Your rite of passage as a man is not complete until you participate in a pointless bar fight. And while a bar brawl may not be conducive to your well-being, having the right people beside you during those crucial moments allows you to make it out unscathed and with your manhood intact. And since we have nothing better to do at the TSS offices, we decided to bring you 13 NBA ballers we’d want on our side when the chairs start getting thrown.
Although the obvious top pick would be the baller formerly known as Ron Artest, he is at an HOF level of “not giving a f*ck” and decided deserves to be in a class all his own. So, with that being said, lets get ready to rumble.
1. Stephen Jackson
We all know about the infamous Fight Club session nearly a decade ago at The Palace Of Auburn Hills. You know, the one when cameras caught then-Indy Pacer Stephen Jackson giving knuckle sandwiches with no questions asked. Then, when you’d think Jackson couldn’t top that performance, he gets his Shyne on outside a seedy strip club and licks a few shots in the air. Now tell me that’s not the type of company you’d like to have in your corner when the beef gets cooked.
2. DeMarcus Cousins
Demarcus Cousins reminds us of that type of guy the great Dennis Coles once eloquently described with disdain. You know, them smart-dumb n*ggas that may have all of the talent in the world but does foolish things to shoot themselves in the foot. We all know him. That homie that can’t seem to get right: always getting in his own way because of some nonsense. They’re usually slow to reason and have hot tempers, which is what causes 99.9% of bar fights in the first place. Do the math.
3. Delonte West
While we’re not sure if a professional diagnosis has been made, it’s safe to say that Delonte West doesn’t have all of the screws intact. Homie rides on motorcycles with guns stashed in the suitcase. Yeah, exactly. And anybody who has the balls to (allegedly) hit on his star teammate’s mother without shame clearly has no regard for his life or those of others around him.
4. Zach Randolph
Zach Randolph is regarded in NBA circles as one not to be f*cked with. The only thing you have to worry about is somehow getting on his bad side, as he has been known to even flip on allies at times. Just ask Reuben Patterson how Z-Bo gets down.
5. Chris “Birdman” Andersen
Having the crazy-ass white dude on one’s side is quintessential in a proper bar fight. They serve as the ultimate wild card because there’s no telling what lengths they’ll go to to prove their toughness. And don’t let him get drunk. I’ve seen a few Caucasian dudes get pummeled while under the influence and the blows seemed to have no effect whatsoever. Add in the tats and flair for the dramatic, and “Birdman” Andersen is a perfect candidate for this list.
6. J.R. Smith
Although he has toned down his bad-boy image on his way to having a landmark year, we wouldn’t be surprised if J.R. still keeps a razor under the tongue for special occasions. Tatted up in all of his splendor, Smith has always had a flair for the dramatic, from jaw-dropping dunks to random-ass pics of rappers’ former wifeys. It’s safe to say that J.R. likes to live life on the edge and probably wouldn’t be afraid to jump into a bar brawl–especially if a female companion is in the equation.
7. Mike Beasley
DMV native Mike Beasley has been known as a headcase since his days as a high school top recruit and he never adjusted well to life as a professional. The consistent knock helps explain his under-achievement thus far in his NBA career. Beasley can ball but he also likes smoking trees and mushing dudes in the face at street ball games. Then again, who wouldn’t want a guy with the balls to confront a Harlem heckler right in the middle of Rucker Park?
8. Reggie Evans
You can definitely tell Nets forward Reggie Evans was a former brawler in his younger days. Just look at the way dude plays. To say that he goes hard in the paint would be an understatement. He’s a one-man wrecking crew, and we can only imagine him flying into a melee out of nowhere with vicious haymakers when sh*t hits the fan.
9. Metta World Peace
Absolutely the most self-explanatory guy for this list. He may change his name (and be under psychiatric care), but the beast inside of Ron-Ron never rests.
10. Udonis Haslem
Udonis Haslem has made his bread and butter in the NBA with his rugged play and relentless effort. The Dade County-bred big man is definitely not a stranger to the drama, as the hoods in South Florida are not the most welcoming of places. While being the consummate professional on the court, we wouldn’t put it past UD to do a Tyler Hansbrough on a bar patron or two. But most important, never f*ck with a man who has donned the struggle braids into his adult life. Trust me, your health will be better for it.
11. Matt Barnes
While his wife may be the more famous member of the household at this point, Matt Barnes is famous for being known as a league-wide mercenary for hire. An unabashed agitator in the vein of a Metta World Peace or Bruce Bowen, Barnes has managed to be a headache for opposing players for years. After infamously getting into it with the likes of Rafer Alston and Kobe Bryant, Barnes’ latest acts of aggression shows that much hasn’t changed and he’s still willing to shoot the fair one anytime, any arena.
12. Kendrick Perkins
With arguably the most intimidating scowl since Ice Cube in his prime, Kendrick Perkins is known as a top-tier enforcer in the NBA (save for that Blake Griffin dunk). Perk’s well known for making opponents think twice before coming into the lane. I don’t know if his mother denied him Lucky Charms when he was a kid, but the Thunder big man ALWAYS seems angry. It wouldn’t surprise us if Perkins had a frown in all of his birthday pics. With all that built-up anger, someone is sure to catch a bad one sooner than later.
13. Rasheed Wallace
There’s always that one older guy at the bar who can get a little rowdy at times, and Rasheed Wallace reminds us of said bar patron. While ‘Sheed was far from in his prime during his stint with the Knicks, he was definitely not one to back down from confrontation. He’s known as one of the most hot-headed players in league history. We can only chuckle at the humor of Rasheed giving out an Otis from Martin-esque beatdown after some knucklehead pegs him as “old.”
And in honor of Wallace’s recent retirement, we want to honor him as the guy who intimidated half the league with the guttural yelling of his catchphrase.