“I Need Your Signature, Please.”

08.12.09 9 years ago 11 Comments

Ahhh, the smell of football is in the air and, quite frankly, I couldn’t be happier. With college football’s kickoff only weeks away, the NFL already in training camp and even my younger cousin gearing up for another year in his youth association league, I feel that festive mood beginning to overtake me again. However, if you’re like me, the ol’ lady doesn’t share in our excitement. In fact, my girl is even attempting to lay ground rules now. Unknown to her, I am working on a fool proof permission slip that would allow men (and women) the chance to warn their significant other of their impending actions. It shows you care while considering a future with them at the same time. A win-win for everybody, if I must say so.

Cut your printer on and hit the jump.

(Insert date here)

Dear (Insert significant other’s name here),

You know, honey, with the summer months just about over, I just want to say, I really do appreciate the times we had together. No, no, before you start overreacting, this is NOT a letter ending the relationship because I’m actually quite happy. However, I must let you know that I will soon begin seeing another entity which will occupy my time this fall every Saturday, Sunday and Monday night. Chill, it’s not another person, but rather, it’s football season. If it’s one thing you always mention to me, it’s about being passionate about something. Well, I am about football (and you, of course). I’m not asking for a complete sabbatical from our union, just respect this as my form of entertainment.

Hopefully, if you are reading this part of the letter that means you haven’t ripped it apart because this is an official document. A document which, if followed correctly, could strengthen our bond because a person who can appreciate my love for football is someone I could see myself with for the long haul. BUT, with that said, I need you to carefully read these ground rules. Study them. Memorize them. Love them. Become them.

1) Please, please do NOT ask when the game will be over. Football is a passionate sport and chances are you may ask this question when my favorite team is either A) getting blown out B) in a tight game in which the outcome could be decided either way. I am not responsible for how I respond to this question.

2) If you are watching the game with me, I do not need any back talk on the constant changing of the station. Channel flipping is a science only perfected through years of practice. Trust there is a method to the madness.

3) Fantasy football is big business. I treat it like my own franchise. It’s not real, but neither is that “Real Housewives of (insert random city)” show. You have your fix, I have mine.

4) Keep questions to a strict minimum. I don’t have time to explain what the difference between “probable” and “questionable” is or why Chris Berman’s nickname is “Boomer” or even why Reggie Bush and Kim K decided to call it quits. Google it.

5) Don’t EVER question Chris Mortensen. Ninety-five percent of the time he is ALWAYS right.

I don’t think those rules are too outrageous, in fact, I think they are quite suitable and can easily be followed with a little dedication and selflessness. So, if you don’t mind, I need your signature signifying this document has been agreed upon by both parties. Once that is done, we can both move forward with our lives and we can go see that move you’ve been talking about for weeks. My treat. You’re the best. No Drake.

_________________ (significant other’s signature

_________________ (your signature)

In all honesty, this is the time of the year girlfriends (well, at least mine) hate. The start of football season coupled with the start of the basketball (NBA and college) campaign will take us sports fans well into the end of June. This part was purposely left out of the letter for obvious reasons.

Really, labeling this “fool proof” might be a stretch. I’m not sure how high the success rate is for this thing, but getting a reaction out of this should be quite the entertainment. Let me know how it works. In the meantime, watch this kid reevaluate his playing career after this hit.

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