEGEDLY do drugs, kids. Allegedly doing drugs is bad for you. Allegedly.
Update: TMZ says that Lamar’s friends said Lamar said he was drunk, not high. Draw your own conclusions.